Past Peak: Humor & Fun Archives

April 25, 2009

Today's Joke

Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, "I know this is just horse play?" But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden. — David Letterman

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April 08, 2009

Today's Joke

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April 07, 2009

Today's Joke

There was a big rally on Wall Street after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 02, 2009

Today's Joke

The Republicans released their budget counter-proposal this week. It plans to address the deficit, global warming, healthcare, energy, massive tax cuts for the rich. I'm not kidding. Also, there are no numbers in this budget. It's a budget plan without any math in it. You know, Obama should have saved that Special Olympics joke for these retards. — Bill Maher

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April 01, 2009

Today's Joke

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke out his big plan this week to buy up all those toxic assets that the banks are holding. If you don't know what a toxic asset means, it's a piece of paper that's worthless now, but could be worth something someday, the same way Confederate money could be. Or, those old newspapers in your garage. All we have to do is find someone to buy them, preferably a moron who shits gold. — Bill Maher

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March 24, 2009

Today's Joke

Beautiful day in New York City today. In fact, it was so nice, the AIG executives were counting their bonuses in the park. — David Letterman

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March 17, 2009

Today's Joke

According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh? — Jay Leno

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November 28, 2008

Today's Joke

Listen to this, a guy in North Carolina, a mailman, a Federal employee, a postal worker, was arrested and put in jail. You know why? He would deliver regular mail, but he wouldn't deliver junk mail. They got the guy, they arrested him, and they put him in prison. We got that guy, but still no word on bin Laden. — David Letterman

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November 15, 2008

Today's Joke

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, "Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?" — David Letterman

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November 13, 2008

Today's Joke

I am giddy is what I am, because I had such a lovely day off yesterday, which was ruined by Barack Obama. Yesterday, the Obamas visited with President Bush. Yes, they visited with President Bush at their future residence, the White House. Hey, for the record, a real candidate of change would move into the Air and Space Museum. How fun would that be? I didn't like how Obama got all handsy with the president [on screen: Obama putting his hand on the top of Bush's back as they walked into the White House together]. You don't see President Bush invading people's personal space — unless they have oil. — Stephen Colbert

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November 12, 2008

Today's Joke

Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, "The United States can only have one president." To which Bush said, "Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." — Jay Leno

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November 10, 2008

Today's Joke

The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right? — Jay Leno

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November 05, 2008

The Onion Strikes Again

Humor & Fun Politics

Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress
After emerging victorious from one of the most pivotal elections in history, president-elect Barack Obama will assume the role of commander in chief on Jan. 20, shattering a racial barrier the United States is, at long last, shitty enough to overcome.

Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.

"Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, 'Things are finally as terrible as we're willing to tolerate," said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. "To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time—these last eight years must have really broken you."

Added Obama, "It's a great day for our nation."

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. Another contributing factor to Obama's victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

Citizens with eyes, ears, and the ability to wake up and realize what truly matters in the end are also believed to have played a crucial role in Tuesday's election.

According to a CNN exit poll, 42 percent of voters said that the nation's financial woes had finally become frightening enough to eclipse such concerns as gay marriage, while 30 percent said that the relentless body count in Iraq was at last harrowing enough to outweigh long ideological debates over abortion. In addition, 28 percent of voters were reportedly too busy paying off medical bills, desperately trying not to lose their homes, or watching their futures disappear to dismiss Obama any longer.

"The election of our first African-American president truly shows how far we've come as a nation," said NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. "Just eight years ago, this moment would have been unthinkable. But finally we, as a country, have joined together, realized we've reached rock bottom, and for the first time voted for a candidate based on his policies rather than the color of his skin."

"Today Americans have grudgingly taken a giant leap forward," Williams continued. "And all it took was severe economic downturn, a bloody and unjust war in Iraq, terrorist attacks on lower Manhattan, nearly 2,000 deaths in New Orleans, and more than three centuries of frequently violent racial turmoil."

Said Williams, "The American people should be commended for their long-overdue courage."

Obama's victory is being called the most significant change in politics since the 1992 election, when a full-scale economic recession led voters to momentarily ignore the fact that candidate Bill Clinton had once smoked marijuana. While many believed things had once again reached an all-time low in 2004, the successful reelection of President George W. Bush — despite historically low approval ratings nationwide — proved that things were not quite shitty enough to challenge the already pretty shitty status quo.

"If Obama learned one thing from his predecessors, it's that timing means everything," said Dr. James Pung, a professor of political science at Princeton University. "Less than a decade ago, Al Gore made the crucial mistake of suggesting we should care about preserving the environment before it became unavoidably clear that global warming would kill us all, and in 2004, John Kerry cost himself the presidency by criticizing Bush's disastrous Iraq policy before everyone realized our invasion had become a complete and total quagmire."

"Obama had the foresight to run for president at a time when being an African-American was not as important to Americans as, say, the ability to clothe and feed their children," Pung continued. "An election like this only comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime."

As we enter a new era of equality for all people, the election of Barack Obama will decidedly be a milestone in U.S. history, undeniable proof that Americans, when pushed to the very brink, are willing to look past outward appearances and judge a person by the quality of his character and strength of his record. So as long as that person is not a woman.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

I can't believe this happened. Over the weekend, a comedian, I guess on the radio, tricked Sarah Palin into getting on the phone by pretending he was French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Yeah, the comedian says it was really difficult to trick Palin into believing he was Nicolas Sarkozy, because she has no idea who that is. No clue. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 03, 2008

Today's Joke

In a speech yesterday, Joe the plumber said that John McCain is a real American. And who better to say who is a real American than a fake plumber? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 02, 2008

Palin Punk'd

Humor & Fun Politics

Sarah Palin gets a prank call from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy, and she never catches on:

Yes, it's for real.

This is who they want to put a heartbeat away.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then, finally, Acceptance. — Jay Leno

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October 28, 2008

Today's Joke

I for one appreciate the McCain campaign treating us like children. McCain will bring us back to a simpler time. A time when you could identify your neighbors’ jobs by the hats they wore. Like Sam the Fireman, Bill the Cowboy and Jose the stereotype. These are the people in your neighborhood. The people that you meet when you’re walking down the street. They’re the people that you meet each day. And what the people in your neighborhood, the Joe the Plumber, the Wendy the Waitress need are tax cuts for the wealthy and off shore drilling. They don’t need universal health care or last names. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 23, 2008

Today's Joke

The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle class tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that! — most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying "that is reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington."] Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08! — Jon Stewart

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October 20, 2008

Today's Joke

Now come on, of all the weeks of the campaign, this was the weirdest. I mean, John McCain has a new BFF, Joe the Plumber. He said the words "Joe the plumber" 15 times in the debate the other night. And then we find out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, "Who is Barack Obama?" — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 19, 2008

Today's Joke

From Gail Collins, NYT (via Calculated Risk):

George W. Bush showed up on TV Friday morning to reassure the nation. What could possibly be worse?
Everybody knows that anything our president says is very likely wrong, and certainly won’t happen. If he announced: “I’m sending government agents to Spokane to arrest the looters,” we would expect that the officials would get lost, nobody would be arrested, and the looters probably never existed in the first place.

So hearts sunk throughout the nation when Bush appeared at a Chamber of Commerce gathering to say that the economy would recover.

“America is the most attractive destination for investors around the globe. America is the home of the most talented and enterprising and creative workers in the world,” said the president, who also insisted that “democratic capitalism remains the greatest system ever devised.”

Which translates into: all the money is going to Asia, nobody will ever get a job again and Karl Marx was right after all.

Bummer.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 18, 2008

Today's Joke

If you watched the debate the other night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the Plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker. — Jay Leno

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October 17, 2008

Today's Joke

(Source)

(Source)

Nice to see.

[Thanks, Mark]

Posted by Jonathan at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 16, 2008

Today's Joke

As we speak, Barack Obama and John McCain have just finished their third and final debate. Now, in the latest New York Times poll, McCain trails by 14 points. So it is clear what this debate needed to be for him [on screen: people saying McCain needs a game-changer in the final debate]. Hopefully he can change that game to golf. That way the lowest score wins. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 15, 2008

Today's Joke

President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, "It's a good thing I'm in charge." And I know that's what we're all thinking. But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 05:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 14, 2008

Today's Joke

Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think for the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary. — Bill Maher

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October 10, 2008

Getaway Inner Tube

[Thanks, Kevin]

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Today's Joke

I don't know, what did you think of the debate? Anything? Anything going on there? I'm not sure that John McCain actually helped himself. In fact, I think maybe he blew off the wrong show. — David Letterman

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October 09, 2008

Today's Joke

John McCain looks like the guy who thinks he's the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. "You better tie up those trash bags or we're gonna get racoons." — David Letterman

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October 08, 2008

"That One"

Humor & Fun Politics

Now in four sizes.

[Thanks, Kevin]

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Today's Joke

Last night's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? "I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:14 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

October 07, 2008

Today's Joke

During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha! And she kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That's because her answers make more sense after six beers. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 06, 2008

Today's Joke

McCain is still sinking in the polls. He's getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is "McCain: The White Obama." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 05, 2008

Homer Simpson Votes

Humor & Fun Politics Vote Fraud

Video here.

Let's hope on November 5th we're still laughing.

[Thanks, Miles]

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Tina Fey Debates

Humor & Fun Politics

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Today's Joke

Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 03, 2008

McCain Debates... McCain

Humor & Fun Politics

Great Jon Stewart bit. Watch especially McCain vs. McCain starting at the 1:45 mark. Unbelievable.

But McCain is the straight talker. I heard it on the teevee.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Sarah Palin Debate Flowchart

Humor & Fun Politics

Exactly.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:25 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this

Today's Joke

What I wish Biden had said:

Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. They battled Republicans. And their message? Vote Republican. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 02, 2008

Today's Joke

Now yesterday, John McCain said that Federal aid to Wall Street shouldn't be called a "bailout," but instead should be called a "rescue." Yeah. McCain also said he's not old, he's "geezerific." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 01, 2008

Today's Joke

One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 29, 2008

Today's Joke

These financial shenanigans that have been going on... Like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't? — Bill Maher

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September 28, 2008

Today's Joke

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September 26, 2008

Jon Stewart's "Freedom Memory"

Economy Humor & Fun Politics

Jon Stewart nails it, as usual:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

[Thanks, Miles]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 24, 2008

"You Need A Ride To The Airport?"

Humor & Fun Politics

Letterman on McCain's ridiculous stunt:

Awesome.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 23, 2008

Today's Joke

The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. — Bill Maher

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September 22, 2008

Today's Joke

You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 19, 2008

Today's Joke

Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. "Ooh, sorry, you're too much of a risk." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 17, 2008

Today's Joke

Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to Sarah Palin, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name: Murphy's Law. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 16, 2008

Today's Joke

Supporters of Palin say it's okay she doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't work out that great. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:52 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 15, 2008

Today's Joke

Palin said [in her convention speech] that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:23 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 13, 2008

Today's Joke

Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, "Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 12, 2008

Today's Joke

Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. They battled Republicans. And their message? Vote Republican. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:33 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 10, 2008

Today's Joke

The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 09, 2008

Today's Joke

Palin said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain. — Jay Leno

Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house. Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000? — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 08, 2008

Today's Joke

Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 06:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 07, 2008

Today's Joke

One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican who will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that's a great lesson for kids: always clean up your own mess. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 06, 2008

Today's Joke

She said at her church, Governor Palin, she said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 05, 2008

Today's Joke

This is soooooo good:

Posted by Jonathan at 09:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 03, 2008

Today's Joke

Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, "We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 31, 2008

Sarah Palin, Vagina-American

Humor & Fun Politics

The Daily Show nails John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as running mate:

Posted by Jonathan at 07:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 02, 2008

Today's Joke

This morning, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Wooo! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves. From each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, "It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct." He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 06:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 10, 2008

Today's McCain Joke

John McCain has a new slogan. Have you heard his new slogan? "A Leader We Can Believe In." See, that's a lot better than his old slogan. [Wheezing]: "I'll be okay. Give me a minute!" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 08, 2008

Today's Joke

Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraq war. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 04:09 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

May 06, 2008

Today's Bush Joke

I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the "Mission Accomplished" banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said "Economic Recession Over." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 22, 2008

Today's Joke

Do you have a concern that you could win the nomination at the convention and defeat John McCain in the general and, you know, go to your inauguration, and Hillary would still be running? — Jon Stewart, interviewing Barack Obama last night

Posted by Jonathan at 03:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 04, 2008

Friday Fun

Utterly amazing:

[Thanks, Kevin]

Posted by Jonathan at 01:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke speaking before Congress warned we may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the real estate market not looking too good either. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 14, 2008

Today's Joke

The race for the Democratic nomination moved yesterday to Mississippi where Senator Barack Obama defeated Senator Clinton by 61% to 37%. Second win in a row for Obama. Clearly gaining momentum. Major night for his campaign [on screen: montage of news anchors and pundits saying Obama's win was expected]. There you have it, if the media isn't surprised something is going to happen, it does not count. Actually, there was one shocking result [on screen: FNC's Sean Hannity saying, "Nine to one African-Americans vote for Barack Obama. 76% of the white voters go for Hillary. What are we to make of those two things?"] That slavery leaves a mark. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 03:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 10, 2008

Today's Joke

And on the Republican side? [on screen: McCain saying, "We have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility, and a great sense of responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States"]. Senator McCain, congratulations. All it took was grit, patience, and what was, in retrospect, a cartoonishly weak field of opponents. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 12:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 03, 2008

Today's Joke

[John McCain] looks like the kind of guy who still talks real loud on a long-distance phone call. He looks like the relative who you get blank e-mails from. He looks like the guy whose wife forced him to go on a cruise. He looks like the guy you have to nudge when his name is called. He looks like a freelance crosswalk guard. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 28, 2008

Today's Joke

How about that John McCain, huh? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob. He looks like a guy who parks his RV overnight at Wal-Mart. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 27, 2008

Today's Joke

John McCain...looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: "Hello, is that - hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?" He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: "Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 26, 2008

Today's Bush Joke

This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 20, 2008

Today's Joke

John McCain...looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter. He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he's on the right bus. He looks like the guy who's always saying, "What was that? Nothing? That's what I thought." — David Letterman

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February 19, 2008

Today's Bush Joke

And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 18, 2008

Today's Joke

This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. Turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 14, 2008

Today's Joke

The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We're like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They're trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news — half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 12, 2008

See You In 12,008

Humor & Fun Politics

Meet John McCain:

[Thanks, Miles]

Posted by Jonathan at 01:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

The GOP likes to call itself the "Big Tent Party," which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 09, 2008

La Langosta Blanca

Via the incomparable Cryptogon, here's a surreal story that cries out to be made into a screenplay. Gabriel Garcia Marquez meets The Gods Must Be Crazy. Except it's true. Worth quoting at length. NZH:

At first glance, Bluefields in Nicaragua looks like any other rum-soaked, Rastafarian-packed, hammock-infested Caribbean paradise. But Bluefields has a secret.
People here don't have to work. Every week, sometimes every day, 35kg sacks of cocaine drift in from the sea. The economy of this entire town of 50,000 tranquil souls is addicted to cocaine.

Bluefields is a creation of the gods of geography. Located halfway between the cocaine labs of Colombia and the 300 million noses of the United States, Bluefields is ground zero for cocaine transportation. Nicaraguan waters are near Colombian territorial limits, making the area extremely popular with cocaine smugglers using very small, very fast fishing boats.

The US military calls them "go fast boats", which is a bureaucratic way of describing these mini-water-rockets. Typically these 12m boats have 800 horsepower of outboard motors bolted to the stern. A Porsche 911 Turbo, by comparison, has 485 horsepower.

While they are very fast, they are also very visible to the array of radars set up by roaming US spy planes, Coastguard cutters and helicopters which regularly monitor the speeding cocaine traffickers.

"With night vision equipment, I have seen a lit cigarette from two miles," a US Navy pilot said. "Or the back light from their GPS screen? It looks like a billboard."

When the Americans get close, the traffickers toss the cocaine overboard, both to eliminate evidence and lighten their load in an escape attempt.

"They throw most of it off," says a Lt Commander in the US Coastguard. "I have been on four interdictions and we have confiscated about 6000 pounds [2720kg] of cocaine, and I'd say equal that much was dumped into the ocean."

Those bales of cocaine float, and the currents bring them west right into the chain of islands, beaches and cays which make up the huge lagoons that surround Bluefields on Nicaragua's Atlantic coast.

"There are no jobs here, unemployment is 85 per cent," says Moises Arana, who was mayor of Bluefields from 2001 to 2005.

"It is sad to say, but the drugs have made contributions. Look at the beautiful houses, those mansions come from drugs. We had a women come into the local electronics store with a milk bucket stuffed full of cash. She was this little Miskito [native] woman and she had $80,000."

Hujo Sugo, a historian of Bluefields, says the floating coke has created a new local hobby.

"People here now go beachcombing for miles, they walk until the find packets. Even the lobster fisherman now go out with the pretence of fishing but really they are looking for la langosta blanca - the white lobster."

Given the remote setting and lack of infrastructure, there are few roads, few cars and the biggest shop in Bluefields sells nothing more sophisticated than a washing machine or TV set.

So what do the locals do with all this cocaine? They sell it to travelling buyers who cruise the coast, disguised as used clothes vendors.

"We know there are small shop owners who do this," says Yorlene Orozco, the local judge. "We are talking about people without a profession, no home, no job. One day later they have a new car, go to the casino and are building a home that costs I don't know how many thousands of dollars."

Law enforcement in Bluefields is practically invisible. "I just had a Swiss tourist tell me that when she went to the supermarket they tried to sell her cocaine," says Orozco.

The police and Navy have few resources and less trust from the local public. Bluefields is effectively an anarchist nation - no Government, no organised institutions and the rules are made by community groups.

Given the massive amount of cocaine in town, violence is surprisingly rare. Gunfights are nearly unheard of and most of the town seems to lounge around or play baseball all day and then erupt into a frenzy of energy by late afternoon, fuelled by Flor de Cana, a Nicaraguan rum, fresh fish, an endless supply of native oysters, and "the white lobster".

"Down by Monkey Point, a family found an entire boat ... they stashed it and bought up houses all over town. It was 57 sacks [about 1995kg]," says Jah Boon, a local Rasta man. "Those people have money and still have coke buried in them hills. It is another way of having money in the bank."

At a local price of $3500 per kg, the typical 35kg sack nets a cash sale price of $122,500, which by all accounts is spent immediately.

"Last time bags and bags washed up, everyone [felt like] a millionaire, but that money does not last." explains Helen, who runs a university research institute in Bluefields. Asked how the locals unload their cash, she said: "Beer, beer, beer. You should see the amount they drink here. Go to the pier and see how much alcohol goes out to the islands."

"When the drugs come in, everyone is happy, the banks, the stores, everyone has cash."

Arana, the former mayor, recalled one month when the village bought 28,000 cases of beer.

With literally tonnes of cocaine buried in the hills, stashed in yards and piled up around town, why doesn't the Colombian mafia storm into these remote communities and repossess their coke bales by coercion or brute force?

"Hell no," says Peter, a local businessman. "The Miskito [local Indians] are guerrillas. They have been through war. They have AK-47s and up." [...]

Because the Miskito often live in isolated communities, they maintain their own rules, independence and traditions, including the belief that whatever treasures arrive in a river or from the sea are gifts, blessed by God and to be enjoyed and shared. That includes the Caribbean lobster and the white Colombian variety. [...]

"If shit washes up on your shore it belongs to that family. Every family owns their turf," said a Miskito fisherman.

But when a fisherman finds white lobster the entire village shares the treasure, with a percentage going to the community, a smaller percentage to the church and the majority split among the crew of the small boat that found the loot.

"It is like a municipal tax," says Sergio Leon, a local reporter who has been writing about the drug situation in Bluefields for many years. "The schools and churches are not built by the Government, that money comes from the fishermen and their finds."

Drug money has been used to build a school and replace the church roof. "The pastors here get mad when they don't get their cut from the find," says Francisco a court official. "If a member of the congregation has found 15kg, the church calculates 15 times $3500, that's $52,500, and at 10 per cent they are saying: where's the $5250?"

At night, Bluefields wakes up. The locals wander down to Midnight Dream, a reggae bar that locals have nicknamed Baghdad Ranch because of the surreal nature of its party scene. Young black men wear baseball hats, NBA sleeveless shirts and Nike Air sneakers. They are bedecked in gold chains.

My new drinking buddy says: "I got protection," and lifts his Houston Rockets NBA shirt to show off the butt of a pistol. "You won't get thieved here." [...]

When the lyrics scream out "I feel so high, I can touch the sky", practically on cue the three girls at the next table pile coke on the back of their ebony hands and snort openly, laughing. Then they start the maypole dance the traditional fertility festival for this month, May, which has evolved into a wickedly sexy dirty-dancing routine. A stunning line of 1.8m black women swirl on the dance floor. A Rasta man stumbles by, his nose white, clumps of coke stuck in his beard.

This party is all paid for by the white lobster, which sells for $5 a gram. "Those guys over at that table, they are Miskito, they found seven bags," explains the waiter with the hint of jealousy usually reserved for lottery winners. "He will buy a couple of ranches, two boats and have someone else fish for him."

As the night progresses, the winners slowly disappear behind a wall of Tona beer bottles. No one ever seems to get tired.

No one ever seems to get tired. No kidding.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:22 PM | Comments (2) | Link to this

Today's Joke

But don't worry about Mitt. He can always go back to playing Dr. Miles Windgate on General Hospital. Mitt looks like the guy your mother points to and says why can't you be more like him. He looks like a former Tarzan. Mitt looks like a Tom Cruise handler. Mitt looks like a tour guide at the Nixon Library. Mitt looks like the guy that shows you around Total Fitness. Mitt looks like the honorary mayor of Sherman Oaks. Mitt looks like the guy who shakes your hand too hard. Mitt looks like the guy who has a crease in his jeans. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 08, 2008

Mel & Floyd

Friday afternoon, so time for some Mel & Floyd, streaming here for the next hour. Love these guys.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 03, 2008

Today's Joke

Don't worry about Mitt, if this presidential thing doesn't work out he can always go back to playing Victor Newman on the "Young and the Restless." Mitt Romney doesn't look like a president, he looks like a ringmaster. Mitt looks like a guy wearing a golf shirt in an Eddie Bauer catalogue. He looks like the desk clerk at a Peninsula Hotel who tells you your room's not ready. Mitt looks like the guy at a party who gives you his card. He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club. He looks like a Jet Blue pilot who comes out to greet the passengers during a delay. Mitt Romney looks like the guy who says to the contestant, "We're out of time, can you come back tomorrow?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 05:32 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 30, 2008

Today's Bush Joke

During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air. It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 29, 2008

Today's Bush Joke

This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f***up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says "Next Rest Stop: 28 miles." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 22, 2008

Today's Joke

Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 21, 2008

Today's Joke

Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 11, 2008

Today's Bush Joke

With all this talk of hope and change and idealism and getting the country back on track, it was a friend of mine, an old friend who — he wanted to say something to you. Is he ready to say it? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, "Iran is a threat to world peace."] Boo! That's former president ... What is that? Oh, he's still... Bush's warning to Iran was sort of a nice reminder for all of us here in the country that he's still the president. And to drive the point home, he's actually going overseas. The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-country, 12-war visit. I assume he's going to the Middle East like kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of: did I do that? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 03:55 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 07, 2008

Today's Joke

The whole damn state of Iowa is littered with the detritus of winners. Iowa is winner-tastic.

Obviously, Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee are winners because... well, they won. And that’s what winners do: they win.

But you’d also have to say that John Edwards and Mitt Romney are winners too, because even though they came in second, they called themselves winners, and as big time national politicos — you got to assume they know what they’re talking about.

Hillary Clinton is apparently a winner, because in her speech, after coming in third, she never gave the slightest impression she hadn’t won, so maybe she knows something the rest of us don’t, which is another characteristic trait of winners.

Fred Thompson won because he came in third after canvassing the state with the energy of a three-legged tortoise on reds.

John McCain won because he spent no time in Iowa at all and still came in fourth. Which, in some books, makes him a double winner.

Ron Paul is a big winner coming in a strong fifth, if there is such a thing, when most experts didn’t even expect him to be able to find Iowa on a map.

Rudy Giuliani, the Mayor of 9/11, won, because he spent no money in Iowa, which can now be used to frighten people in states with more foreigners.

Bill Richardson wasn’t really try to win anyhow, and he didn’t, so he’s a winner.

Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd may be the biggest winners because they don’t have to do this anymore.

Duncan Hunter is what you call a winner in reverse, since he polled just 500 votes. Which is only 500 votes more than you or I got, and we weren’t even running. Which certainly makes us winners. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 04:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 04, 2008

Today's Joke

Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee demonstrated how he hates negative campaigning by showing journalists the negative ad he refuses to air. Kind of like proving your virginity by parading the hooker you won't screw. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 03, 2008

Today's Joke

[Today,] of course, is the Iowa caucus. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, "the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 02, 2008

Today's Joke

Mike Huckabee said he knows there is duck hunting in heaven. Wow, doesn't sound like duck heaven is in the same place as human heaven. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 12:31 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

December 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Congress passed legislation to toughen the Freedom of Information Act, and over at the White House, a series of secret, clandestine, behind-closed-door meetings will determine whether they'll sign the bill. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

George Bush should get another dog and name him Diplomacy. Because then you couldn't say George Bush wouldn’t know Diplomacy if it bit him in the ass. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 14, 2007

Today's Joke

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee says when he said people with AIDS should be quarantined, he didn't really mean, "quarantined." Hopefully, when he said he was running for President he didn't really mean, "President." — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 13, 2007

Today's Joke

Guaranteed to make you smile...

Posted by Jonathan at 12:23 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said even though the latest National Intelligence Estimate purports Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program years ago, it changes nothing. Bush has a mind like a cement bedspread. Once he's made it up, it stays made. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:23 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 04, 2007

Today's Joke

You got to love Mitt Romney. First, he's pro choice, then he's anti choice; so I guess that makes him-multiple choice. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 30, 2007

Today's Joke

Mattel should produce a Mitt Romney action figure. In order to get it to change positions, you keep asking the same question. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 29, 2007

Today's Joke

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig." — Comedy Central

Posted by Jonathan at 01:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Posted by Jonathan at 01:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term "failed to pass." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 21, 2007

Today's Joke

During one of the Democratic debates, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence — a noun, a verb, and 9/11." Giuliani later responded, saying, "Joe Biden sucks 9/11." — Seth Meyers

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There's a new biography of the president out in which he says "I do tears," which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it's kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 17, 2007

Today's Joke

I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is that Rudy Giuliani did. Besides climbing out of a hole and shaking his fist at the sky, that is. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey isn't sure whether waterboarding is torture. Sounds like a demonstration might be in order. I'm thinking the Senate Judiciary Committee should arrange one. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Today, President Bush said, "The Iraqis are taking back Iraq." Then Dick Cheney said, "But not the oil, right?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Condoleezza Rice says we have no plans to invade Iran. So how does that differ with what happened in Iraq? — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 04:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The good news is FEMA showed up in California. The bad news is they came to fix the levees. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 26, 2007

Creationist Math

Humor & Fun Religion

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Thomas Jefferson once said: "Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Göring. Shoot. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 04:17 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75% of the fake bombs that were sent though the line. However, they did confiscate 100% of people's water bottles. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time — but not one drop of shampoo. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, "What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?" — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 01:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

According to a new report, security screeners at our nation's airports — this is scary — failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents 60% of the time. President Bush said today, "Well, who cares about fake bombs?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush "Man of The Year." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:32 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

I think I know why you're happy tonight: 'cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, "Sweden is with the terrorists." No, the president did not say that. What he said was, "The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 15, 2007

Reassurance

Environment Humor & Fun

Posted by Jonathan at 05:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 03:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

One of President Bush's closest advisers said that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is going to have trouble getting elected 'cause his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 11, 2007

Neocon Gold

Not available in any store.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a safety risk. Again, this is another issue I don't think President Bush understands. Like today, Bush said, "Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

During a recent speech, President Bush said, "My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions." Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

While out on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that Republicans have to start acting like Republicans. I don't know, last week they avoided a debate with black people. You can't get more Republican than that. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, "Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

This week's "Alpha Dog" is President George W. Bush. Now it goes without saying that President Bush could be my "Alpha Dog" every week. He has certainly left his mark all over this country, but now he has outdone even himself. You see, for years the Left has accused the Bush administration of doing nothing on global warming. As if intimidating scientists is nothing. But the president cares just as much about climate change as Al Gore. He just would have called his documentary "How Inconvenient That The Science Isn't In Yet." This week, President Bush proved how much he cares by hosting a global warming summit, where he asked the rest of the world to follow him on climate change. And that takes glacier-sized balls — pre-global warming. The president set a clear goal to reduce emissions [on screen: Bush saying, "By setting this goal, we commit ourselves to doing something about it. By next summer, we will convene a meeting of heads of state to finalize the goal."] Next summer, the goal will be finalized. At this rate, we should be able to take action on global warming by... January 20, 2009. In one day, the president leapt from the back of the pack to the lead husky, leaving the rest of the world staring at his swinging sack. So Mr. President, for leading us to a bold commitment to finalize a goal for future possible action to solve global warming, you, sir, are my "Alpha Dog" of the week. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Source

Posted by Jonathan at 12:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:06 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

On this program in the past, we have occasionally ribbed our current president. But it's in no way indicative of any real feelings about the president's abilities or policies. It's nothing personal — until now. Yesterday, surrounded by school children, speaking in defense of his education policy, the president said this [on screen: Bush saying, "Childrens do learn."] Childrens do learn. Oh does they. "Childrens do learn" while talking about education. Let me tell you something, sir, myself and this show, we don't need your charity. I have a full staff of very talented writers and producers working for me and we can't even make that funnier by taking that out of context. There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule you. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks, because, as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations. So please sir, change — for the childrens. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 04:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he's not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated him in a debate. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 27, 2007

Fun With Fugues

This is a hoot.

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Joke

I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 26, 2007

Today's Joke

The Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it. — Bill Maher

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September 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader. — Jay Leno

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September 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

So obviously, the president has a better [health care] idea [on screen: Bush saying, "I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors..."] Okay, I'm just going to stop him right there. I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. "Empowering people and their doctors." See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors. — Jon Stewart

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September 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Just today, President Bush gave a press conference to talk about an issue on everyone's mind — health care. Specifically, this so-called SCHIP insurance bill. It's a Democratic measure that would expand what children would be eligible for federally funded health insurance. And you know why that's bad [on screen: Bush saying, "The SCHIP plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run health care for every American."] Oh my God, they're gonna put Communism in our kids' drinking water — and then inject them with the gay and load them on Michael Moore and float them to Cuba! — Jon Stewart

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September 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him. — Jay Leno

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September 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy the other night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes. — Jay Leno

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September 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish. — Conan O'Brien

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September 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The other night, President Bush gave his eighth speech to the nation about Iraq. In it, Bush promised to have the troops home by speech number 73. — Conan O'Brien

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September 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

[Thanks, Maurice]

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September 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In a new biography coming out soon about President George W. Bush, when asked what his plans where after he leaves office, President Bush said he'd like to make some money giving speeches. He wants to give speeches. Well, you can't say the man doesn't know where his strengths are. — Jay Leno

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September 14, 2007

Miette's Tear

Chaos theory:

(via RI)

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Today's Bush Joke

I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus. — Jay Leno

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September 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In Australia, President Bush praised the brave Austrian troops. Can't wait for him to go to Vienna and ask where all the kangaroos are. — Will Durst

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September 12, 2007

"That's Not How Gay Works"

Humor & Fun Politics

Larry Craig's old news, but this is too funny.

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Today's Bush Joke

On Labor Day enroute to a summit in Australia, President Bush made an unannounced stop in Anbar province, Iraq, stopping at the Anbar Province Regional Airport. Why Iraq? Why now? Well, as the president explained, "I have come to see with my own eyes the remarkable changes that are taking place in Anbar province." He's not looking with other people's eyes, he's looking with his. In all, Bush was in Iraq for a total of six hours, all of it within the 17-mile perimeter of the highly-secured Al Asad airbase. His take away? [on screen: Bush saying, "When you stand on the ground here in Anbar and hear from the people who live here, you can see what the future of Iraq can look like"] — a giant, heavily-armed U.S. military base surrounded by a bloody sectarian free-for-all. He's a dreamer. — Jon Stewart

(Video here)

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September 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, "Not if we get there first." — Jay Leno

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September 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard. — David Letterman

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September 09, 2007

Today's Joke

While the Republicans had their 789th debate last night, the big issue of course was the war in Iraq. The candidates were split over it, some Republicans were in favor of it, and other Republicans were really, really in favor of it. In fact, last night on our show, Fred Thompson announced he strongly supports the war in Iraq. When will these Hollywood actors learn to keep their political opinions to themselves on talk shows? Come on. — Jay Leno

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September 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise? — Jay Leno

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September 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush loves the Labor Day weekend. It gives him a chance to unwind, and, gosh, I'm thinking, "When does this guy wind?" — David Letterman

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September 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush was going to give the White House staff the day off for Labor Day, but then he realized everyone resigned, no one works there anymore. In fact, today was Karl Rove's last day at the White House. Yeah, he wanted to wait until everything was just perfect before he left. You know, you don't want to leave the country in a mess. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 04, 2007

Everybody Shape Up

Ok, humor break needed.

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Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it, then had the pranksters murdered. — Conan O'Brien

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September 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans. — Jay Leno

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September 01, 2007

Today's Joke

Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled. — Jay Leno

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August 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush was in New Orleans for the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. When he arrived in New Orleans he told the mayor, "I got here as quick as I could." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

As you know, the administration conduct concerning prosecuting the war on terror has been questioned by some. But as the president himself explains, there is a perfectly good reason why we don't understand what he's doing [on screen: Bush, in multiple interviews, saying Iraq is "a totally different kind of war"]. Obviously, we invaded Iraq initially because this war is historically unprecedented. Last week, the president explained to us why we must stay in Iraq — historical precedent. Yes, that was the message as Bush addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars, an organization whose numbers he has personally done so much to boost. [on screen: Bush citing the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor to make the case for the Iraq war]. And that is why, in 1941, America invaded China. Yes, with the pivotal Petraeus surge report just weeks away, Bush began his surge to gain support for the Iraq war the only way left — by talking up a bunch of other wars. — Jon Stewart

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August 29, 2007

Today's Jokes

Sen. Craig is married. Apparently he told his wife, don't worry about having dinner ready to me. I'm going to wolf down a hot dog at the airport. — Jay Leno

Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, maybe that was your second mistake. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

There were record high temperatures yesterday. I blame Al Gore. Until he invented this global warming, none of this stuff happened. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Karl Rove announced he is leaving the White House at the end of August. Of course, he has always served at the pleasure of the president. Of Halliburton. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 24, 2007

America To The Rescue

9/11, "War On Terror" Humor & Fun Iran Iraq

A little history lesson from Jon Stewart:

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Today's Bush Joke

Chris Wallace got Karl Rove's Sunday morning talk show tour going [on screen: FNC's Wallace saying, "Let's take a look at some of Karl Rove's greatest hits"]. Ohh, I just bought that on K-Tel! "Karl Rove's Greatest Hits," including "John McCain's Black Baby," "Max Cleland: The One-Limbed Pussy," "The Queers Are Coming," and, of course, "Schiavo-A-Go-Go." No need to call now, your phones have already been tapped. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that? He's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

From David Letterman's Top 10 Good Things About Marrying into the Bush Family: #1: "Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family".

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The Iowa straw poll, a quadrennial ritual for Republican candidates, was held Saturday in Ames, Iowa. And the big winner of this unofficial, preseason survey of the Iowa electorate? Former Massachusetts Governor/part-time J.C. Penny catalogue underwear model Mitt Romney with over 30% of the vote. In a big surprise, the second place finisher was Baptist minister and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee with 18% of the vote, despite spending less than a tenth of what Romney had. Huckabee himself seemed at a loss to explain his success [on screen: Huckabee comparing his Ames showing to "feeding the 5,000 with two fish and five loaves"]. Apt metaphor, governor. But I really have to say, don't you think Jesus would have won? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, on Bush being on the verge of breaking Ronald Reagan's record number of vacation days:

People said that Reagan's 436 would stand forever, but right now this president stands on 423, meaning his record should fall less than two weeks from today. And they said it couldn't be done. And keep in mind, Reagan had a ranch in beautiful Santa Barbara. Bush has spent his time chasing the record in Crawford, Texas, which, by all objective accounts, is a genuine scorched shithole. And don't forget Bush is a war president. The 80s? If Bush had been president then, he might not have even come in at all. When the waters from Katrina began to rise, it would have been easy to rush back to Washington. This president stuck it out for two more vacation days. What do you call that? Dedication. Obviously, I wouldn't say 'actively' pursuing, but he's aware of it and looking forward to breaking the record and getting that congratulatory call from himself.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens' mail. Thank God that kind of thing can't happen today. — Jay Leno

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August 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier today, Iraq's parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq during August, the likes of which hasn't been seen since June or July. — Conan O'Brien

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August 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know, people who follow the news. — Jay Leno

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August 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

For months now, Democrats have talked tough, vowing they would hold the Bush administration accountable for their egregious mishandling of what many in the media are calling "the world." Well, numerous feckless Senate hearings, one useless all-night filibuster and three non-binding resolutions later, the Democrats finally decided it's go time [on screen: Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) saying he will subpoena Karl Rove]. Karl Rove, the administration's turd-blossom has been called to account...The Democrats are going to feel really stupid though for doing that. You know why? Because compelling Mr. Rove to testify under an oath is completely unnecessary [on screen: WH spokesperson Tony Snow saying, "We have actually made Karl Rove available to that committee under conditions where he's going to tell the truth."] Under conditions where he's going to tell the truth? The room must be pitch black and festooned with lilies and beeswax candles. It must be a full moon, but not too full. His inquisitors must stand before him naked, holding a bowl of craisens, which are like raisins but with cranberries. And then, and only then, can the truth be heard. — Jon Stewart

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July 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush had that colonoscopy over the weekend. The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, "Hell, maybe we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden." — David Letterman

This weekend, President Bush was unconscious — even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby. — Stephen Colbert

The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve? — Jay Leno

For a couple of hours on Saturday morning Dick Cheney was the president. President Bush underwent a colonoscopy and while he was under anesthesia, his powers were officially transferred to the vice president. Did you feel it? Did you know he was the president? It might've not been obvious. There might've not been a thunder clap. You might not have seen, let's say, your neighbor's eyes bleeding. But you might've, I don't know, had a vague feeling as you were making your coffee on Saturday morning that you'd failed everyone who'd ever loved you. And you didn't know why you were feeling that. It was, perhaps, because with Dick Cheney as president, he had the power to turn good thoughts bad. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

July 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Bill O'Reilly recently exposed trendy airline JetBlue for sponsoring a convention of bloggers from the far left website DailyKos.com. Papa Bear is going after JetBlue sponsorship because DailyKos is such a vicious hate site. Just listen to some of the comments he found on it [on screen: O'Reilly reading, "The pope is a primate. Evangelicals are nutcases. Better luck next time after an assasination plot against Vice President Cheney in Afghanistan." O'Reilly, on DailyKos: "It's like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi Party."] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum. O'Reilly isn't the only one out there tackling the big issues that aren't Iraq. Luckily, there's also "Hannity and Colmes." I love this show. It's like watching Dorian Gray and his picture at the same time. Sean Hannity knows there is no greater threat to America today than Bill Clinton 15 years ago. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 04:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush says we’ve turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we’ve turned? I think they call that running in circles. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

But even if the administration is suggesting that the current resurgence of al Qaeda in Pakistan and Iraq is proof that we were right to go into Iraq, how can they deny it was the removal of our troops from Afghanistan to go to Iraq that caused the chaos allowing al Qaeda to come back in the first place? [on screen: WH Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend saying the administration is not able to judge if al Qaeda has increased its numbers in Iraq from pre-war levels]. So that's how they can deny it? They can play retarded: how could we know how much al Qaeda was in Iraq before the invasion when we didn't know shit about Iraq when we went in? — Jon Stewart

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July 23, 2007

Diversity

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Today's Bush Joke

Many people have criticized the Bush administration's strategy in the global war on terror. Their plan has always been to take the fight to al Qaeda and slowly, but surely destroy them. So, Mr. President, if you had to sum up your strategy? [on screen: Bush saying al Qaeda has been weakened]. Well, Tuesday saw the release of the latest war on terror progress report, a new National Intelligence Estimate on the terrorist threat to the homeland. It says al Qaeda has re-established its central organization, gained a safe haven in Pakistan, and rather than being hurt by the war in Iraq, has been instead "energized" by it and helped Osama bin Laden to recruit and raise funds. But most important about the NIE? It proves once and for all why we must stay in Iraq [on screen: Bush saying, "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September 11th"]. The same folks? First of all, what exactly do you have to do to people to lose your colloquial status as "folks"? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

John McCain isn't the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party's diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

A lot of conservatives on radio and TV are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do — have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The Republicans were saying, "Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq." And I'm thinking, "Well, hell, chaos would be an improvement." — David Letterman

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July 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are — Scooter Libby? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Imagine my surprise when I come back to work and find out that the president of the United States commuted Scooter Libby's sentence. How little does the president care what you think about that? [on screen: Bush saying it was a "fair and balanced" decision]. He's literally just using Fox News' slogan now. Here's the thing about the phrase "fair and balanced" — the president means it just as much as Fox does. But obviously the top story while we were gone had to be the war in Iraq. As you know, we are now entering our fifth year of making very good progress in Iraq. Obviously, the president defining progress now as "moving forward through time." But this spring, Congress finally asked the president for some specifics about our progress and its level of goodness. They required him to submit regular reports, and our first report card is in [on screen: Bush saying the Iraqis have made progress on eight of 18 benchmarks]. Yes! There you have it — eight of 18. Otherwise known as a "Gentleman's F." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism — although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 12:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 16, 2007

How The News Works

Humor & Fun Iran Iraq Media

This is excellent.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Republican Senator and family values conservative — that's what he calls himself — Senator David Vitter of Louisiana admitted he was a client of the so called DC Madam in Washington...You gotta go on his website, he's like Mr. Religious, Mr. Family Values. Well now a second madam has come forward and told the Associated Press that he was also a customer at her brothel. This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker. And this madam says that Vitter was not only having sex with the prostitutes — this is unbelievable — he would also pay them to dress him up in a diaper. See, that's what you call a pampered politician. And she also said today in an interview that he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him because his wife didn't listen to him. Well, I bet she's all ears now. — Jay Leno

There's another one of those prostitution scandals down there in Washington, DC. Louisiana Senator David Vitter admitted that he's been visiting Washington area prostitutes. And I thought about this, "Whoa, wait a minute, a politician, paying for a hooker? I didn't see that coming." But good for Vitter, he said that it did not cost the taxpayers a cent. He pays for the hookers with his bribe money. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 04:34 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

July 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The price of milk is going up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. In fact, President Bush said today if the price of milk continues to rise, we may have to invade Wisconsin. — Jay Leno

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July 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people: Cheney and Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander."

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

June 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: attorney Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, "My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face — and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?" Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything.

CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, "Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery," listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, "In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party and has become an Independent. Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don't confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt. — Seth Meyers

Posted by Jonathan at 08:32 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

June 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Let's begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States' coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq's most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People's gayest member. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

One of the key battlegrounds in our gay culture war is actually key battlegrounds. I'm talking about gays in the military. The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy has thrown our armed forces into chaos in the middle of a war on terror. We cannot waiver on this issue, folks, and thank God none of the Republicans did in their recent presidential debate [on screen: none of the GOP candidates raise their hand when asked if gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly in the military]. I say their silence speaks volumes. Plus, they kind of had to keep it down because Mary Cheney's baby was sleeping in the next room. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran. I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since, well, Al Gore. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Cheney is having an operation on his heart this week. Talk about microsurgery. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

This weekend, President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, "Look, a car!" — Conan O'Brien

To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as "the poor man's Kazakhstan." Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions. — Jon Stewart

A lot of people have asked, "Why the big response?" Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002...So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big. — Stephen Colbert

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June 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

How low were expectations for the G8 meeting? This New York Times headline declares it a breakthrough that the president agreed cutting greenhouse gases in half as something the U.S. will "seriously consider" by 2050. Of course, by then we'll all also have to take into account the votes of the Gill People. Obviously, they'll probably go with whoever offers them the most krill. — Jon Stewart

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June 15, 2007

Self-Referential Puzzle

A doozy of a puzzle for your Friday afternoon pleasure.

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Today's Bush Joke

Undaunted by the protesters, the G8 leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by "consensus," we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven. — Jon Stewart

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June 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide, Scooter Libby, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. However, the sentence could be cut short if Vice President Cheney needs a heart transplant. — Jay Leno

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June 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama. — David Letterman

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May 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating? — Jay Leno

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May 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The last time the Queen of England was in the United States was 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Back then, President Bush was fighting a war in Iraq. — David Letterman

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May 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, "Who does not believe in evolution?" And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. — Jay Leno

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May 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The other bombshell coming out this week is former CIA director George Tenet has a new book where he says there was no serious debate within the administration about going into Iraq. It will hit the stores on Monday, under the title "No Shit." — Bill Maher

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May 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

This week, all the Republican candidates will be coming to California to debate each other at the Reagan Library. The winner will then be selected by Exxon-Mobil. — Jay Leno

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May 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. — David Letterman

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May 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush vetoed the Iraq troop withdrawal bill. He said it would turn the country into a cauldron of chaos. And you hate to see Iraq become unstable. — David Letterman

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May 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Four years ago Tuesday, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the "Mission Accomplished" banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us. — David Letterman

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May 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

"Congress has finally passed a bill that requires troops to start leaving Iraq. Bush has not had a challenge like this since Laura poured his Wild Turkey down the toilet. Bush is furious about it. He said, "We have come this far, this is no time to get rational." — Bill Maher

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April 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president. — Jay Leno

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April 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted? — Jay Leno

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April 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory. Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that. — Jay Leno

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April 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Reviews of Gonzales' performance were mixed. 99.99% of the people who saw it felt he embarrassed himself. The other .01% was this guy [on screen: Pres. Bush]. — Jon Stewart, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

It's so hard to follow. That is exactly why the president was so impressed. Legally, Gonzales had to appear before Congress, so his choice was either to expose the administration's political machinations, or appear to be a functioning pinhead. He went with pinhead. And if I may say — nailed it. — Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

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April 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Really, President Bush? You think the Gonzales testimony went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word "nappy," and he remembered to wear pants. — Amy Poehler

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April 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly. — Jon Stewart

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April 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Today on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore — he deleted everything. — Jay Leno

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April 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand. — Jay Leno

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April 19, 2007

~~War Czar~~ Execution Manager

Humor & Fun Iraq

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Today's Bush Joke

The Bush administration on Wednesday extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, "I'm gay." — Amy Poehler

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April 18, 2007

Loan Wolf

Humor & Fun Iraq Politics

A great Jon Stewart bit on Paul Wolfowitz:

Posted by Jonathan at 04:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

The White House said today that they have lost the e-mails requested by congressional investigators, e-mails that may have dealt with the firing of those eight federal prosecutors. They lost them. Today the administration assured Americans that they are not corrupt, just incompetent. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. — Kurt Vonnegut

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April 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The White House says it wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department. This person would be called "the president of the United States." — Conan O'Brien

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April 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Do you believe the weather around the country? It was snowing in Washington. It was so white, people thought the Republicans were back in charge. It was so cold in Georgia that Newt Gingrich had another affair just so he could stay warm. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:39 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The Republicans issued a statement today demanding that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi get back to work. President Bush would have made the statement himself, but he's still on vacation. — Jay Leno

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April 12, 2007

What Fun

Culture Humor & Fun

This website is a total gas. Go.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Some people still love President Bush. He also spoke this week at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bullshit. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at