April 25, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, "I know this is just horse play?" But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden. — David Letterman

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April 08, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Source

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April 07, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

There was a big rally on Wall Street after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do. — Jay Leno

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April 02, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The Republicans released their budget counter-proposal this week. It plans to address the deficit, global warming, healthcare, energy, massive tax cuts for the rich. I'm not kidding. Also, there are no numbers in this budget. It's a budget plan without any math in it. You know, Obama should have saved that Special Olympics joke for these retards. — Bill Maher

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April 01, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke out his big plan this week to buy up all those toxic assets that the banks are holding. If you don't know what a toxic asset means, it's a piece of paper that's worthless now, but could be worth something someday, the same way Confederate money could be. Or, those old newspapers in your garage. All we have to do is find someone to buy them, preferably a moron who shits gold. — Bill Maher

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March 24, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Beautiful day in New York City today. In fact, it was so nice, the AIG executives were counting their bonuses in the park. — David Letterman

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March 17, 2009

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh? — Jay Leno

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November 28, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Listen to this, a guy in North Carolina, a mailman, a Federal employee, a postal worker, was arrested and put in jail. You know why? He would deliver regular mail, but he wouldn't deliver junk mail. They got the guy, they arrested him, and they put him in prison. We got that guy, but still no word on bin Laden. — David Letterman

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November 15, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, "Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?" — David Letterman

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November 13, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

I am giddy is what I am, because I had such a lovely day off yesterday, which was ruined by Barack Obama. Yesterday, the Obamas visited with President Bush. Yes, they visited with President Bush at their future residence, the White House. Hey, for the record, a real candidate of change would move into the Air and Space Museum. How fun would that be? I didn't like how Obama got all handsy with the president [on screen: Obama putting his hand on the top of Bush's back as they walked into the White House together]. You don't see President Bush invading people's personal space — unless they have oil. — Stephen Colbert

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November 12, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, "The United States can only have one president." To which Bush said, "Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." — Jay Leno

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November 10, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right? — Jay Leno

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November 05, 2008

The Onion Strikes Again Humor & Fun  Politics

Ah, The Onion:

Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

After emerging victorious from one of the most pivotal elections in history, president-elect Barack Obama will assume the role of commander in chief on Jan. 20, shattering a racial barrier the United States is, at long last, shitty enough to overcome.

Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.

"Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, 'Things are finally as terrible as we're willing to tolerate," said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. "To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time—these last eight years must have really broken you."

Added Obama, "It's a great day for our nation."

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. Another contributing factor to Obama's victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

Citizens with eyes, ears, and the ability to wake up and realize what truly matters in the end are also believed to have played a crucial role in Tuesday's election.

According to a CNN exit poll, 42 percent of voters said that the nation's financial woes had finally become frightening enough to eclipse such concerns as gay marriage, while 30 percent said that the relentless body count in Iraq was at last harrowing enough to outweigh long ideological debates over abortion. In addition, 28 percent of voters were reportedly too busy paying off medical bills, desperately trying not to lose their homes, or watching their futures disappear to dismiss Obama any longer.

"The election of our first African-American president truly shows how far we've come as a nation," said NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. "Just eight years ago, this moment would have been unthinkable. But finally we, as a country, have joined together, realized we've reached rock bottom, and for the first time voted for a candidate based on his policies rather than the color of his skin."

"Today Americans have grudgingly taken a giant leap forward," Williams continued. "And all it took was severe economic downturn, a bloody and unjust war in Iraq, terrorist attacks on lower Manhattan, nearly 2,000 deaths in New Orleans, and more than three centuries of frequently violent racial turmoil."

Said Williams, "The American people should be commended for their long-overdue courage."

Obama's victory is being called the most significant change in politics since the 1992 election, when a full-scale economic recession led voters to momentarily ignore the fact that candidate Bill Clinton had once smoked marijuana. While many believed things had once again reached an all-time low in 2004, the successful reelection of President George W. Bush — despite historically low approval ratings nationwide — proved that things were not quite shitty enough to challenge the already pretty shitty status quo.

"If Obama learned one thing from his predecessors, it's that timing means everything," said Dr. James Pung, a professor of political science at Princeton University. "Less than a decade ago, Al Gore made the crucial mistake of suggesting we should care about preserving the environment before it became unavoidably clear that global warming would kill us all, and in 2004, John Kerry cost himself the presidency by criticizing Bush's disastrous Iraq policy before everyone realized our invasion had become a complete and total quagmire."

"Obama had the foresight to run for president at a time when being an African-American was not as important to Americans as, say, the ability to clothe and feed their children," Pung continued. "An election like this only comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime."

As we enter a new era of equality for all people, the election of Barack Obama will decidedly be a milestone in U.S. history, undeniable proof that Americans, when pushed to the very brink, are willing to look past outward appearances and judge a person by the quality of his character and strength of his record. So as long as that person is not a woman.

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

I can't believe this happened. Over the weekend, a comedian, I guess on the radio, tricked Sarah Palin into getting on the phone by pretending he was French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Yeah, the comedian says it was really difficult to trick Palin into believing he was Nicolas Sarkozy, because she has no idea who that is. No clue. — Conan O'Brien

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November 03, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

In a speech yesterday, Joe the plumber said that John McCain is a real American. And who better to say who is a real American than a fake plumber? — Jay Leno

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November 02, 2008

Palin Punk'd Humor & Fun  Politics

Sarah Palin gets a prank call from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy, and she never catches on:

Yes, it's for real.

This is who they want to put a heartbeat away.

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then, finally, Acceptance. — Jay Leno

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October 28, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

I for one appreciate the McCain campaign treating us like children. McCain will bring us back to a simpler time. A time when you could identify your neighbors’ jobs by the hats they wore. Like Sam the Fireman, Bill the Cowboy and Jose the stereotype. These are the people in your neighborhood. The people that you meet when you’re walking down the street. They’re the people that you meet each day. And what the people in your neighborhood, the Joe the Plumber, the Wendy the Waitress need are tax cuts for the wealthy and off shore drilling. They don’t need universal health care or last names. — Stephen Colbert

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October 23, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle class tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that! — most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying "that is reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington."] Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08! — Jon Stewart

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October 20, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Now come on, of all the weeks of the campaign, this was the weirdest. I mean, John McCain has a new BFF, Joe the Plumber. He said the words "Joe the plumber" 15 times in the debate the other night. And then we find out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, "Who is Barack Obama?" — Bill Maher

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October 19, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

From Gail Collins, NYT (via Calculated Risk):

George W. Bush showed up on TV Friday morning to reassure the nation. What could possibly be worse?

Everybody knows that anything our president says is very likely wrong, and certainly won’t happen. If he announced: “I’m sending government agents to Spokane to arrest the looters,” we would expect that the officials would get lost, nobody would be arrested, and the looters probably never existed in the first place.

So hearts sunk throughout the nation when Bush appeared at a Chamber of Commerce gathering to say that the economy would recover.

“America is the most attractive destination for investors around the globe. America is the home of the most talented and enterprising and creative workers in the world,” said the president, who also insisted that “democratic capitalism remains the greatest system ever devised.”

Which translates into: all the money is going to Asia, nobody will ever get a job again and Karl Marx was right after all.

Bummer.


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October 18, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

If you watched the debate the other night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the Plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker. — Jay Leno

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October 17, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun
(Source)

(Source)

Nice to see.

[Thanks, Mark]

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October 16, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

As we speak, Barack Obama and John McCain have just finished their third and final debate. Now, in the latest New York Times poll, McCain trails by 14 points. So it is clear what this debate needed to be for him [on screen: people saying McCain needs a game-changer in the final debate]. Hopefully he can change that game to golf. That way the lowest score wins. — Stephen Colbert

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October 15, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, "It's a good thing I'm in charge." And I know that's what we're all thinking. But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu. — David Letterman

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October 14, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think for the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary. — Bill Maher

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October 10, 2008

Getaway Inner Tube Humor & Fun

Hilarious.

[Thanks, Kevin]

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

I don't know, what did you think of the debate? Anything? Anything going on there? I'm not sure that John McCain actually helped himself. In fact, I think maybe he blew off the wrong show. — David Letterman

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October 09, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

John McCain looks like the guy who thinks he's the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. "You better tie up those trash bags or we're gonna get racoons." — David Letterman

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October 08, 2008

"That One" Humor & Fun  Politics

Now in four sizes.

[Thanks, Kevin]

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Last night's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? "I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone." — Jay Leno

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October 07, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha! And she kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That's because her answers make more sense after six beers. — David Letterman

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October 06, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

McCain is still sinking in the polls. He's getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is "McCain: The White Obama." — Bill Maher

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October 05, 2008

Homer Simpson Votes Humor & Fun  Politics  Vote Fraud

Video here.

Let's hope on November 5th we're still laughing.

[Thanks, Miles]

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Tina Fey Debates Humor & Fun  Politics

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president. — Conan O'Brien

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October 03, 2008

McCain Debates... McCain Humor & Fun  Politics

Great Jon Stewart bit. Watch especially McCain vs. McCain starting at the 1:45 mark. Unbelievable.

But McCain is the straight talker. I heard it on the teevee.

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Sarah Palin Debate Flowchart Humor & Fun  Politics





Exactly.

(Source)

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

What I wish Biden had said:

Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. They battled Republicans. And their message? Vote Republican. — Jay Leno

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October 02, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Now yesterday, John McCain said that Federal aid to Wall Street shouldn't be called a "bailout," but instead should be called a "rescue." Yeah. McCain also said he's not old, he's "geezerific." — Conan O'Brien

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October 01, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started. — Jimmy Kimmel

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September 29, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

These financial shenanigans that have been going on... Like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't? — Bill Maher

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September 28, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

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September 26, 2008

Jon Stewart's "Freedom Memory" Economy  Humor & Fun  Politics

Jon Stewart nails it, as usual:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

[Thanks, Miles]

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September 24, 2008

"You Need A Ride To The Airport?" Humor & Fun  Politics

Letterman on McCain's ridiculous stunt:

Awesome.

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do. — Jay Leno

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September 23, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. — Bill Maher

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September 22, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism. — Jimmy Kimmel

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September 19, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. "Ooh, sorry, you're too much of a risk." — Jay Leno

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September 17, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to Sarah Palin, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name: Murphy's Law. — Jay Leno

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September 16, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Supporters of Palin say it's okay she doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't work out that great. — Jay Leno

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September 15, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Palin said [in her convention speech] that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention. — Jay Leno

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September 13, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, "Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background." — Jay Leno

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September 12, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. They battled Republicans. And their message? Vote Republican. — Jay Leno

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September 10, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election. — Jay Leno

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September 09, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Palin said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain. — Jay Leno

Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house. Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000? — Jimmy Kimmel

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September 08, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack. — Bill Maher

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September 07, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican who will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that's a great lesson for kids: always clean up your own mess. — Jimmy Kimmel

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September 06, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

She said at her church, Governor Palin, she said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area." — Jay Leno

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September 05, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

This is soooooo good:

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September 03, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, "We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina." — Bill Maher

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August 31, 2008

Sarah Palin, Vagina-American Humor & Fun  Politics

The Daily Show nails John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as running mate:

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July 02, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

This morning, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Wooo! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves. From each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, "It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct." He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections. — Stephen Colbert

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June 10, 2008

Today's McCain Joke Humor & Fun

John McCain has a new slogan. Have you heard his new slogan? "A Leader We Can Believe In." See, that's a lot better than his old slogan. [Wheezing]: "I'll be okay. Give me a minute!" — Jay Leno

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June 08, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraq war. — David Letterman

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May 06, 2008

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the "Mission Accomplished" banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said "Economic Recession Over." — Conan O'Brien

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April 22, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Do you have a concern that you could win the nomination at the convention and defeat John McCain in the general and, you know, go to your inauguration, and Hillary would still be running? — Jon Stewart, interviewing Barack Obama last night

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April 04, 2008

Friday Fun Humor & Fun

Utterly amazing:

[Thanks, Kevin]

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke speaking before Congress warned we may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the real estate market not looking too good either. — Jay Leno

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March 14, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The race for the Democratic nomination moved yesterday to Mississippi where Senator Barack Obama defeated Senator Clinton by 61% to 37%. Second win in a row for Obama. Clearly gaining momentum. Major night for his campaign [on screen: montage of news anchors and pundits saying Obama's win was expected]. There you have it, if the media isn't surprised something is going to happen, it does not count. Actually, there was one shocking result [on screen: FNC's Sean Hannity saying, "Nine to one African-Americans vote for Barack Obama. 76% of the white voters go for Hillary. What are we to make of those two things?"] That slavery leaves a mark. — Jon Stewart

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March 10, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

And on the Republican side? [on screen: McCain saying, "We have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility, and a great sense of responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States"]. Senator McCain, congratulations. All it took was grit, patience, and what was, in retrospect, a cartoonishly weak field of opponents. — Jon Stewart

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March 03, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

[John McCain] looks like the kind of guy who still talks real loud on a long-distance phone call. He looks like the relative who you get blank e-mails from. He looks like the guy whose wife forced him to go on a cruise. He looks like the guy you have to nudge when his name is called. He looks like a freelance crosswalk guard. — David Letterman

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February 28, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

How about that John McCain, huh? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob. He looks like a guy who parks his RV overnight at Wal-Mart. — David Letterman

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February 27, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

John McCain...looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: "Hello, is that - hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?" He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: "Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello?" — David Letterman

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February 26, 2008

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. — Jay Leno

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February 20, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

John McCain...looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter. He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he's on the right bus. He looks like the guy who's always saying, "What was that? Nothing? That's what I thought." — David Letterman

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February 19, 2008

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space. — Jay Leno

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February 18, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. Turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama. — Jay Leno

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February 14, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We're like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They're trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news — half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos. — Jay Leno

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February 12, 2008

See You In 12,008 Humor & Fun  Politics

Meet John McCain:

[Thanks, Miles]

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The GOP likes to call itself the "Big Tent Party," which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent. — Jay Leno

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February 09, 2008

La Langosta Blanca Humor & Fun

Via the incomparable Cryptogon, here's a surreal story that cries out to be made into a screenplay. Gabriel Garcia Marquez meets The Gods Must Be Crazy. Except it's true. Worth quoting at length. NZH:

At first glance, Bluefields in Nicaragua looks like any other rum-soaked, Rastafarian-packed, hammock-infested Caribbean paradise. But Bluefields has a secret.

People here don't have to work. Every week, sometimes every day, 35kg sacks of cocaine drift in from the sea. The economy of this entire town of 50,000 tranquil souls is addicted to cocaine.

Bluefields is a creation of the gods of geography. Located halfway between the cocaine labs of Colombia and the 300 million noses of the United States, Bluefields is ground zero for cocaine transportation. Nicaraguan waters are near Colombian territorial limits, making the area extremely popular with cocaine smugglers using very small, very fast fishing boats.

The US military calls them "go fast boats", which is a bureaucratic way of describing these mini-water-rockets. Typically these 12m boats have 800 horsepower of outboard motors bolted to the stern. A Porsche 911 Turbo, by comparison, has 485 horsepower.

While they are very fast, they are also very visible to the array of radars set up by roaming US spy planes, Coastguard cutters and helicopters which regularly monitor the speeding cocaine traffickers.

"With night vision equipment, I have seen a lit cigarette from two miles," a US Navy pilot said. "Or the back light from their GPS screen? It looks like a billboard."

When the Americans get close, the traffickers toss the cocaine overboard, both to eliminate evidence and lighten their load in an escape attempt.

"They throw most of it off," says a Lt Commander in the US Coastguard. "I have been on four interdictions and we have confiscated about 6000 pounds [2720kg] of cocaine, and I'd say equal that much was dumped into the ocean."

Those bales of cocaine float, and the currents bring them west right into the chain of islands, beaches and cays which make up the huge lagoons that surround Bluefields on Nicaragua's Atlantic coast.

"There are no jobs here, unemployment is 85 per cent," says Moises Arana, who was mayor of Bluefields from 2001 to 2005.

"It is sad to say, but the drugs have made contributions. Look at the beautiful houses, those mansions come from drugs. We had a women come into the local electronics store with a milk bucket stuffed full of cash. She was this little Miskito [native] woman and she had $80,000."

Hujo Sugo, a historian of Bluefields, says the floating coke has created a new local hobby.

"People here now go beachcombing for miles, they walk until the find packets. Even the lobster fisherman now go out with the pretence of fishing but really they are looking for la langosta blanca - the white lobster."

Given the remote setting and lack of infrastructure, there are few roads, few cars and the biggest shop in Bluefields sells nothing more sophisticated than a washing machine or TV set.

So what do the locals do with all this cocaine? They sell it to travelling buyers who cruise the coast, disguised as used clothes vendors.

"We know there are small shop owners who do this," says Yorlene Orozco, the local judge. "We are talking about people without a profession, no home, no job. One day later they have a new car, go to the casino and are building a home that costs I don't know how many thousands of dollars."

Law enforcement in Bluefields is practically invisible. "I just had a Swiss tourist tell me that when she went to the supermarket they tried to sell her cocaine," says Orozco.

The police and Navy have few resources and less trust from the local public. Bluefields is effectively an anarchist nation - no Government, no organised institutions and the rules are made by community groups.

Given the massive amount of cocaine in town, violence is surprisingly rare. Gunfights are nearly unheard of and most of the town seems to lounge around or play baseball all day and then erupt into a frenzy of energy by late afternoon, fuelled by Flor de Cana, a Nicaraguan rum, fresh fish, an endless supply of native oysters, and "the white lobster".

"Down by Monkey Point, a family found an entire boat ... they stashed it and bought up houses all over town. It was 57 sacks [about 1995kg]," says Jah Boon, a local Rasta man. "Those people have money and still have coke buried in them hills. It is another way of having money in the bank."

At a local price of $3500 per kg, the typical 35kg sack nets a cash sale price of $122,500, which by all accounts is spent immediately.

"Last time bags and bags washed up, everyone [felt like] a millionaire, but that money does not last." explains Helen, who runs a university research institute in Bluefields. Asked how the locals unload their cash, she said: "Beer, beer, beer. You should see the amount they drink here. Go to the pier and see how much alcohol goes out to the islands."

"When the drugs come in, everyone is happy, the banks, the stores, everyone has cash."

Arana, the former mayor, recalled one month when the village bought 28,000 cases of beer.

With literally tonnes of cocaine buried in the hills, stashed in yards and piled up around town, why doesn't the Colombian mafia storm into these remote communities and repossess their coke bales by coercion or brute force?

"Hell no," says Peter, a local businessman. "The Miskito [local Indians] are guerrillas. They have been through war. They have AK-47s and up." [...]

Because the Miskito often live in isolated communities, they maintain their own rules, independence and traditions, including the belief that whatever treasures arrive in a river or from the sea are gifts, blessed by God and to be enjoyed and shared. That includes the Caribbean lobster and the white Colombian variety. [...]

"If shit washes up on your shore it belongs to that family. Every family owns their turf," said a Miskito fisherman.

But when a fisherman finds white lobster the entire village shares the treasure, with a percentage going to the community, a smaller percentage to the church and the majority split among the crew of the small boat that found the loot.

"It is like a municipal tax," says Sergio Leon, a local reporter who has been writing about the drug situation in Bluefields for many years. "The schools and churches are not built by the Government, that money comes from the fishermen and their finds."

Drug money has been used to build a school and replace the church roof. "The pastors here get mad when they don't get their cut from the find," says Francisco a court official. "If a member of the congregation has found 15kg, the church calculates 15 times $3500, that's $52,500, and at 10 per cent they are saying: where's the $5250?"

At night, Bluefields wakes up. The locals wander down to Midnight Dream, a reggae bar that locals have nicknamed Baghdad Ranch because of the surreal nature of its party scene. Young black men wear baseball hats, NBA sleeveless shirts and Nike Air sneakers. They are bedecked in gold chains.

My new drinking buddy says: "I got protection," and lifts his Houston Rockets NBA shirt to show off the butt of a pistol. "You won't get thieved here." [...]

When the lyrics scream out "I feel so high, I can touch the sky", practically on cue the three girls at the next table pile coke on the back of their ebony hands and snort openly, laughing. Then they start the maypole dance the traditional fertility festival for this month, May, which has evolved into a wickedly sexy dirty-dancing routine. A stunning line of 1.8m black women swirl on the dance floor. A Rasta man stumbles by, his nose white, clumps of coke stuck in his beard.

This party is all paid for by the white lobster, which sells for $5 a gram. "Those guys over at that table, they are Miskito, they found seven bags," explains the waiter with the hint of jealousy usually reserved for lottery winners. "He will buy a couple of ranches, two boats and have someone else fish for him."

As the night progresses, the winners slowly disappear behind a wall of Tona beer bottles. No one ever seems to get tired.

No one ever seems to get tired. No kidding.

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

But don't worry about Mitt. He can always go back to playing Dr. Miles Windgate on General Hospital. Mitt looks like the guy your mother points to and says why can't you be more like him. He looks like a former Tarzan. Mitt looks like a Tom Cruise handler. Mitt looks like a tour guide at the Nixon Library. Mitt looks like the guy that shows you around Total Fitness. Mitt looks like the honorary mayor of Sherman Oaks. Mitt looks like the guy who shakes your hand too hard. Mitt looks like the guy who has a crease in his jeans. — David Letterman

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February 08, 2008

Mel & Floyd Humor & Fun

Friday afternoon, so time for some Mel & Floyd, streaming here for the next hour. Love these guys.

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

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February 03, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Don't worry about Mitt, if this presidential thing doesn't work out he can always go back to playing Victor Newman on the "Young and the Restless." Mitt Romney doesn't look like a president, he looks like a ringmaster. Mitt looks like a guy wearing a golf shirt in an Eddie Bauer catalogue. He looks like the desk clerk at a Peninsula Hotel who tells you your room's not ready. Mitt looks like the guy at a party who gives you his card. He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club. He looks like a Jet Blue pilot who comes out to greet the passengers during a delay. Mitt Romney looks like the guy who says to the contestant, "We're out of time, can you come back tomorrow?" — David Letterman

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January 30, 2008

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air. It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks. — David Letterman

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January 29, 2008

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f***up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says "Next Rest Stop: 28 miles." — Bill Maher

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January 22, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism. — Jay Leno

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January 21, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney. — Jay Leno

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January 11, 2008

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

With all this talk of hope and change and idealism and getting the country back on track, it was a friend of mine, an old friend who — he wanted to say something to you. Is he ready to say it? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, "Iran is a threat to world peace."] Boo! That's former president ... What is that? Oh, he's still... Bush's warning to Iran was sort of a nice reminder for all of us here in the country that he's still the president. And to drive the point home, he's actually going overseas. The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-country, 12-war visit. I assume he's going to the Middle East like kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of: did I do that? — Jon Stewart

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January 07, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The whole damn state of Iowa is littered with the detritus of winners. Iowa is winner-tastic.

Obviously, Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee are winners because... well, they won. And that’s what winners do: they win.

But you’d also have to say that John Edwards and Mitt Romney are winners too, because even though they came in second, they called themselves winners, and as big time national politicos — you got to assume they know what they’re talking about.

Hillary Clinton is apparently a winner, because in her speech, after coming in third, she never gave the slightest impression she hadn’t won, so maybe she knows something the rest of us don’t, which is another characteristic trait of winners.

Fred Thompson won because he came in third after canvassing the state with the energy of a three-legged tortoise on reds.

John McCain won because he spent no time in Iowa at all and still came in fourth. Which, in some books, makes him a double winner.

Ron Paul is a big winner coming in a strong fifth, if there is such a thing, when most experts didn’t even expect him to be able to find Iowa on a map.

Rudy Giuliani, the Mayor of 9/11, won, because he spent no money in Iowa, which can now be used to frighten people in states with more foreigners.

Bill Richardson wasn’t really try to win anyhow, and he didn’t, so he’s a winner.

Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd may be the biggest winners because they don’t have to do this anymore.

Duncan Hunter is what you call a winner in reverse, since he polled just 500 votes. Which is only 500 votes more than you or I got, and we weren’t even running. Which certainly makes us winners. — Will Durst

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January 04, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee demonstrated how he hates negative campaigning by showing journalists the negative ad he refuses to air. Kind of like proving your virginity by parading the hooker you won't screw. — Will Durst

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January 03, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

[Today,] of course, is the Iowa caucus. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, "the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa." — Jay Leno

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January 02, 2008

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Mike Huckabee said he knows there is duck hunting in heaven. Wow, doesn't sound like duck heaven is in the same place as human heaven. — Will Durst

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December 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Congress passed legislation to toughen the Freedom of Information Act, and over at the White House, a series of secret, clandestine, behind-closed-door meetings will determine whether they'll sign the bill. — Will Durst

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December 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

George Bush should get another dog and name him Diplomacy. Because then you couldn't say George Bush wouldn’t know Diplomacy if it bit him in the ass. — Will Durst

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December 14, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee says when he said people with AIDS should be quarantined, he didn't really mean, "quarantined." Hopefully, when he said he was running for President he didn't really mean, "President." — Will Durst

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December 13, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Guaranteed to make you smile...

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December 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush said even though the latest National Intelligence Estimate purports Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program years ago, it changes nothing. Bush has a mind like a cement bedspread. Once he's made it up, it stays made. — Will Durst

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December 04, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

You got to love Mitt Romney. First, he's pro choice, then he's anti choice; so I guess that makes him-multiple choice. — Will Durst

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November 30, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Mattel should produce a Mitt Romney action figure. In order to get it to change positions, you keep asking the same question. — Will Durst

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November 29, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig." — Comedy Central

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November 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun




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November 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term "failed to pass." — Jay Leno

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November 21, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

During one of the Democratic debates, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence — a noun, a verb, and 9/11." Giuliani later responded, saying, "Joe Biden sucks 9/11." — Seth Meyers

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November 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end. — David Letterman

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November 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There's a new biography of the president out in which he says "I do tears," which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it's kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads. — Jimmy Kimmel

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November 17, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is that Rudy Giuliani did. Besides climbing out of a hole and shaking his fist at the sky, that is. — Will Durst

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November 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey isn't sure whether waterboarding is torture. Sounds like a demonstration might be in order. I'm thinking the Senate Judiciary Committee should arrange one. — Will Durst

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November 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Today, President Bush said, "The Iraqis are taking back Iraq." Then Dick Cheney said, "But not the oil, right?" — Jay Leno

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November 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again. — Jay Leno

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October 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Condoleezza Rice says we have no plans to invade Iran. So how does that differ with what happened in Iraq? — Will Durst

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October 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The good news is FEMA showed up in California. The bad news is they came to fix the levees. — Will Durst

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October 26, 2007

Creationist Math Humor & Fun  Religion

Mwahahaha.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Thomas Jefferson once said: "Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Göring. Shoot. — Jon Stewart

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October 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75% of the fake bombs that were sent though the line. However, they did confiscate 100% of people's water bottles. — Jay Leno

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October 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time — but not one drop of shampoo. — Bill Maher

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October 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, "What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?" — Bill Maher

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October 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

According to a new report, security screeners at our nation's airports — this is scary — failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents 60% of the time. President Bush said today, "Well, who cares about fake bombs?" — Jay Leno

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October 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush "Man of The Year." — Jay Leno

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October 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I think I know why you're happy tonight: 'cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, "Sweden is with the terrorists." No, the president did not say that. What he said was, "The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study." — Bill Maher

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October 15, 2007

Reassurance Environment  Humor & Fun

Source

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush. — Amy Poehler

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October 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

One of President Bush's closest advisers said that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is going to have trouble getting elected 'cause his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee. — Conan O'Brien

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October 11, 2007

Neocon Gold Humor & Fun

Not available in any store.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a safety risk. Again, this is another issue I don't think President Bush understands. Like today, Bush said, "Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them." — Jay Leno

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October 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

During a recent speech, President Bush said, "My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions." Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech. — Conan O'Brien

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October 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

While out on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that Republicans have to start acting like Republicans. I don't know, last week they avoided a debate with black people. You can't get more Republican than that. — Jay Leno

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October 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, "Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again." — Jay Leno

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October 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This week's "Alpha Dog" is President George W. Bush. Now it goes without saying that President Bush could be my "Alpha Dog" every week. He has certainly left his mark all over this country, but now he has outdone even himself. You see, for years the Left has accused the Bush administration of doing nothing on global warming. As if intimidating scientists is nothing. But the president cares just as much about climate change as Al Gore. He just would have called his documentary "How Inconvenient That The Science Isn't In Yet." This week, President Bush proved how much he cares by hosting a global warming summit, where he asked the rest of the world to follow him on climate change. And that takes glacier-sized balls — pre-global warming. The president set a clear goal to reduce emissions [on screen: Bush saying, "By setting this goal, we commit ourselves to doing something about it. By next summer, we will convene a meeting of heads of state to finalize the goal."] Next summer, the goal will be finalized. At this rate, we should be able to take action on global warming by... January 20, 2009. In one day, the president leapt from the back of the pack to the lead husky, leaving the rest of the world staring at his swinging sack. So Mr. President, for leading us to a bold commitment to finalize a goal for future possible action to solve global warming, you, sir, are my "Alpha Dog" of the week. — Stephen Colbert

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October 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Source

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October 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun. — David Letterman

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October 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

On this program in the past, we have occasionally ribbed our current president. But it's in no way indicative of any real feelings about the president's abilities or policies. It's nothing personal — until now. Yesterday, surrounded by school children, speaking in defense of his education policy, the president said this [on screen: Bush saying, "Childrens do learn."] Childrens do learn. Oh does they. "Childrens do learn" while talking about education. Let me tell you something, sir, myself and this show, we don't need your charity. I have a full staff of very talented writers and producers working for me and we can't even make that funnier by taking that out of context. There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule you. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks, because, as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations. So please sir, change — for the childrens. — Jon Stewart

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September 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he's not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated him in a debate. — Bill Maher

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September 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal. — Jay Leno

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September 27, 2007

Fun With Fugues Humor & Fun

This is a hoot.

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Today's Joke Humor & Fun

I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people. — Jay Leno

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September 26, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

The Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it. — Bill Maher

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September 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader. — Jay Leno

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September 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

So obviously, the president has a better [health care] idea [on screen: Bush saying, "I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors..."] Okay, I'm just going to stop him right there. I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. "Empowering people and their doctors." See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors. — Jon Stewart

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September 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Just today, President Bush gave a press conference to talk about an issue on everyone's mind — health care. Specifically, this so-called SCHIP insurance bill. It's a Democratic measure that would expand what children would be eligible for federally funded health insurance. And you know why that's bad [on screen: Bush saying, "The SCHIP plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run health care for every American."] Oh my God, they're gonna put Communism in our kids' drinking water — and then inject them with the gay and load them on Michael Moore and float them to Cuba! — Jon Stewart

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September 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him. — Jay Leno

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September 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy the other night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes. — Jay Leno

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September 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish. — Conan O'Brien

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September 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The other night, President Bush gave his eighth speech to the nation about Iraq. In it, Bush promised to have the troops home by speech number 73. — Conan O'Brien

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September 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

[Thanks, Maurice]

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September 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In a new biography coming out soon about President George W. Bush, when asked what his plans where after he leaves office, President Bush said he'd like to make some money giving speeches. He wants to give speeches. Well, you can't say the man doesn't know where his strengths are. — Jay Leno

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September 14, 2007

Miette's Tear Humor & Fun

Chaos theory:

(via RI)

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus. — Jay Leno

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September 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In Australia, President Bush praised the brave Austrian troops. Can't wait for him to go to Vienna and ask where all the kangaroos are. — Will Durst

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September 12, 2007

"That's Not How Gay Works" Humor & Fun  Politics

Larry Craig's old news, but this is too funny.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

On Labor Day enroute to a summit in Australia, President Bush made an unannounced stop in Anbar province, Iraq, stopping at the Anbar Province Regional Airport. Why Iraq? Why now? Well, as the president explained, "I have come to see with my own eyes the remarkable changes that are taking place in Anbar province." He's not looking with other people's eyes, he's looking with his. In all, Bush was in Iraq for a total of six hours, all of it within the 17-mile perimeter of the highly-secured Al Asad airbase. His take away? [on screen: Bush saying, "When you stand on the ground here in Anbar and hear from the people who live here, you can see what the future of Iraq can look like"] — a giant, heavily-armed U.S. military base surrounded by a bloody sectarian free-for-all. He's a dreamer. — Jon Stewart

(Video here)

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September 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, "Not if we get there first." — Jay Leno

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September 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard. — David Letterman

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September 09, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

While the Republicans had their 789th debate last night, the big issue of course was the war in Iraq. The candidates were split over it, some Republicans were in favor of it, and other Republicans were really, really in favor of it. In fact, last night on our show, Fred Thompson announced he strongly supports the war in Iraq. When will these Hollywood actors learn to keep their political opinions to themselves on talk shows? Come on. — Jay Leno

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September 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise? — Jay Leno

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September 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush loves the Labor Day weekend. It gives him a chance to unwind, and, gosh, I'm thinking, "When does this guy wind?" — David Letterman

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September 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush was going to give the White House staff the day off for Labor Day, but then he realized everyone resigned, no one works there anymore. In fact, today was Karl Rove's last day at the White House. Yeah, he wanted to wait until everything was just perfect before he left. You know, you don't want to leave the country in a mess. — Jay Leno

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September 04, 2007

Everybody Shape Up Humor & Fun

Ok, humor break needed.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it, then had the pranksters murdered. — Conan O'Brien

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September 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans. — Jay Leno

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September 01, 2007

Today's Joke Humor & Fun

Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled. — Jay Leno

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August 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush was in New Orleans for the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. When he arrived in New Orleans he told the mayor, "I got here as quick as I could." — Jay Leno

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August 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

As you know, the administration conduct concerning prosecuting the war on terror has been questioned by some. But as the president himself explains, there is a perfectly good reason why we don't understand what he's doing [on screen: Bush, in multiple interviews, saying Iraq is "a totally different kind of war"]. Obviously, we invaded Iraq initially because this war is historically unprecedented. Last week, the president explained to us why we must stay in Iraq — historical precedent. Yes, that was the message as Bush addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars, an organization whose numbers he has personally done so much to boost. [on screen: Bush citing the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor to make the case for the Iraq war]. And that is why, in 1941, America invaded China. Yes, with the pivotal Petraeus surge report just weeks away, Bush began his surge to gain support for the Iraq war the only way left — by talking up a bunch of other wars. — Jon Stewart

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August 29, 2007

Today's Jokes Humor & Fun

Sen. Craig is married. Apparently he told his wife, don't worry about having dinner ready to me. I'm going to wolf down a hot dog at the airport. — Jay Leno

Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, maybe that was your second mistake. — David Letterman

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August 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

There were record high temperatures yesterday. I blame Al Gore. Until he invented this global warming, none of this stuff happened. — Jimmy Kimmel

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August 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Karl Rove announced he is leaving the White House at the end of August. Of course, he has always served at the pleasure of the president. Of Halliburton. — Will Durst

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August 24, 2007

America To The Rescue 9/11, "War On Terror"  Humor & Fun  Iran  Iraq

A little history lesson from Jon Stewart:

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Chris Wallace got Karl Rove's Sunday morning talk show tour going [on screen: FNC's Wallace saying, "Let's take a look at some of Karl Rove's greatest hits"]. Ohh, I just bought that on K-Tel! "Karl Rove's Greatest Hits," including "John McCain's Black Baby," "Max Cleland: The One-Limbed Pussy," "The Queers Are Coming," and, of course, "Schiavo-A-Go-Go." No need to call now, your phones have already been tapped. — Jon Stewart

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August 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that? He's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family. — David Letterman

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August 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

From David Letterman's Top 10 Good Things About Marrying into the Bush Family: #1: "Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family".

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August 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Iowa straw poll, a quadrennial ritual for Republican candidates, was held Saturday in Ames, Iowa. And the big winner of this unofficial, preseason survey of the Iowa electorate? Former Massachusetts Governor/part-time J.C. Penny catalogue underwear model Mitt Romney with over 30% of the vote. In a big surprise, the second place finisher was Baptist minister and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee with 18% of the vote, despite spending less than a tenth of what Romney had. Huckabee himself seemed at a loss to explain his success [on screen: Huckabee comparing his Ames showing to "feeding the 5,000 with two fish and five loaves"]. Apt metaphor, governor. But I really have to say, don't you think Jesus would have won? — Jon Stewart

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August 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, on Bush being on the verge of breaking Ronald Reagan's record number of vacation days:

People said that Reagan's 436 would stand forever, but right now this president stands on 423, meaning his record should fall less than two weeks from today. And they said it couldn't be done. And keep in mind, Reagan had a ranch in beautiful Santa Barbara. Bush has spent his time chasing the record in Crawford, Texas, which, by all objective accounts, is a genuine scorched shithole. And don't forget Bush is a war president. The 80s? If Bush had been president then, he might not have even come in at all. When the waters from Katrina began to rise, it would have been easy to rush back to Washington. This president stuck it out for two more vacation days. What do you call that? Dedication. Obviously, I wouldn't say 'actively' pursuing, but he's aware of it and looking forward to breaking the record and getting that congratulatory call from himself.

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August 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens' mail. Thank God that kind of thing can't happen today. — Jay Leno

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August 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Earlier today, Iraq's parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq during August, the likes of which hasn't been seen since June or July. — Conan O'Brien

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August 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know, people who follow the news. — Jay Leno

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August 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

For months now, Democrats have talked tough, vowing they would hold the Bush administration accountable for their egregious mishandling of what many in the media are calling "the world." Well, numerous feckless Senate hearings, one useless all-night filibuster and three non-binding resolutions later, the Democrats finally decided it's go time [on screen: Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) saying he will subpoena Karl Rove]. Karl Rove, the administration's turd-blossom has been called to account...The Democrats are going to feel really stupid though for doing that. You know why? Because compelling Mr. Rove to testify under an oath is completely unnecessary [on screen: WH spokesperson Tony Snow saying, "We have actually made Karl Rove available to that committee under conditions where he's going to tell the truth."] Under conditions where he's going to tell the truth? The room must be pitch black and festooned with lilies and beeswax candles. It must be a full moon, but not too full. His inquisitors must stand before him naked, holding a bowl of craisens, which are like raisins but with cranberries. And then, and only then, can the truth be heard. — Jon Stewart

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July 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush had that colonoscopy over the weekend. The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, "Hell, maybe we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden." — David Letterman

This weekend, President Bush was unconscious — even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby. — Stephen Colbert

The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve? — Jay Leno

For a couple of hours on Saturday morning Dick Cheney was the president. President Bush underwent a colonoscopy and while he was under anesthesia, his powers were officially transferred to the vice president. Did you feel it? Did you know he was the president? It might've not been obvious. There might've not been a thunder clap. You might not have seen, let's say, your neighbor's eyes bleeding. But you might've, I don't know, had a vague feeling as you were making your coffee on Saturday morning that you'd failed everyone who'd ever loved you. And you didn't know why you were feeling that. It was, perhaps, because with Dick Cheney as president, he had the power to turn good thoughts bad. — Jon Stewart

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July 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Bill O'Reilly recently exposed trendy airline JetBlue for sponsoring a convention of bloggers from the far left website DailyKos.com. Papa Bear is going after JetBlue sponsorship because DailyKos is such a vicious hate site. Just listen to some of the comments he found on it [on screen: O'Reilly reading, "The pope is a primate. Evangelicals are nutcases. Better luck next time after an assasination plot against Vice President Cheney in Afghanistan." O'Reilly, on DailyKos: "It's like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi Party."] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum. O'Reilly isn't the only one out there tackling the big issues that aren't Iraq. Luckily, there's also "Hannity and Colmes." I love this show. It's like watching Dorian Gray and his picture at the same time. Sean Hannity knows there is no greater threat to America today than Bill Clinton 15 years ago. — Stephen Colbert

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July 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush says we’ve turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we’ve turned? I think they call that running in circles. — Will Durst

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July 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

But even if the administration is suggesting that the current resurgence of al Qaeda in Pakistan and Iraq is proof that we were right to go into Iraq, how can they deny it was the removal of our troops from Afghanistan to go to Iraq that caused the chaos allowing al Qaeda to come back in the first place? [on screen: WH Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend saying the administration is not able to judge if al Qaeda has increased its numbers in Iraq from pre-war levels]. So that's how they can deny it? They can play retarded: how could we know how much al Qaeda was in Iraq before the invasion when we didn't know shit about Iraq when we went in? — Jon Stewart

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July 23, 2007

Diversity Humor & Fun

Wow.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Many people have criticized the Bush administration's strategy in the global war on terror. Their plan has always been to take the fight to al Qaeda and slowly, but surely destroy them. So, Mr. President, if you had to sum up your strategy? [on screen: Bush saying al Qaeda has been weakened]. Well, Tuesday saw the release of the latest war on terror progress report, a new National Intelligence Estimate on the terrorist threat to the homeland. It says al Qaeda has re-established its central organization, gained a safe haven in Pakistan, and rather than being hurt by the war in Iraq, has been instead "energized" by it and helped Osama bin Laden to recruit and raise funds. But most important about the NIE? It proves once and for all why we must stay in Iraq [on screen: Bush saying, "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September 11th"]. The same folks? First of all, what exactly do you have to do to people to lose your colloquial status as "folks"? — Jon Stewart

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July 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

John McCain isn't the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party's diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice. — Stephen Colbert

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July 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A lot of conservatives on radio and TV are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do — have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV? — Jay Leno

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July 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Republicans were saying, "Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq." And I'm thinking, "Well, hell, chaos would be an improvement." — David Letterman

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July 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are — Scooter Libby? — Jay Leno

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July 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Imagine my surprise when I come back to work and find out that the president of the United States commuted Scooter Libby's sentence. How little does the president care what you think about that? [on screen: Bush saying it was a "fair and balanced" decision]. He's literally just using Fox News' slogan now. Here's the thing about the phrase "fair and balanced" — the president means it just as much as Fox does. But obviously the top story while we were gone had to be the war in Iraq. As you know, we are now entering our fifth year of making very good progress in Iraq. Obviously, the president defining progress now as "moving forward through time." But this spring, Congress finally asked the president for some specifics about our progress and its level of goodness. They required him to submit regular reports, and our first report card is in [on screen: Bush saying the Iraqis have made progress on eight of 18 benchmarks]. Yes! There you have it — eight of 18. Otherwise known as a "Gentleman's F." — Jon Stewart

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July 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism — although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means. — Jimmy Kimmel

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July 16, 2007

How The News Works Humor & Fun  Iran  Iraq  Media

This is excellent.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Republican Senator and family values conservative — that's what he calls himself — Senator David Vitter of Louisiana admitted he was a client of the so called DC Madam in Washington...You gotta go on his website, he's like Mr. Religious, Mr. Family Values. Well now a second madam has come forward and told the Associated Press that he was also a customer at her brothel. This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker. And this madam says that Vitter was not only having sex with the prostitutes — this is unbelievable — he would also pay them to dress him up in a diaper. See, that's what you call a pampered politician. And she also said today in an interview that he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him because his wife didn't listen to him. Well, I bet she's all ears now. — Jay Leno

There's another one of those prostitution scandals down there in Washington, DC. Louisiana Senator David Vitter admitted that he's been visiting Washington area prostitutes. And I thought about this, "Whoa, wait a minute, a politician, paying for a hooker? I didn't see that coming." But good for Vitter, he said that it did not cost the taxpayers a cent. He pays for the hookers with his bribe money. — David Letterman

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July 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The price of milk is going up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. In fact, President Bush said today if the price of milk continues to rise, we may have to invade Wisconsin. — Jay Leno

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July 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe. — Jay Leno

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July 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country. — Jay Leno

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June 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people: Cheney and Bush. — Jay Leno

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June 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander."

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June 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: attorney Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, "My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face — and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?" Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything.

CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, "Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery," listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count. — Jon Stewart

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June 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, "In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens." — Conan O'Brien

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June 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party and has become an Independent. Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don't confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president. — Jay Leno

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June 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now. — Jay Leno

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June 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt. — Seth Meyers

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June 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Let's begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States' coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq's most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People's gayest member. — Jon Stewart

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June 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

One of the key battlegrounds in our gay culture war is actually key battlegrounds. I'm talking about gays in the military. The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy has thrown our armed forces into chaos in the middle of a war on terror. We cannot waiver on this issue, folks, and thank God none of the Republicans did in their recent presidential debate [on screen: none of the GOP candidates raise their hand when asked if gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly in the military]. I say their silence speaks volumes. Plus, they kind of had to keep it down because Mary Cheney's baby was sleeping in the next room. — Stephen Colbert

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June 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran. I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since, well, Al Gore. — David Letterman

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June 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Cheney is having an operation on his heart this week. Talk about microsurgery. — Jay Leno

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June 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This weekend, President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, "Look, a car!" — Conan O'Brien

To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as "the poor man's Kazakhstan." Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions. — Jon Stewart

A lot of people have asked, "Why the big response?" Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002...So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big. — Stephen Colbert

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June 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

How low were expectations for the G8 meeting? This New York Times headline declares it a breakthrough that the president agreed cutting greenhouse gases in half as something the U.S. will "seriously consider" by 2050. Of course, by then we'll all also have to take into account the votes of the Gill People. Obviously, they'll probably go with whoever offers them the most krill. — Jon Stewart

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June 15, 2007

Self-Referential Puzzle Humor & Fun

A doozy of a puzzle for your Friday afternoon pleasure.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Undaunted by the protesters, the G8 leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by "consensus," we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven. — Jon Stewart

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June 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide, Scooter Libby, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. However, the sentence could be cut short if Vice President Cheney needs a heart transplant. — Jay Leno

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June 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama. — David Letterman

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May 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating? — Jay Leno

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May 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The last time the Queen of England was in the United States was 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Back then, President Bush was fighting a war in Iraq. — David Letterman

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May 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, "Who does not believe in evolution?" And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. — Jay Leno

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May 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The other bombshell coming out this week is former CIA director George Tenet has a new book where he says there was no serious debate within the administration about going into Iraq. It will hit the stores on Monday, under the title "No Shit." — Bill Maher

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May 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This week, all the Republican candidates will be coming to California to debate each other at the Reagan Library. The winner will then be selected by Exxon-Mobil. — Jay Leno

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May 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. — David Letterman

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May 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush vetoed the Iraq troop withdrawal bill. He said it would turn the country into a cauldron of chaos. And you hate to see Iraq become unstable. — David Letterman

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May 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Four years ago Tuesday, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the "Mission Accomplished" banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us. — David Letterman

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May 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

"Congress has finally passed a bill that requires troops to start leaving Iraq. Bush has not had a challenge like this since Laura poured his Wild Turkey down the toilet. Bush is furious about it. He said, "We have come this far, this is no time to get rational." — Bill Maher

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April 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president. — Jay Leno

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April 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted? — Jay Leno

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April 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory. Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that. — Jay Leno

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April 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Reviews of Gonzales' performance were mixed. 99.99% of the people who saw it felt he embarrassed himself. The other .01% was this guy [on screen: Pres. Bush]. — Jon Stewart, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

It's so hard to follow. That is exactly why the president was so impressed. Legally, Gonzales had to appear before Congress, so his choice was either to expose the administration's political machinations, or appear to be a functioning pinhead. He went with pinhead. And if I may say — nailed it. — Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

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April 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Really, President Bush? You think the Gonzales testimony went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word "nappy," and he remembered to wear pants. — Amy Poehler

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April 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly. — Jon Stewart

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April 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Today on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore — he deleted everything. — Jay Leno

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April 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand. — Jay Leno

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April 19, 2007

War Czar Execution Manager Humor & Fun  Iraq





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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Bush administration on Wednesday extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, "I'm gay." — Amy Poehler

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April 18, 2007

Loan Wolf Humor & Fun  Iraq  Politics

A great Jon Stewart bit on Paul Wolfowitz:



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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The White House said today that they have lost the e-mails requested by congressional investigators, e-mails that may have dealt with the firing of those eight federal prosecutors. They lost them. Today the administration assured Americans that they are not corrupt, just incompetent. — Jay Leno

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April 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. — Kurt Vonnegut

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April 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The White House says it wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department. This person would be called "the president of the United States." — Conan O'Brien

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April 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Do you believe the weather around the country? It was snowing in Washington. It was so white, people thought the Republicans were back in charge. It was so cold in Georgia that Newt Gingrich had another affair just so he could stay warm. — Jay Leno

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April 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Republicans issued a statement today demanding that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi get back to work. President Bush would have made the statement himself, but he's still on vacation. — Jay Leno

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April 12, 2007

What Fun Culture  Humor & Fun

This website is a total gas. Go.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Some people still love President Bush. He also spoke this week at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bullshit. — Bill Maher

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April 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush said today that he has legal opinion on his side in the Alberto Gonzales case. President Bush can claim executive privilege according to his lawyer: Alberto Gonzales. — Jay Leno

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April 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time. — Conan O'Brien

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April 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Police in Connecticut arrested a man for speeding who identified himself as Vice President Dick Cheney. They took the guy to the hospital. Obviously, this guy has mental problems. I mean, these days, what sane person would try to pass themselves off as Dick Cheney? — Jay Leno

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April 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president got up at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in. — Bill Maher

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April 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Bush visited Walter Reed the other day. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras. — Bill Maher

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April 05, 2007

Dawkins v. Haggard Humor & Fun

Via a little video- and sound-editing magic, Richard Dawkins "debates" Ted Haggard:

(Via Pharyngula)

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife. — Jay Leno

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April 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Iran is currently holding 15 British sailors hostage. The United Nations has told Iran the world is united against them. So now the Iranians know how we feel. — Jay Leno

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April 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Sunday was April Fools' Day. Or, as they call it in Washington, Presidents' Day. — Jay Leno

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April 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by presidents when they don't want you to hear about something bad they did. Think about it. How often will a president say, "Oh my God, these memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term in office. Destroy them!" Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex to raising dogs for money in the White House bowling alley. — Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman

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March 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

You know those correspondents' dinners that they have in Washington? The media gets a chance for one night to put aside its cozy relationship with the government for one that is instead nauseatingly sycophantic. You'll recall from last year they don't like it much when the entertainment — what's the word I'm looking for — pisses on them. Anyway, they had another dinner last night and this time the entertainment was much more to their liking [on screen: Karl Rove rapping]. Let's say Jeffrey Dahmer came to your bar mitzvah, and it turned out that he was a great dancer. He's still Jeffrey Dahmer. I wonder if I could do something like that. Chuck, can you give me a beat? [music starts]. From the West Wing to the Crawford Ranch, Karl Rove has destroyed the executive branch. He has no scruples and I don't mean maybe. He said John McCain had a secret black baby. F**k that guy. — Jon Stewart

(Video here)

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March 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

During an appearance before the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, or MOOBLA, President Bush denounced setting a specific date for withdrawal [on screen: Bush saying, 'If the House bill becomes law, our enemies in Iraq will simply have to mark their calendars']. It's not quite that simple, Mr. President. Remember they're on the Islamic calendar. By contrast, the president is saying our commitment is more open-ended [on screen: Bush saying, 'Iraq's leaders know that our commitment is not open-ended']. So we can't set a deadline, but our commitment is not open-ended? Basically, what he's saying is we are definitely leaving Iraq sometime between now and — the end of time. Wait, not the end of time. I don't want to give a date. — Jon Stewart

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March 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorneys he fired for not playing politics. — Jay Leno

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March 28, 2007

At It Since Eisenhower Humor & Fun

LOL.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, "Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein." — Bill Maher

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March 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Commenting on the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq this week, President Bush said, "It can be tempting to look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude our best option is to pack up and go home." He then added, "But we need to stay crazy and not do that." — Amy Poehler

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March 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I love when they say this is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven't used the Constitution in years. — Jay Leno

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March 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

With the fired lawyers controversy here in the United States showing no signs of abating, President Bush gave an impromptu press conference in the White House's Diplomatic Reception Room. Presumably because the Petulant Tantrum Room was booked. — Jon Stewart

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March 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Democrats are trying to turn these firings of U.S. attorneys into a partisan issue, but the president is above bickering. In fact, he made a generous peace offering. Karl Rove and Harriet Miers would submit to private interviews, but "they would not take oaths nor would a transcript be made available." See, the president is just trying to save this country from another painful perjury trial. — Stephen Colbert

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March 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

After Congress subpoenaed presidential adviser Karl Rove, President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, "I'm all for him talking as long as he doesn't have to tell the truth." — Conan O'Brien

The White House is adamant that its advisers retain the right, if they so choose, to lie — without consequence. It's executive privilege. If Karl Rove knew he'd one day be forced to testify under oath about the advice he gave the president, he'd have to limit that advice to things that weren't shameful, illegal, or spectacularly bone-headed. — John Oliver

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March 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

There's another big controversy in Washington over whether or not the Justice Department fired eight United States attorneys for not being malleable enough to this administration. In January, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales addressed the issue [on screen: Gonzales saying, "I would never, ever make a change in the United States attorney position for political reasons"]. Never ever! No, wait. Not ever. Wait. What's the word for when you do something periodically? Sometimes. A flat out denial from Gonzales. You know, in the good old days, that would have been the end of the story. The Republican Congress would have said, "Huh? What? You didn't? Okay," and gone back to building bridges in Alaska to save Terry Schiavo from gay flag-burners. But now, the opposition party controls Congress and they can perform a very complicated legal maneuver known as "asking for things." — Jon Stewart

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March 21, 2007

"Captain Ahab In Charge Of Saving The Whales" Humor & Fun  Politics

Jon Stewart interviews John Bolton. Awesome.

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Paging Dr. Freud Humor & Fun  Politics

John McCain accidentally tells the truth, here.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This weekend was the fourth anniversary of the beginning of the Iraqi war. A lot of anti-war protests, and the Bush administration said they were surprised by the number of protests. And I was thinking, "You know what? I'm not surprised they were surprised." — David Letterman

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March 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law. — Amy Poehler

This just in: Alberto Gonzales has announced he's going to move the Justice Department to Dubai. — Jay Leno

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March 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales — the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA. — Jay Leno

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March 17, 2007

Photoshopping The Pols Humor & Fun

Amazing what some people can do with Photoshop.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy — when did Halliburton start paying taxes? — Jay Leno

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March 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Good news for the Bush administration. Just one week after the outrageous Walter Reed medical scandal, that story is gone. Because there's a new kid in town. His name is "Outrageous Fired Federal Prosecutors Attorney General Scandal." Yes, in one week, it's been revealed the administration screwed over wounded vets — the most revered people in America — and lawyers — the most reviled people in America — proving they've got range. — Jon Stewart

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March 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president is on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall. — Bill Maher

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March 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has admitted that he was having an extramarital affair back in 1998, at the same time he was the leading critic of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky. Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble — when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton. — Jay Leno

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March 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements — or, as the White House calls it, a press conference. The Republican base is furious. They are saying it is wrong to convict someone of perjury and obstruction of justice unless there is proof of an underlying blow job. — Bill Maher

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March 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This whole scandal came to light when Robert Novak became the first person to publish details outing the CIA operative. And it really would be a shame if amidst all the legal wrangling and the heated words about this case we lost sight of the one essential truth that I think all parties can agree on: Bob Novak is a HUGE douche bag. — Jon Stewart

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March 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Yesterday, I. Lewis Libby, a.k.a. "The Scooter," the vice president's chief of staff, was found guilty on four of five counts ranging from obstruction of justice to lying to a grand jury. Yes, we got the guy — the one-man cancer on this White House has been removed. Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days. — Jon Stewart

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March 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Funny story about Cheney's trip. An electrical glitch grounded his usual plane, Air Force II, forcing him to fly on a C-17 dubbed — and I'm not kidding — "The Spirit of Strom Thurmond." As you know, "The Spirit of Strom Thurmond" is a white plane, but guess which hanger it likes to park in when no one's watching? [on screen: a black hanger]. — Jon Stewart



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March 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is "the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history." The White House said, "You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office." — Conan O'Brien

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March 06, 2007

Don't Mess With Texas Humor & Fun

Too funny.

[Thanks, Clay]

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word — "intelligence." When he heard this, President Bush said, "Intelligence? That's two words." — Conan O'Brien

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March 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words "George Bush" next to the phrase "ex-president." — Conan O'Brien

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March 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain — right here on this program — announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab. — David Letterman

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March 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

For those of you in Washington, you may have noticed a subtle difference this week in DC: the air — a little crisper; food — a little more tasty; homeless people — weren't being discovered drained of blood. It could only mean one thing: Vice President Dick Cheney was out of town. The vice president was on a week-long world tour. — Jon Stewart

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March 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. At one point Tuesday, the market was down over 500 points. The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge. — Jay Leno

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February 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme — money and envy. — Jay Leno

I was listening to the news in the back. This just in: President Bush just promised we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010. — David Letterman

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February 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

It's Oscar weekend. Among the Best Picture nominees is "Letters from Iwo Jima," which is a gut-wrenching tragedy about an army sent to die in a hopeless cause by a fanatical government. Or, as George Bush calls it, "the feel-good comedy of the year." — Bill Maher

You all ready for the Oscars? Al Gore is expected to win for his documentary on global warming. I hope he includes President Bush in the acceptance speech. I mean, without President Bush, we probably wouldn't have a lot of this global warming. — Jay Leno

Sunday are the Academy Awards. How about Al Gore? That movie, "An Inconvenient Truth," has been nominated for two Academy Awards. It's all about the environment. I can't think of anything better for the environment than an event which features 2,000 stretch limos. — David Letterman

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February 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Q. Why are there no Republicans on Star Trek? A. Because it's set in the future. — Will Durst

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February 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A guy was kicked off a flight for wearing an anti-Bush t-shirt. When he refused to take off the shirt or change the shirt, they kicked him off the plane. Here's the scary thing: it turns out he was the pilot for Air Force One. — Jay Leno

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February 24, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I know you're saying to yourselves where is Vice President Dick Cheney. Right now he's in Tokyo, taking part in a pep rally for United States troops. Because when you think Dick Cheney, you think pep. — David Letterman

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February 23, 2007

Friday Fun Humor & Fun

Stunning Trompe l'oeil pavement art.

[Via AmericaBlog]

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Yesterday, the British government announced they're going to begin pulling their troops out of Iraq. Of course, it could take them a while because they're flying home on JetBlue. Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian. — Conan O'Brien

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February 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day Monday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way — by ignoring the other two branches of government. — Jay Leno

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February 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

With about 70 candidates running for President it seems George Bush has convinced the country that pretty much anybody can do the job. — Will Durst

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February 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

New White House pastry chef William Yosses is author of "Desserts for Dummies." So apparently, he's qualified. — Will Durst

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February 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president's approval is at an all-time low. Say what you want about the guy, but he didn't become president to make friends. He became president because the White House had a bowling alley in the basement. — Jimmy Kimmel

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February 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play." — Comedy Central

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February 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In an interview with "Fox News Sunday," Vice President Dick Cheney commented on Congress' efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, "You cannot run a war by committee." You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts. — Seth Meyers

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February 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court. — Jay Leno

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February 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it. — Conan O'Brien

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February 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

You all watch the Grammys? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once. — Jay Leno

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February 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney. He turned 66 recently. Isn't his annual autopsy coming up soon? — Jay Leno

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February 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey. — Jay Leno

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February 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Barack Obama now trying to quit smoking. He's now chewing nicotine gum. Today on the news, they showed him chewing the gum while walking. To which President Bush said, "Show off." — Jay Leno

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February 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In Omaha, Nebraska, they are opening what they call "America's first terror-free gas station." The good news? They will only sell petroleum products from countries that like us. The bad news? They only have eight gallons. — Jay Leno

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February 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida does not vote on this one. — Jay Leno

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February 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Congress began hearings this week on the government response to Katrina. See, I'm confused. Was there a government response to Katrina? — Jay Leno

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February 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

We are at that weird stage in this administration, where half the White House staff is on C-SPAN and the other half is on Court TV. — Jay Leno

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February 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Critics of Venezuela say they now have a radical lurch towards a dictatorship by a leader with unchecked power. They told President Bush about this. He said, "What? Cheney's in Venezuela?" — Jay Leno

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February 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This weekend, the President of the United States went on National Public Radio to explain that he knows Cheney. Cheney is not delusional, just optimistic [on screen: Bush saying Cheney reflects a 'half-glass-full' mentality]. How twisted is your administration when this guy is your Pollyanna? — Jon Stewart

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February 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty. As opposed to Republicans, who live in a mansion and talk about a tax cut. — Jay Leno

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February 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The perjury trial of I. Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is underway in Washington. This case dates back to 2003 and the State of the Union address. So, perhaps a quick refresher would be appropriate. Once upon a time, there was a very bad man [on screen: Saddam Hussein] who was doing a very bad thing [on screen: Pres. Bush saying he learned from the British gov't that Hussein sought large quantities of uranium from Africa]. Slam dunk. Amazing story. How did the president know? Because the British told him — but the British weren't so sure. So, we really wanted to kill this guy, but you can't just go around killing people just because you think they have weapons of mass destruction. You'd look idiotic. — Jon Stewart

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January 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Vice President Cheney lashed out at Hillary Clinton the other day. He said on CNN that he doesn't believe Hillary would be a good president. I can understand that. I mean, his administration has raised the bar so high. — Jay Leno

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January 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message. — Jay Leno

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January 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans — the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls. — Jay Leno

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January 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named "Checkers." Bush plays checkers with his dog. — David Letterman

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January 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of "leaders in Congress from both political parties"]. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress. — Jon Stewart

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January 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

31 million people watched the president — many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance. — Jimmy Kimmel

Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance. — Jon Stewart

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January 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush addressed the nation the other night. He talked about how we can save energy, how we can still win the war in Iraq, and then gave a beautiful rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings." Randy and Paula were in tears. — Jimmy Kimmel

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January 24, 2007

Alternatives Humor & Fun  Politics

Shorter SOTU: cartoon version.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

How will the president describe the state of our union? Well, over the past six tumultuous years, he has always managed to find just the right word to encapsulate the complexities of our times [on screen: Bush using varieties of 'strong']. Strongly, we will use strength to bestrongen our strongness, for strongaliciousness is strongtastic...That's what you get for relying exclusively on Roget's Monosaurus. — Jon Stewart

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January 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

During an interview with "60 Minutes" last week, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, "We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude." Said the Iraqi people, "We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up." — Amy Poehler

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January 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush is calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think there are 21,000 people in the country who think it's a good idea. — Jay Leno

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January 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In his "60 Minutes" interview, Bush said popularity is not his goal. Well, I thought, mission accomplished. — David Letterman

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January 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, "Uh, you first." — Jay Leno

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January 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president's advisers launched a PR offensive to assure the public that just because our new way forward meant returning troops levels to where they were in December of 2005, this plan had a twist [on screen: NSA Stephen Hadley saying the strategy 'will succeed rather than fail']. Hmmm. Succeed rather than fail? Sounds counterintuitive. Okay, I'll indulge you. You have a plan. Well, have you thought about looking at that plan in the most emotionally loaded way possible? [on screen: WH press sec. Tony Snow saying, 'I'll ask a simple question. If the U.S. withdraws, does it make Osama bin Laden happy or sad?']. And if bin Laden was happy, would he know it? And if bin Laden knew it, would he clap his hands? Would his face surely show it? These are the questions we would have asked bin Laden — if we had caught him. — Jon Stewart

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January 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno

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January 17, 2007

Cakewalk Humor & Fun  Iran  Iraq

Tom Tomorrow, from April Fool's Day, 2003.

[Via Atrios]

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran. — David Letterman

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January 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief. — David Letterman

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January 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore. — Jay Leno

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January 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution. And I was thinking: you think he'd being doing this if he were still in the National Guard? — David Letterman

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January 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again. — Jay Leno

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January 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Earlier tonight, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq. And President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off that old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — David Letterman

I hope you caught the president's speech tonight. I'm still glowing. Watching him address the nation is like hanging out with your best bud. You're on the couch. He's giving a speech. You're drinking a beer. He's increasing troop levels in Iraq. Of course, I was a little disappointed the president didn't go with my recommendation of 300 million troops. That's a mistake. But you know what? If that's the only mistake he makes in this war, then we are in good shape. — Stephen Colbert

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January 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq "The New Way Forward." Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called "Winging It." — Jay Leno

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January 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice. — David Letterman

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January 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

We have a new person in the mail room opening mail, President Bush. The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. Hey, how about those memos on your desk? — Jay Leno

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January 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes. — Jay Leno

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January 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the Prime Minister of Iraq says not only will he not seek a second term in office, he wishes he could quit early. He says he has other interests he'd like to pursue — like trying to stay alive. — Jay Leno

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January 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister. — Conan O'Brien

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January 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani's entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida. — Jay Leno

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January 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

They executed Saddam Hussein. I guess that means that whole Iraqi thing is over. We can all go home now. — David Letterman

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January 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of President Bush from his National Guard days]. — Jon Stewart

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January 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The good part of crossing the threshold of a new year is you get to start over. The bad part is you have to do it from where you are now. — Will Durst

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January 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000. — Jay Leno

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December 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?" — Conan O'Brien

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December 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Big changes in Washington. Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, "Uh oh." — Conan O'Brien

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December 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I'm thinking if George Bush got a lump of coal for Xmas, Santa is sloughing off in his old age. Of course, you never hear of Santa giving a good pistol whipping as a present. — Will Durst

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December 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him. — Bill Maher

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December 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Now President Bush wants to send MORE troops to Iraq. This guy refuses to listen to anybody. The Iraqi people, the American people, his own intelligence Estimates, bi-partisan Study Groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog. — Will Durst

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December 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land. — Conan O'Brien

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December 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot. — David Letterman

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December 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Earlier today, the Christmas tree in front of the White House fell over. Even after the tree collapsed, President Bush insisted that the tree was doing a heckuva job. — Conan O'Brien

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December 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This California company that was contracted to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen. — Jay Leno

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December 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. — Jay Leno

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December 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it. — Jay Leno

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December 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Republicans used their last days in power to pass last-minute tax cuts, expand oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, clear GOP leadership of wrongdoing in the Mark Foley scandal, and pardon Hitler. — Jon Stewart

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December 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush today completed what he called "a listening tour." He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon — all the people he should have met with before the war. — Jimmy Kimmel

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December 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This week a top general at the Pentagon said the War on Terror could take a 100 years to fight. President Bush was furious about the 100-year prediction and said, "Stop setting a fixed timetable." — Conan O'Brien

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December 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush actually said today he will not be rushed into a decision about Iraq. I guess one time is enough for him. — Jay Leno

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December 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This is an anniversary. Do you know what happened on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. And isn't it nice that since we've captured Saddam Hussein, we haven't had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons? Everything's so much better now. — David Letterman

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December 15, 2006

Flyover Statement Humor & Fun  Iraq

The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, who brought us Tough Day, Great Opportunity, one of TDS's best bits ever, is back with another good one. It's not on YouTube yet, but you can watch it here. Check it out.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought — unlike getting us into Iraq. — David Letterman

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December 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The White House said today President Bush is expected to make his Iraq strategy public, but not until after the holidays. What's the rush? Take a break. — Jay Leno

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December 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush has received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, "Don't tell me how it ends." They said, "Uh, it doesn't." — Jay Leno

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December 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall. — Amy Poehler

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December 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. presidents. — Conan O'Brien

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December 10, 2006

Manifestoon Humor & Fun  Politics

The words of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, illustrated by clips from Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Interesting and subversive.

It's remarkable that the words were written more than a century and a half ago. Some archaic terminology aside, a lot of it's pretty descriptive of events today. Check it out.

[Via Stan Goff]

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it. — Jay Leno

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December 09, 2006

Dick Cheney, That's Funny Humor & Fun

Letterman inaugurates a new segment:

(Via Minor-Ripper)

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

It is in book form and entitled, "The Way Forward — A New Approach," a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, "Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug." — Jon Stewart, on the Iraq Study Group report

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December 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Vice President Dick Cheney has a gay daughter, Mary. Well, she's pregnant. Wow, that's going to be a shotgun wedding. — Jay Leno

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December 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Today was the first and only day of confirmation hearings for Rumsfeld's replacement Robert Gates. The committee immediately confirmed the guy. They really only had one question: "Are you now or have you ever been Donald Rumsfeld?" He said, "No." He showed them his driver's license and utility bill, and boom, they confirmed him. — Stephen Colbert

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December 06, 2006

How I'm Feeling Humor & Fun




[Thanks, Dave]

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Wednesday that it is time to face reality and recognize that Iraq is in a state of civil war. Powell made the statement after growing what are known as "retirement balls." — Amy Poehler

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December 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The White House does not yet believe Iraq is in a civil war, though they did concede that the conflict has entered a new phase. And it rhymes with "muster bluck." — Amy Poehler

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December 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war...President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time-Life books. — David Letterman

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December 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term explosion-filled misunderstanding. — Conan O'Brien

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December 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House: more dead wood. — David Letterman

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December 01, 2006

Kansas Outlaws Evolution Humor & Fun

TGIF. The Onion:

In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life.

"From now on, the streets, forests, plains, and rivers of Kansas will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to procreate without deviating from God's intended design," said Bob Bethell, a member of the state House of Representatives. "This is about protecting the integrity of all creation."

The sweeping new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from being born with random genetic mutations that could make them better suited to evade predators, secure a mate, or, adapt to a changing environment. In addition, it bars any sexual reproduction, battles for survival, or instances of pure happenstance that might lead, after several generations, to a more well-adapted species or subspecies. [Emphasis added]

Yes, it's a joke. Just barely.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together! — Jay Leno

Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia. — Jon Stewart

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November 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential library, not just a library, it will also contain a think tank — because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking. — David Letterman

President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books. They're popouts. Conan O'Brien

President Bush is preparing to build his presidential library. Bush's is expected to cost $500 million. That's more than three times the cost of the Clinton library, and more than all the other libraries combined, which makes you wonder, how many Garfield books can there be? — Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best. — Jimmy Kimmel

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November 29, 2006

Parting Shot Humor & Fun  Politics

Source

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war it's Henry Kissinger. — Jay Leno

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November 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Every year, President Bush gets to pardon one turkey, and this year it was Donald Rumsfeld. — David Letterman

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November 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House? — Jay Leno

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November 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page. — Bill Maher

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November 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A new poll finds that 60 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is a worse president than his father. However, President Bush's advisers cheered him up by telling him he's the second best George Bush who's ever been president. — Conan O'Brien

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November 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him. — Amy Poehler

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November 22, 2006

Hortatory Talk Humor & Fun  Iraq

General Shinseki and the Iraq war's only instance of 20/20 foresight. Jon Stewart:

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will pardon the turkey. And today, Dick Cheney spent all day torturing it. — David Letterman

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November 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq met with leaders in Vietnam. Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam. — Conan O'Brien

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November 20, 2006

Jon Stewart Nails Glenn Beck Humor & Fun

Glenn Beck is such an idiot. Jon Stewart:

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position, I kid you not, in the Senate will be Minority Whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice. — Jon Stewart

Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him Minority Whip. That is great for Trent. They say Minority Whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. — Stephen Colbert

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November 19, 2006

Sermon For Today Humor & Fun

This being Sunday and all.

When I was a child, I used to pray to God for a bicycle. But then I realized that God doesn't work in that way — so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. — Emo Phillips

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The War On Christmas Humor & Fun

It seems to come earlier every year.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A judge in Massachusetts has ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich. Which makes me wonder, have we found bin Laden yet? — David Letterman

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November 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps. — Jay Leno

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November 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Last week, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter. — Jay Leno

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November 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he is unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, That's ridiculous. The president is just as unpopular overseas. — Conan O'Brien

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November 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it. — David Letterman

This week President Bush is flying to Asia to meet with leaders of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. Or, as President Bush calls them, China. — Conan O'Brien

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November 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

On election night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S. — Amy Poehler

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November 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

You got to give Rumsfeld credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy. — Jay Leno

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November 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family. — Jay Leno

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November 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands [on screen: a 1983 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein]. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment — irrelevance. — Jon Stewart

Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years. — Jay Leno

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November 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, "I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively — and then I waited three years." — Conan O'Brien

Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?. — Jay Leno

Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector. — David Letterman

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November 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The other day in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire. — Conan O'Brien

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November 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4 — lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after the election, they'll be able to find jobs. — Jay Leno

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November 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This is a good rule for life: Look for whoever is the most against anything and you can almost guarantee they are that something they are against. The guy who devotes his life to fighting gay rights is gay. The guy working to pass the laws against child pornography is sending sex messages to teenage interns. — Jimmy Kimmel

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November 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsements from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe. — David Letterman

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November 05, 2006

Ted Haggard Humor & Fun

Billmon:

You know you're in a pretty tight spot when you're a fundamentalist preacher with a high political profile and your defense is: "I only bought crystal meth from that gay hooker."

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed. — Jay Leno

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November 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In Maryland, the National Black Association created a controversy for running this radio ad [on screen: Announcer saying, "Democrats passed those black codes and Jim Crow laws. Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan. White hoods and sheets? Republicans freed us from slavery and put our right to vote in the Constitution."]. Great ad. It reminds us what this election is really about — the 1870s. — Stephen Colbert

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November 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that — Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore. — Jay Leno

I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us. — Jimmy Kimmel

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November 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the "Mission Accomplished" sign three years ago. — Jay Leno

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November 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder of exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses. — Conan O'Brien

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October 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys! — Amy Poehler

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October 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico...That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change. — David Letterman

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October 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger. — Jimmy Kimmel

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October 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Bush is getting rid of the phrase, "stay the course." That was his phrase for the entire war. Maybe the phrase should have been, "Find bin Laden." Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, "Stay under the desk?" — David Letterman

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October 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The election is two weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for. — Bill Maher

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October 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

They were talking to President Bush about what he likes to do in his spare time. He said what he likes to do is get on the Internet and he Googles. He likes to look at satellite photos of his ranch. Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden? — David Letterman

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October 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

It seems a lot of things about Republicans happen to be coming out now, only after they've done them. — Jon Stewart

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October 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [On screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years? — Jimmy Kimmel

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October 23, 2006

Perspective 9/11, "War On Terror"  Humor & Fun  Politics

Doonesbury (via Bruce Schneier) explains faulty risk assessment and the politics of fear:

First cartoon
Second
Third
Fourth
Fifth
Sixth
Seventh

A voice of reason.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A consumer watch group has released its annual list of the most dangerous Halloween costumes. Apparently, the most dangerous thing for kids to wear this year is a congressional page blazer. — Conan O'Brien

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October 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Do you believe how self-destructive this Congress has become? This upcoming election is not an election, it's an intervention. — Jay Leno

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October 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush now says there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. Of course, the big difference is, his dad could get him out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno

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October 20, 2006

Growth Industry Humor & Fun

Election outcome experts.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president had a press conference this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, "Like having no plan ever stopped me before." He has something even more deadly in store for them — we're going to bring them democracy. — Bill Maher

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October 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The American President. Throughout history, there have been many of them. Every four years, roughly 50% of roughly 40% of Americans elevate a fellow citizen to this highest post in the land. These men — and you better believe they're men — evoke many feelings. Pride, respect, loyalty. Uh, the opposite of those things. — Jon Stewart

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October 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses — this is true — most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia. — Jon Stewart

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October 17, 2006

Stick A Yellow Ribbon Up Your SUV Humor & Fun

The Asylum Street Spankers offer their opinion about yellow ribbons on SUVs.

[Thanks, Paul]

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In a press conference this morning, President Bush said that he has no intentions of attacking North Korea. Then Bush said, "However, I can't speak for Donald Rumsfeld." — Conan O'Brien

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October 16, 2006

W Humor & Fun  Iraq  Politics

The leader of the free world. It's so embarrassing:

And as for cuttin' and runnin'...

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush said today the U.S. will not attack North Korea. Oh sure, but we may liberate them. — Jay Leno

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October 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush. — Jay Leno

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October 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046. — Amy Poehler

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October 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush said he will not attack North Korea. Well, of course not. They actually have weapons of mass destruction. — David Letterman

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October 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A very scary situation in North Korea, but let's move on to the good news. As of Monday, North Korea has one less bomb. — Jon Stewart

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October 11, 2006

Crisis In Our Nation's Pants Humor & Fun  Politics

Jon Stewart on the Foley mess. Excellent, as always.

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Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too. — Jay Leno

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October 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt. — Jay Leno

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October 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

And House Speaker Dennis Hastert is under fire because he claims if he was told about Foley's sex scandal a few years ago, he doesn't remember it. Really? How bad is the rest of the Republicans' behavior if news of one having cybersex with teenage boys isn't that memorable? — Jay Leno

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October 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Earlier in the week, Foley checked himself into rehab. But according to the New York Times, many people question his alcoholism claim. That's when you know things are bad in Washington: when a congressman can't even be trusted to be a drunk. — Jay Leno

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October 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Remember the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor? — Jay Leno

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October 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Congressmen are now on their five-week break. Did you know they were off? No, you don't even know when they're working. Anyway, they have five weeks to campaign for their upcoming elections. You know, they're traveling around the country talking about the most dangerous threats to our country — flag-burning and gay marriage. — Jay Leno

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October 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

We're covering a story about a certain congressman. Let's call him. Representative Mark Foley, Republican of Florida. He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself. — Jon Stewart

But in fairness to the Republicans, let me just throw this out — who invented the Internet? That's right — Al Gore, a Democrat. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. Run with it Fox News. — Jimmy Kimmel

(Foley's) in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks — drunk dialing. It's just that in Foley's case, it was drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation. It's simple. You drink, you forget things — especially things that could endanger minors. And I know people are wondering why Condoleezza Rice can't remember a July 2001 meeting with George Tenet where he warned her an al Qaeda attack was likely, even though White House records prove the meeting happened. She probably just blacked out. She was playing a drinking game. Every time you hear George Tenet say "imminent," you take a shot. — Stephen Colbert

This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday...Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile. — Jay Leno

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October 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

On Friday, Republican Congressman Mark Foley of Florida stepped down because, well, he's in big trouble. If you were watching Fox News, you might have missed this story — they're still rerunning that Clinton video. — Stephen Colbert

Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit e-mails to underage boys. What is it with congressmen? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass. — Jay Leno

How 'bout that Florida Congressman Mark Foley? At least the Democrats waited until the interns were 18. — David Letterman

The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action. One lawmaker, the co-founder of the congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, was particularly outraged [on screen: Foley saying, "They're sick people. They need mental health counseling. They certainly don't need to be interacting with children."] That was Mark Foley from 2002, reacting to himself three years later. — Jon Stewart

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October 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time. — Jay Leno

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October 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

A report leaked to the New York Times insinuates that the Iraq war has actually helped spread the Jihadist movement. President Bush none too pleased about the report. [on screen: Bush calling the assumption that going to Iraq was a mistake, naive]. Wow, going to Iraq being a mistake is naive? How naive? This kind of naive? [on screen: VP Dick Cheney saying, "I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators."] That kind of naive?. — Jon Stewart

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October 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Did you see this Clinton thing on Fox? [on screen: Bill Clinton's interview with Chris Wallace on 'Fox News Sunday']. Wow, talk about an overreaction. Chris Wallace just asked him a perfectly legitimate question [on screen: Depends On What Definition of 'Legitimate' Is]. He just basically asked, why did you let those 3,000 people in the World Trade Center die? And Clinton freaks out [on screen: Burst His Bubba]. Clinton even had the nerve to question why Wallace never asked the Bush administration the same thing. Well, there's an excellent reason [on screen: You Don't Criticize Your Boss]. — Stephen Colbert

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September 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The president of Afghanistan says over the past year, democracy has suffered a setback in his country. On the bright side, at least now he and President Bush have something in common. — Jay Leno

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September 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

After three long years, our efforts in Iraq have been successful in fostering a new generation of people who hate us. A new National Intelligence Estimate report recently leaked to the New York Times says the war in Iraq has made the overall terrorism problem worse, and has spread Islamic radicalism further than before. Now that sounds bad, but remember, this is from a U.S. intelligence report. Take it with a grain of salt. — Jon Stewart

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September 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The U.N. says that there is more torture going on in Iraq than when Saddam was in power. Bush shot back. He said, "That is just the opinion of one individual who doesn't know the difference between regular torture and freedom torture." — Bill Maher

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September 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Venezuelan President went to the U.N. and called Bush the devil. You could tell Bush was offended, because his tail stopped wagging. Bush said, "I would love to answer your ridiculous charge that I'm the devil, but I'm a little too busy this week trying to unite my party behind torturing people." — Bill Maher

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September 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th. — Jay Leno

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September 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

On "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson is gone. He got the least number of votes. A Republican stopped by a lack of votes — when does that ever happen? — Jay Leno

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September 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In his speech, Bush said the United Nations is in danger of losing its credibility. And believe me, when it comes to international affairs, President Bush is an expert on losing credibility. — Jay Leno

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September 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Did you know that in midterm elections you don't even get to vote for the president [on screen: Unless Using Diebold Machine]. Remember, you Republicans are the party of Jesus [on screen: And Will Be Crucified on 11/7]. It may look like you die, but in 2008, you will rise again just like the Lord [on screen: Lord Voldemort]. — Stephen Colbert

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September 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, "This time, Rumsfeld and I are just going to wing it." — Conan O'Brien

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September 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay. — Jay Leno

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September 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Picture your family dead. Just for a second. Are you picturing it? Now go vote. — Jon Stewart, summarizing President Bush's interview with NBC's Matt Lauer

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September 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Last night in his speech to the nation, President Bush called for unity among all Americans unless, of course, you're gay, a Democrat or live in a blue state. — Jay Leno

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September 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

On this day in 1993 Israeli and Palestinian leaders met on the White House lawn and signed the peace accord. Glad they settled that! — David Letterman

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September 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

In his speech to the nation this week, Bush said that we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent — and anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor. — Jay Leno

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September 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The Senate Intelligence Committee — that almost sounds like an oxymoron — released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy. — Jay Leno

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September 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

You are joining us on September 12th, which as you know, is the fifth anniversary of the misappropriation of the events of September 11th. — Jon Stewart

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September 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

[Monday was] a very solemn day — the fifth anniversary of 9/11. It's a time for the nation to reflect, come together and watch TV. What better way to commemorate a national tragedy than turning it into a mini-series? It's called "The Path to 9/11." I watched it last night. It's very educational. I know, because I yawned out loud. As ABC's epic disclaimer explains, it's based on the 9/11 commission report and some other stuff [on screen: Mad Libs]. — Stephen Colbert

The big controversy, of course, is the 9/11 mini-series because people are upset that it's not accurate. Because as you know, nothing is typically more accurate than the made-for-television movie. Why shouldn't 9/11 get the same respect that the Amy Fisher story gets? I mean, these are network executives making decisions about these films. Be thankful the Condoleezza Rice character is still black. — Jon Stewart

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September 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their "Path to 9/11" docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's "Rockin' 9/11 Countdown."

The controversial one is this ABC one, "The Path to 9/11." The original title was "Sheiks on a Plane." This is controversial because apparently it's very heavily slanted and it blames 9/11 on Bill Clinton. It makes Bush out to be a saint, which is kind of ridiculous because if Bush is gonna be on any ABC program, it should be "Lost." — Bill Maher

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September 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had surgery on his shoulder yesterday. Apparently, he wrenched it while trying to pull his foot out of his mouth. — Jay Leno

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September 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

After two months of controversy following the Mexican election, the electoral court declared Felipe Calderon as the president of Mexico. Imagine that — a court having to decide a presidential election. What a backward country that is. — Jay Leno

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September 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, "The key for me is to keep expectations low." I think you can accurately say, "Mission Accomplished." — Jay Leno

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September 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government. — Jay Leno

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September 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk. — Bill Maher

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September 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Ernesto — you've heard about this storm? Gathering speed, heading up the East Coast. They said Washington might be hit. That's when you know the federal government has its head up it's ass when the hurricanes have to come to you. Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the "Mission Accomplished" banner. — Bill Maher

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September 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack — and will continue to be right up until Election Day. — Jay Leno

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September 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

There is finally a happy story in the Middle East. In the Gaza strip, Palestinian militants released those two Fox News journalists. They were released unharmed. The Palestinians said they just couldn't take any more of the pro-Bush stories. — Jay Leno

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September 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos." — Conan O'Brien

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September 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence. — Jay Leno

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September 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Let me explain something to you about the algebra, if you will, of cable news: Three-year war in Iraq is less than 30-day-old bombing of Lebanon, which is less than explosive Gatorade on a plane, all of which is chickens**t compared to a break in a 10-year-old murder case. — Jon Stewart

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August 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it. — Conan O'Brien

President Bush. You know where he is? He's in New Orleans right now to mark the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Now if we could just get FEMA down there. — David Letterman

Today, of course, the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans. FEMA officials said it seems like just yesterday when they first arrived in New Orleans. And then they realized, "Oh, it was just yesterday." — Jay Leno

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August 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, "Home of Cindy Sheehan." — Jay Leno

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August 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under "job comma heckuva." — Jon Stewart

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August 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

The White House announced that President Bush took three books with him on his ten-day vacation to his ranch in Texas. Three books. Now before you get impressed by all that, it's the same three books he took last year. He's still waiting to see if the little engine makes it over the mountain. — Jay Leno

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August 27, 2006

Today's Lieberman Joke Humor & Fun

A lot of folks are big fans of the planets. Pluto now has lost its status as a planet. But it says it will run as an independent. — David Letterman

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August 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

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August 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep, and that's why we're in Iraq. — David Letterman

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August 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor & Fun

When it comes to the war in Iraq, no one is more optimistic than our President Bush. In fact, no one is optimistic other than President Bush. — Jon Stewart

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August 23, 2006

One-Handed Rubik's Humor & Fun

CalTech student sets the world record for solving a 3x3 Rubik's Cube — one-handed: