February 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Yesterday, the British government announced they're going to begin pulling their troops out of Iraq. Of course, it could take them a while because they're flying home on JetBlue. Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day Monday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way — by ignoring the other two branches of government. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

With about 70 candidates running for President it seems George Bush has convinced the country that pretty much anybody can do the job. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

New White House pastry chef William Yosses is author of "Desserts for Dummies." So apparently, he's qualified. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president's approval is at an all-time low. Say what you want about the guy, but he didn't become president to make friends. He became president because the White House had a bowling alley in the basement. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 01:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play." — Comedy Central

Posted by Jonathan at 03:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview with "Fox News Sunday," Vice President Dick Cheney commented on Congress' efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, "You cannot run a war by committee." You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts. — Seth Meyers

Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You all watch the Grammys? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney. He turned 66 recently. Isn't his annual autopsy coming up soon? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Barack Obama now trying to quit smoking. He's now chewing nicotine gum. Today on the news, they showed him chewing the gum while walking. To which President Bush said, "Show off." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Omaha, Nebraska, they are opening what they call "America's first terror-free gas station." The good news? They will only sell petroleum products from countries that like us. The bad news? They only have eight gallons. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida does not vote on this one. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congress began hearings this week on the government response to Katrina. See, I'm confused. Was there a government response to Katrina? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We are at that weird stage in this administration, where half the White House staff is on C-SPAN and the other half is on Court TV. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Critics of Venezuela say they now have a radical lurch towards a dictatorship by a leader with unchecked power. They told President Bush about this. He said, "What? Cheney's in Venezuela?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This weekend, the President of the United States went on National Public Radio to explain that he knows Cheney. Cheney is not delusional, just optimistic [on screen: Bush saying Cheney reflects a 'half-glass-full' mentality]. How twisted is your administration when this guy is your Pollyanna? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty. As opposed to Republicans, who live in a mansion and talk about a tax cut. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The perjury trial of I. Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is underway in Washington. This case dates back to 2003 and the State of the Union address. So, perhaps a quick refresher would be appropriate. Once upon a time, there was a very bad man [on screen: Saddam Hussein] who was doing a very bad thing [on screen: Pres. Bush saying he learned from the British gov't that Hussein sought large quantities of uranium from Africa]. Slam dunk. Amazing story. How did the president know? Because the British told him — but the British weren't so sure. So, we really wanted to kill this guy, but you can't just go around killing people just because you think they have weapons of mass destruction. You'd look idiotic. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Cheney lashed out at Hillary Clinton the other day. He said on CNN that he doesn't believe Hillary would be a good president. I can understand that. I mean, his administration has raised the bar so high. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans — the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named "Checkers." Bush plays checkers with his dog. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 05:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of "leaders in Congress from both political parties"]. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

31 million people watched the president — many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance. — Jimmy Kimmel

Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this

January 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush addressed the nation the other night. He talked about how we can save energy, how we can still win the war in Iraq, and then gave a beautiful rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings." Randy and Paula were in tears. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 24, 2007

Alternatives Humor  Politics

Shorter SOTU: cartoon version.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

How will the president describe the state of our union? Well, over the past six tumultuous years, he has always managed to find just the right word to encapsulate the complexities of our times [on screen: Bush using varieties of 'strong']. Strongly, we will use strength to bestrongen our strongness, for strongaliciousness is strongtastic...That's what you get for relying exclusively on Roget's Monosaurus. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

During an interview with "60 Minutes" last week, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, "We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude." Said the Iraqi people, "We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think there are 21,000 people in the country who think it's a good idea. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his "60 Minutes" interview, Bush said popularity is not his goal. Well, I thought, mission accomplished. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, "Uh, you first." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president's advisers launched a PR offensive to assure the public that just because our new way forward meant returning troops levels to where they were in December of 2005, this plan had a twist [on screen: NSA Stephen Hadley saying the strategy 'will succeed rather than fail']. Hmmm. Succeed rather than fail? Sounds counterintuitive. Okay, I'll indulge you. You have a plan. Well, have you thought about looking at that plan in the most emotionally loaded way possible? [on screen: WH press sec. Tony Snow saying, 'I'll ask a simple question. If the U.S. withdraws, does it make Osama bin Laden happy or sad?']. And if bin Laden was happy, would he know it? And if bin Laden knew it, would he clap his hands? Would his face surely show it? These are the questions we would have asked bin Laden — if we had caught him. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 17, 2007

Cakewalk Humor  Iran  Iraq

Tom Tomorrow, from April Fool's Day, 2003.

[Via Atrios]

Posted by Jonathan at 09:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:12 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this

January 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution. And I was thinking: you think he'd being doing this if he were still in the National Guard? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:27 PM | Comments (4) | Link to this

January 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier tonight, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq. And President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off that old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — David Letterman

I hope you caught the president's speech tonight. I'm still glowing. Watching him address the nation is like hanging out with your best bud. You're on the couch. He's giving a speech. You're drinking a beer. He's increasing troop levels in Iraq. Of course, I was a little disappointed the president didn't go with my recommendation of 300 million troops. That's a mistake. But you know what? If that's the only mistake he makes in this war, then we are in good shape. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq "The New Way Forward." Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called "Winging It." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We have a new person in the mail room opening mail, President Bush. The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. Hey, how about those memos on your desk? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the Prime Minister of Iraq says not only will he not seek a second term in office, he wishes he could quit early. He says he has other interests he'd like to pursue — like trying to stay alive. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani's entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:38 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They executed Saddam Hussein. I guess that means that whole Iraqi thing is over. We can all go home now. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of President Bush from his National Guard days]. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The good part of crossing the threshold of a new year is you get to start over. The bad part is you have to do it from where you are now. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?" — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Big changes in Washington. Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, "Uh oh." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I'm thinking if George Bush got a lump of coal for Xmas, Santa is sloughing off in his old age. Of course, you never hear of Santa giving a good pistol whipping as a present. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 03:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Now President Bush wants to send MORE troops to Iraq. This guy refuses to listen to anybody. The Iraqi people, the American people, his own intelligence Estimates, bi-partisan Study Groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this

December 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 02:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier today, the Christmas tree in front of the White House fell over. Even after the tree collapsed, President Bush insisted that the tree was doing a heckuva job. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This California company that was contracted to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:50 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Republicans used their last days in power to pass last-minute tax cuts, expand oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, clear GOP leadership of wrongdoing in the Mark Foley scandal, and pardon Hitler. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush today completed what he called "a listening tour." He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon — all the people he should have met with before the war. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This week a top general at the Pentagon said the War on Terror could take a 100 years to fight. President Bush was furious about the 100-year prediction and said, "Stop setting a fixed timetable." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush actually said today he will not be rushed into a decision about Iraq. I guess one time is enough for him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is an anniversary. Do you know what happened on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. And isn't it nice that since we've captured Saddam Hussein, we haven't had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons? Everything's so much better now. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 03:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 15, 2006

Flyover Statement Humor  Iraq

The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, who brought us Tough Day, Great Opportunity, one of TDS's best bits ever, is back with another good one. It's not on YouTube yet, but you can watch it here. Check it out.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought — unlike getting us into Iraq. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House said today President Bush is expected to make his Iraq strategy public, but not until after the holidays. What's the rush? Take a break. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, "Don't tell me how it ends." They said, "Uh, it doesn't." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

December 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. presidents. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 10, 2006

Manifestoon Humor  Politics

The words of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, illustrated by clips from Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Interesting and subversive.

It's remarkable that the words were written more than a century and a half ago. Some archaic terminology aside, a lot of it's pretty descriptive of events today. Check it out.

[Via Stan Goff]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 09, 2006

Dick Cheney, That's Funny Humor

Letterman inaugurates a new segment:

(Via Minor-Ripper)

Posted by Jonathan at 12:46 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It is in book form and entitled, "The Way Forward — A New Approach," a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, "Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug." — Jon Stewart, on the Iraq Study Group report

Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Dick Cheney has a gay daughter, Mary. Well, she's pregnant. Wow, that's going to be a shotgun wedding. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (3) | Link to this

December 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today was the first and only day of confirmation hearings for Rumsfeld's replacement Robert Gates. The committee immediately confirmed the guy. They really only had one question: "Are you now or have you ever been Donald Rumsfeld?" He said, "No." He showed them his driver's license and utility bill, and boom, they confirmed him. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 06, 2006

How I'm Feeling Humor




[Thanks, Dave]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:06 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Wednesday that it is time to face reality and recognize that Iraq is in a state of civil war. Powell made the statement after growing what are known as "retirement balls." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House does not yet believe Iraq is in a civil war, though they did concede that the conflict has entered a new phase. And it rhymes with "muster bluck." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war...President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time-Life books. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term explosion-filled misunderstanding. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House: more dead wood. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 01, 2006

Kansas Outlaws Evolution Humor

TGIF. The Onion:

In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life.

"From now on, the streets, forests, plains, and rivers of Kansas will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to procreate without deviating from God's intended design," said Bob Bethell, a member of the state House of Representatives. "This is about protecting the integrity of all creation."

The sweeping new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from being born with random genetic mutations that could make them better suited to evade predators, secure a mate, or, adapt to a changing environment. In addition, it bars any sexual reproduction, battles for survival, or instances of pure happenstance that might lead, after several generations, to a more well-adapted species or subspecies. [Emphasis added]

Yes, it's a joke. Just barely.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together! — Jay Leno

Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential library, not just a library, it will also contain a think tank — because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking. — David Letterman

President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books. They're popouts. Conan O'Brien

President Bush is preparing to build his presidential library. Bush's is expected to cost $500 million. That's more than three times the cost of the Clinton library, and more than all the other libraries combined, which makes you wonder, how many Garfield books can there be? — Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 29, 2006

Parting Shot Humor  Politics

Source

Posted by Jonathan at 08:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war it's Henry Kissinger. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Every year, President Bush gets to pardon one turkey, and this year it was Donald Rumsfeld. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A new poll finds that 60 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is a worse president than his father. However, President Bush's advisers cheered him up by telling him he's the second best George Bush who's ever been president. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 22, 2006

Hortatory Talk Humor  Iraq

General Shinseki and the Iraq war's only instance of 20/20 foresight. Jon Stewart:

Posted by Jonathan at 12:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will pardon the turkey. And today, Dick Cheney spent all day torturing it. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq met with leaders in Vietnam. Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 20, 2006

Jon Stewart Nails Glenn Beck Humor

Glenn Beck is such an idiot. Jon Stewart:

Posted by Jonathan at 01:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position, I kid you not, in the Senate will be Minority Whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice. — Jon Stewart

Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him Minority Whip. That is great for Trent. They say Minority Whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 19, 2006

Sermon For Today Humor

This being Sunday and all.

When I was a child, I used to pray to God for a bicycle. But then I realized that God doesn't work in that way — so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. — Emo Phillips

Posted by Jonathan at 06:07 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

The War On Christmas Humor

It seems to come earlier every year.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A judge in Massachusetts has ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich. Which makes me wonder, have we found bin Laden yet? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last week, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he is unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, That's ridiculous. The president is just as unpopular overseas. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it. — David Letterman

This week President Bush is flying to Asia to meet with leaders of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. Or, as President Bush calls them, China. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On election night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You got to give Rumsfeld credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands [on screen: a 1983 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein]. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment — irrelevance. — Jon Stewart

Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, "I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively — and then I waited three years." — Conan O'Brien

Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?. — Jay Leno

Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The other day in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4 — lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after the election, they'll be able to find jobs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is a good rule for life: Look for whoever is the most against anything and you can almost guarantee they are that something they are against. The guy who devotes his life to fighting gay rights is gay. The guy working to pass the laws against child pornography is sending sex messages to teenage interns. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

November 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsements from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 05, 2006

Ted Haggard Humor

Billmon:

You know you're in a pretty tight spot when you're a fundamentalist preacher with a high political profile and your defense is: "I only bought crystal meth from that gay hooker."

Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 07:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Maryland, the National Black Association created a controversy for running this radio ad [on screen: Announcer saying, "Democrats passed those black codes and Jim Crow laws. Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan. White hoods and sheets? Republicans freed us from slavery and put our right to vote in the Constitution."]. Great ad. It reminds us what this election is really about — the 1870s. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 12:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that — Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore. — Jay Leno

I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the "Mission Accomplished" sign three years ago. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder of exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys! — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico...That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush is getting rid of the phrase, "stay the course." That was his phrase for the entire war. Maybe the phrase should have been, "Find bin Laden." Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, "Stay under the desk?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:59 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The election is two weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 04:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They were talking to President Bush about what he likes to do in his spare time. He said what he likes to do is get on the Internet and he Googles. He likes to look at satellite photos of his ranch. Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It seems a lot of things about Republicans happen to be coming out now, only after they've done them. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [On screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years? — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 23, 2006

Perspective 9/11, "War On Terror"  Humor  Politics

Doonesbury (via Bruce Schneier) explains faulty risk assessment and the politics of fear:

First cartoon
Second
Third
Fourth
Fifth
Sixth
Seventh

A voice of reason.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A consumer watch group has released its annual list of the most dangerous Halloween costumes. Apparently, the most dangerous thing for kids to wear this year is a congressional page blazer. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Do you believe how self-destructive this Congress has become? This upcoming election is not an election, it's an intervention. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:16 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush now says there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. Of course, the big difference is, his dad could get him out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 20, 2006

Growth Industry Humor

Election outcome experts.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (2) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president had a press conference this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, "Like having no plan ever stopped me before." He has something even more deadly in store for them — we're going to bring them democracy. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The American President. Throughout history, there have been many of them. Every four years, roughly 50% of roughly 40% of Americans elevate a fellow citizen to this highest post in the land. These men — and you better believe they're men — evoke many feelings. Pride, respect, loyalty. Uh, the opposite of those things. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses — this is true — most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 17, 2006

Stick A Yellow Ribbon Up Your SUV Humor

The Asylum Street Spankers offer their opinion about yellow ribbons on SUVs.

[Thanks, Paul]

Posted by Jonathan at 09:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a press conference this morning, President Bush said that he has no intentions of attacking North Korea. Then Bush said, "However, I can't speak for Donald Rumsfeld." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 16, 2006

W Humor  Iraq  Politics

The leader of the free world. It's so embarrassing:

And as for cuttin' and runnin'...

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said today the U.S. will not attack North Korea. Oh sure, but we may liberate them. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush said he will not attack North Korea. Well, of course not. They actually have weapons of mass destruction. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A very scary situation in North Korea, but let's move on to the good news. As of Monday, North Korea has one less bomb. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 11, 2006

Crisis In Our Nation's Pants Humor  Politics

Jon Stewart on the Foley mess. Excellent, as always.

Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

And House Speaker Dennis Hastert is under fire because he claims if he was told about Foley's sex scandal a few years ago, he doesn't remember it. Really? How bad is the rest of the Republicans' behavior if news of one having cybersex with teenage boys isn't that memorable? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier in the week, Foley checked himself into rehab. But according to the New York Times, many people question his alcoholism claim. That's when you know things are bad in Washington: when a congressman can't even be trusted to be a drunk. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Remember the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congressmen are now on their five-week break. Did you know they were off? No, you don't even know when they're working. Anyway, they have five weeks to campaign for their upcoming elections. You know, they're traveling around the country talking about the most dangerous threats to our country — flag-burning and gay marriage. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We're covering a story about a certain congressman. Let's call him. Representative Mark Foley, Republican of Florida. He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself. — Jon Stewart

But in fairness to the Republicans, let me just throw this out — who invented the Internet? That's right — Al Gore, a Democrat. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. Run with it Fox News. — Jimmy Kimmel

(Foley's) in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks — drunk dialing. It's just that in Foley's case, it was drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation. It's simple. You drink, you forget things — especially things that could endanger minors. And I know people are wondering why Condoleezza Rice can't remember a July 2001 meeting with George Tenet where he warned her an al Qaeda attack was likely, even though White House records prove the meeting happened. She probably just blacked out. She was playing a drinking game. Every time you hear George Tenet say "imminent," you take a shot. — Stephen Colbert

This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday...Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On Friday, Republican Congressman Mark Foley of Florida stepped down because, well, he's in big trouble. If you were watching Fox News, you might have missed this story — they're still rerunning that Clinton video. — Stephen Colbert

Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit e-mails to underage boys. What is it with congressmen? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass. — Jay Leno

How 'bout that Florida Congressman Mark Foley? At least the Democrats waited until the interns were 18. — David Letterman

The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action. One lawmaker, the co-founder of the congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, was particularly outraged [on screen: Foley saying, "They're sick people. They need mental health counseling. They certainly don't need to be interacting with children."] That was Mark Foley from 2002, reacting to himself three years later. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A report leaked to the New York Times insinuates that the Iraq war has actually helped spread the Jihadist movement. President Bush none too pleased about the report. [on screen: Bush calling the assumption that going to Iraq was a mistake, naive]. Wow, going to Iraq being a mistake is naive? How naive? This kind of naive? [on screen: VP Dick Cheney saying, "I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators."] That kind of naive?. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you see this Clinton thing on Fox? [on screen: Bill Clinton's interview with Chris Wallace on 'Fox News Sunday']. Wow, talk about an overreaction. Chris Wallace just asked him a perfectly legitimate question [on screen: Depends On What Definition of 'Legitimate' Is]. He just basically asked, why did you let those 3,000 people in the World Trade Center die? And Clinton freaks out [on screen: Burst His Bubba]. Clinton even had the nerve to question why Wallace never asked the Bush administration the same thing. Well, there's an excellent reason [on screen: You Don't Criticize Your Boss]. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president of Afghanistan says over the past year, democracy has suffered a setback in his country. On the bright side, at least now he and President Bush have something in common. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

After three long years, our efforts in Iraq have been successful in fostering a new generation of people who hate us. A new National Intelligence Estimate report recently leaked to the New York Times says the war in Iraq has made the overall terrorism problem worse, and has spread Islamic radicalism further than before. Now that sounds bad, but remember, this is from a U.S. intelligence report. Take it with a grain of salt. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The U.N. says that there is more torture going on in Iraq than when Saddam was in power. Bush shot back. He said, "That is just the opinion of one individual who doesn't know the difference between regular torture and freedom torture." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Venezuelan President went to the U.N. and called Bush the devil. You could tell Bush was offended, because his tail stopped wagging. Bush said, "I would love to answer your ridiculous charge that I'm the devil, but I'm a little too busy this week trying to unite my party behind torturing people." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:57 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson is gone. He got the least number of votes. A Republican stopped by a lack of votes — when does that ever happen? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his speech, Bush said the United Nations is in danger of losing its credibility. And believe me, when it comes to international affairs, President Bush is an expert on losing credibility. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you know that in midterm elections you don't even get to vote for the president [on screen: Unless Using Diebold Machine]. Remember, you Republicans are the party of Jesus [on screen: And Will Be Crucified on 11/7]. It may look like you die, but in 2008, you will rise again just like the Lord [on screen: Lord Voldemort]. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, "This time, Rumsfeld and I are just going to wing it." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 06:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Picture your family dead. Just for a second. Are you picturing it? Now go vote. — Jon Stewart, summarizing President Bush's interview with NBC's Matt Lauer

Posted by Jonathan at 09:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last night in his speech to the nation, President Bush called for unity among all Americans unless, of course, you're gay, a Democrat or live in a blue state. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On this day in 1993 Israeli and Palestinian leaders met on the White House lawn and signed the peace accord. Glad they settled that! — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his speech to the nation this week, Bush said that we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent — and anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Senate Intelligence Committee — that almost sounds like an oxymoron — released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You are joining us on September 12th, which as you know, is the fifth anniversary of the misappropriation of the events of September 11th. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

[Monday was] a very solemn day — the fifth anniversary of 9/11. It's a time for the nation to reflect, come together and watch TV. What better way to commemorate a national tragedy than turning it into a mini-series? It's called "The Path to 9/11." I watched it last night. It's very educational. I know, because I yawned out loud. As ABC's epic disclaimer explains, it's based on the 9/11 commission report and some other stuff [on screen: Mad Libs]. — Stephen Colbert

The big controversy, of course, is the 9/11 mini-series because people are upset that it's not accurate. Because as you know, nothing is typically more accurate than the made-for-television movie. Why shouldn't 9/11 get the same respect that the Amy Fisher story gets? I mean, these are network executives making decisions about these films. Be thankful the Condoleezza Rice character is still black. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their "Path to 9/11" docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's "Rockin' 9/11 Countdown."

The controversial one is this ABC one, "The Path to 9/11." The original title was "Sheiks on a Plane." This is controversial because apparently it's very heavily slanted and it blames 9/11 on Bill Clinton. It makes Bush out to be a saint, which is kind of ridiculous because if Bush is gonna be on any ABC program, it should be "Lost." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had surgery on his shoulder yesterday. Apparently, he wrenched it while trying to pull his foot out of his mouth. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

After two months of controversy following the Mexican election, the electoral court declared Felipe Calderon as the president of Mexico. Imagine that — a court having to decide a presidential election. What a backward country that is. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, "The key for me is to keep expectations low." I think you can accurately say, "Mission Accomplished." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:33 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Ernesto — you've heard about this storm? Gathering speed, heading up the East Coast. They said Washington might be hit. That's when you know the federal government has its head up it's ass when the hurricanes have to come to you. Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the "Mission Accomplished" banner. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:25 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack — and will continue to be right up until Election Day. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There is finally a happy story in the Middle East. In the Gaza strip, Palestinian militants released those two Fox News journalists. They were released unharmed. The Palestinians said they just couldn't take any more of the pro-Bush stories. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Let me explain something to you about the algebra, if you will, of cable news: Three-year war in Iraq is less than 30-day-old bombing of Lebanon, which is less than explosive Gatorade on a plane, all of which is chickens**t compared to a break in a 10-year-old murder case. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it. — Conan O'Brien

President Bush. You know where he is? He's in New Orleans right now to mark the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Now if we could just get FEMA down there. — David Letterman

Today, of course, the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans. FEMA officials said it seems like just yesterday when they first arrived in New Orleans. And then they realized, "Oh, it was just yesterday." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, "Home of Cindy Sheehan." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under "job comma heckuva." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House announced that President Bush took three books with him on his ten-day vacation to his ranch in Texas. Three books. Now before you get impressed by all that, it's the same three books he took last year. He's still waiting to see if the little engine makes it over the mountain. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 27, 2006

Today's Lieberman Joke Humor

A lot of folks are big fans of the planets. Pluto now has lost its status as a planet. But it says it will run as an independent. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Posted by Jonathan at 09:57 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

August 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep, and that's why we're in Iraq. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

August 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

When it comes to the war in Iraq, no one is more optimistic than our President Bush. In fact, no one is optimistic other than President Bush. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 07:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 23, 2006

One-Handed Rubik's Humor

CalTech student sets the world record for solving a 3x3 Rubik's Cube — one-handed:

Posted by Jonathan at 12:19 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Thousands of Lebanese refugees are pouring back into their home towns, and it seems that one relief organization is stepping up their aid efforts more than any other relief organization. Which group is it? Here are some hints: They're Shiites, they're on the State Department's watch list of terrorist groups, and their name rhymes with "Lezbollah." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Midterm elections are a few months away. The intensity is picking up. Republican Senator/possible '08 presidential candidate George Allen of Virginia, campaigning hard. George Allen was pointing out that his opponent in the Senate race, James Webb had sent someone to videotape all of George Allen's appearances — which is not a very nice thing to do because George Allen says some really stupid s**t. Like, "Let's all welcome macaca over here to America." Although in Allen's defense, he didn't know that the gentleman was already a citizen and didn't need to be welcomed to America, or that his name wasn't "macaca". I think Allen just assumed the gentleman looked "macaca-ish". — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

While President Bush was on vacation, this country was in the capable hands of his brother, Raul. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:52 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a sign of how troubled our world is right now, this year, President Bush decided he's only doing a ten-day vacation at his Crawford ranch which, really, why even bother at that point?. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Good news. President Bush had his physical last week, and passed his physical. No word on the mental. But the doctors say he's okay, but he might want to go on a diet, because his Body-Mass Index has jumped to 26. On the bright side, his Body-Mass Index now matches his approval rating. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There have been a myriad of sporadic cease-fires in the Middle East over the last sixty years. Indeed, over the last three millenia, and each has proved but a tiny foyer opening onto yet another grand dark ballroom, whose weary dancers waltz endlessly to the dismal music of war. Still, I think this one's going to last. Call it a hunch. — Rob Corddry

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 15, 2006

Terror / Danger / Madman 9/11, "War On Terror"  Humor  Politics

Pardon my cynicism, but why are US airports full of machine-gun toting police and soldiers after the plot is uncovered?

Three months before an election.

Here's a Jon Stewart bit from February, 2004, a little reminder how the Bush/Cheney White House is all about pushing the fear button:

Terrorists hope to make us afraid. That's why it's called terror. Bush, Cheney, et al do the terrorists' work by constantly reminding us to be afraid.

Meanwhile, expect more pre-election Terror Alerts. They think we're suckers.

Update: YouTube pulled the video. It was good though. :-)

Posted by Jonathan at 05:28 PM | Comments (3) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I don't want to say that President Bush's approval rating is low but the Republican party has a special offer now for any donor who payed $10K in the past to have their picture taken with President Bush. Now for $20K they'll destroy the picture. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush, of course, is responding to the crisis. He's on vacation. That's his plan. He'll show them ... President Bush is on vacation in Texas right now. This is true. He's urging his staff to join the 100-degree club by running three miles in 100-degree heat. Experts say it's proof that the president an come up with a bad idea at any level. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is the latest: While on vacation, President Bush, I guess this was in the paper today, reportedly is reading a book about Abraham Lincoln or as President Bush calls him: the guy from the pennies. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 10, 2006

"Tough Day, Great Opportunity" Humor  Palestine/Middle East

There's silly satire, and there's satire with real bite. This bit from The Daily Show is the latter — exactly as it should be. I can't recommend it highly enough. Watch it, then watch it again:

Outstanding.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (5) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Yesterday President Bush denied that Iraq is close to a civil war saying, "Civil War. What Civil War?" Coincidentally, that's the same thing Bush used to say in his American History class. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Yesterday President Bush flew out to his prairie-chapel ranch in Crawford, Texas, to begin his eleven-day vacation. It's not really a ranch. There's no cows or horses. It's more like an estate. But ranch sounds better. You know, like when you call Iraq a democracy. It sounds better. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We talk a lot about Iraq, the Middle East, and Baghdad in particular, which hasn't had what they call utility services. They haven't had water, electric return to the state the way they were before the war, but the United States isn't really doing so great with that here either. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush had his annual medical exam this week. The doctors said the president remains in excellent health and is fit for duty. In fact so fit today the National Guard called and said "So how about serving your time now?" The doctors said his heart rate, blood pressure and cholesterol are all pretty good. The only bad number is his approval rating. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush had his annual physical this week. Doctors said that the president is in excellent shape. The country has gone to hell. But he's in good shape. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

An Inconvenient Truth: There has never been a better time for a movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned theater than right now. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 01:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

More serious newspapers in Israel are now starting to question their government's actions in Lebanon. The critics say Israel leaders underestimated the strength of the enemy, didn't have a well thought-out military plan, and may have gotten them bogged down in a quagmire fighting a guerrilla war in a foreign country. Well, thank god our leaders would never let anything like that happen. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 02, 2006

Political Science Humor  Politics  Rights, Law

Good old Onion:

Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self

WASHINGTON, DC — In a decisive 1–0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.

"I promise the American people that I will not abuse this new power, unless it becomes necessary to grant myself the power to do so at a later time." [...]

"In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to make the tough decisions, including, if need be, the decision to grant himself even more power," Bush said. "To do otherwise would be playing into the hands of our enemies."

About sums it up.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush spent hours talking about a possible solution to the Mid East crisis until staffers had to pull him aside and say, "Mr. President, that's Taylor Hicks. Prime Minster Blair is still outside waiting." — Jay Leno

This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big "American Idol" winner, and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush hosted the "American Idol" finalists in the Oval Office. Well sure, there's not really anything else going on. Bush is very, very busy. Tomorrow he meets with the Pirates of the Caribbean. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a speech, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Either we are serious about this war or we are not." Of course, people didn't know if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war against people who disagree with him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: "They did what?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there were in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

George Bush is a "Wheel of Fortune" President in a "Jeopardy" world. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 08:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 26, 2006

World's Funniest Joke Humor

The world's funniest joke, according to psychology professor Richard Wiseman, University of Hertfordshire (Telegraph, via Lew Rockwell):

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Got a better one? Leave it in the comments.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (8) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week — all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for a cease-fire. No, she's there for a "sustainable cease-fire," which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

People still talking about President Bush's use of a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit. It's not a big deal, President Bush using a four-letter word. Now if President Bush used a four-syllable word... — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white...Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong — even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it. — Jon Stewart

On White House press secretary Tony Snow classifying civilian casualties as a lamentable side effect of war: "It's not murder, it's a lamentable side effect. The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

[A]fter six years of silence, [President Bush] finally stood up and testified at the NAACP Convention in Washington. Now a lot of people assumed the president would get a chilly reception. Wrong. The NAACP embraced him. The man got huge applause. Take a look [on screen: Bush receiving applause after saying, "I understand many African Americans distrust my political party"]. Showered with love. — Stephen Colbert

For the first time in his presidency, President Bush addressed the NAACP convention. For five years he was asked to appear at the NAACP, but didn't make it. Well, that's nothing. He was asked to appear at the National Guard for six years and never made any of those either. — Jay Leno

Actually, it almost didn't happen. When President Bush overheard a couple of staff members saying he was going to give a speech at the NAACP, Bush got mad. He said, "You can't fool me, I know what that spells." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A lot of people are complaining about how long it's taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? We couldn't even evacuate Americans from New Orleans. — Jay Leno

The Middle East crisis continues right now. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in Lebanon say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

So hot today down in Washington, D.C., President Bush said, "Maybe there is something to this global warming sh*t." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Valerie Plame. You know who she is? She was the CIA agent whose name was leaked to the press and is now suing Vice President Dick Cheney for violating her constitutional rights. She's suing Dick Cheney. Is that smart? Even the guy who Dick Cheney shot in the face isn't suing him — and he's a lawyer. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has gone to the G8 Summit in Russia. The White House says he's going to try and convince other world leaders to develop nuclear power. Apparently, it's working, because so far, Bush has convinced Iran and North Korea. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:57 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

July 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, "I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig."] He may have the honor of slicing the pig?? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 02:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a "de-escalation of Mid-East violence." Later, Bush called for both sides to "de-angrify" and "de-hurt" each other. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan the other day where he promised to defeat the Taliban. Didn't we do that already? He's also sworn we will soon capture Saddam Hussein. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said today we should be patient with North Korea and use diplomacy and not rush into any kind of military actions. You know what that means? No oil over there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The government of Afghanistan has sent a letter to the news stations and all journalists in that country ordering them to report only favorable news about the government. Now I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember they don't have Fox News over there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 10, 2006

One Red Paper Clip Humor  Media

This is a fun story.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Frustrated members of the Iraqi Parliament are encouraging the US to form a new government. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to Tony Snow, the reason Norm Minetta left his Cabinet post of Transportation Secretary is because "he wants to." That's the kind of insight you expect from a Bush Administration spokesperson. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

[On AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a "full ground war" against the United States:] Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 04:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Crime has jumped to its highest level since 1993. I.e., the last time a Bush was in the White House. Coincidence? I think not. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 03:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Do you know this story? Today President Bush criticized the New York Times for revealing a government program to spy on people's bank accounts. President Bush defended it. Bush said, "If you want to figure out what bad people are doing, follow the money." He's right. That's how we got Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

To his credit President Bush knew all the protocol when meeting the Japanese prime minister. He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

How about the weather in Washington? Oh my God. The rain, or as they're calling it, Al Gore's revenge. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

At the White House President Bush was going to have a screening of Al Gore's movie on global warming, but they cancelled it because the theater was flooded. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 06:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A powerful storm in Washington, D.C. knocked over a 100-year-old Elm tree on the White House lawn. President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House is mad at the New York Times because they broke the story that the White House is secretly tracking our banking transactions. They're looking out for when people suddenly withdraw large amounts of cash — you know, either terrorists or people who need to fill up their SUV. In fact, President Bush is so angry at the New York Times he said today he's not even going to pretend to read it anymore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The flooding was so bad in Washington that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president and said, "You're on your own pal." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 27, 2006

Bumper Sticker Humor

Bumper sticker I saw tonight:

BILLIONAIRES FOR BUSH
Tax cuts for the rich create jobs. Honest.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily, the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush got back tonight from his very brief trip to Europe. Boy, remember the old days when it used to take longer than two days to visit all of our allies? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is in Austria. He's trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States...I was thinking about this and I was like, "Oh hell, that's Leno's problem." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was so hot today that President Bush met with European leaders just for the chilly reception. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is creating a Marine sanctuary in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest islands of Hawaii. You know what that means? No oil there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Republicans in the House of Representatives forced everyone to spend an entire day discussing a non-binding resolution praising the troops and labeling Iraq part of the War on Terror. Later they will debate a resolution declaring kittens "adorable". — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. ... They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Supreme Court has ruled that with a warrant, police no longer have to knock before kicking your door in. Unless, of course, you're the Vice President of the United States and we're talking about shooting a man in the face. Then you can come back tomorrow. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today in Iraq, the new prime minister instituted a ban on guns. Hey, good luck with that. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:38 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

[President Bush, you] were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 04:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president was [in Iraq] for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then...with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping...He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura — Ahmed Chalabi's "Desperation." It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma — smells awful...Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, "I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here." — Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Posted by Jonathan at 12:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 14, 2006

Robert Newman's History Of Oil Activism  Humor  Media  War and Peace

This is absolutely, bar none, the most brilliant piece of political video ever. Also the funniest. No contest.

Learn the real cause of the First World War. Learn what Salvador Dali's checkbook has to do with the Axis of Evil and the current invasion of Iraq. And many more things besides.

It's genius.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:29 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last week, we did lose one of the best. Tom DeLay gave his farewell speech to the House of Representatives. A brilliant speech and I believe some day DeLay's final address to Congress will be mentioned in the same breath as the preamble to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address. In fact, I just did it. That some day is today. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 02:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better. — David Letterman

Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

[Clip of Bush: "America is a free society, which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives."] And that's why I want to ban gay people from getting married. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place. — David Letterman

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was "mean, vicious, and hateful." So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage. And yet [the 2004 election campaign] was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I don't know about you guys, but I am so sick and tired of these lying, thieving, holier-than-thou, rightwing, cruel, crude, rude, gauche, coarse, crass, cocky, corrupt, dishonest, debauched, degenerate, dissolute, swaggering, lawyer shooting, bullhorn shouting, infra-structure destroying, buck passing, hysterical, criminal, history defying, finger pointing, puppy stomping, roommate appointing, pretzel choking, collateral damaging, aspersion casting, wedding party bombing, clearcutting, torturing, jobs outsourcing, torture out-sourcing, election fixing, women’s rights eradicating, Medicare cutting, uncouth, spiteful, boorish, vengeful, jingoistic, homophobic, xenophobic, xylophonic, racist, sexist, ageist, fascist, cashist, audaciously stupid, brazenly selfish, lethally ignorant, journalist purchasing, genocide ignoring, corporation kissing, poverty inducing, crooked, coercive, autocratic, primitive, uppity, high-handed, domineering, arrogant, inhuman, inhumane, inbred, inept, insipid, incapable, incompetent, ineffectual, insolent, insincere, know-it-all, snotty, pompous, contemptuous, supercilious, gutless, spineless, shameless, avaricious, noxious, poisonous, imperious, merciless, graceless, tactless, brutish, brutal, Karl Roving, backward thinking, persistent vegetative state grandstanding, nuclear option threatening, evolution denying, irony deprived, consciously depraved, conceited, perverted, peremptory invading, thirty-five day vacation taking, bribe soliciting, hellish, smarty pants, loudmouth, bullying, swell headed, ethics eluding, domestic spying, medical marijuana busting, Halliburtoning, narcissistic, undiplomatic, blustering, malevolent, demonizing, Duke Cunninghamming, hectoring, dry drunk, Muslim baiting, hurricane disregarding, oil company hugging, judge packing, science disputing, faith based advocating, armament selling, nonsense spewing, education ravaging, whiny, insane, unscrupulous, lily livered, greedy (exponential factor fifteen), fraudulent, delusional, CIA outing, redistricting, anybody who disagrees with them slandering, fact twisting, ally alienating, betraying, chickenhawk, sell out, quisling, god and flag waving, scare mongering, Cindy Sheehan libeling, smirking, bastardly, voting machine tampering, sociopathic, cowardly, treasonous, Constitution shredding, oppressive, vulgar, antagonistic, trust funding, nontipping, tyrannizing, peace hating, water and air and ground and media polluting (which is pretty much all the polluting you can get), deadly, traitorous, con man, swindling, pernicious, lethal, illegal, haughty, venomous, virulent, mephitic, egotistic, bloodthirsty, yellowbelly, hypocritical, Oedipal, did I say evil, I’m not sure if I said evil, because I want to make sure I say evil . . . EVIL, cretinous, slime buckets in the Bush Administration that I could just spit. Impeachment? Hell no. Impalement. Upon the sharp and righteous sword of the people's justice. Make it a curtain rod. Because it would hurt more. — Will Durst

Xylophonic?

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

June 05, 2006

Evolution Of Dance Humor

This is great fun. Make sure your computer's sound is turned on.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A survey of our troops in Iraq says 70% of them support a pullout within a year. Don’t these guys realize that when they say stuff like this it endangers our troops? — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 12:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Senate voted 63 to 34 to make English the official language of the United States, but they say as a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know, kind of like that ethics bill. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the "goodest news" he's heard in a long time. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier today, the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. was on lock down because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: "Cheney." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 30, 2006

Man Writes Poem Humor  Poetry

Another gem from Jay Leeming:

Poem: "Man Writes Poem" by Jay Leeming, from Dynamite on a China Plate. © The Backwaters Press. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

Man Writes Poem

This just in a man has begun writing a poem
in a small room in Brooklyn. His curtains
are apparently blowing in the breeze. We go now
to our man Harry on the scene, what's

the story down there Harry? "Well Chuck
he has begun the second stanza and seems
to be doing fine, he's using a blue pen, most
poets these days use blue or black ink so blue

is a fine choice. His curtains are indeed blowing
in a breeze of some kind and what's more his radiator
is 'whistling' somewhat. No metaphors have been written yet,
but I'm sure he's rummaging around down there

in the tin cans of his soul and will turn up something
for us soon. Hang on—just breaking news here Chuck,
there are 'birds singing' outside his window, and a car
with a bad muffler has just gone by. Yes ... definitely

a confirmation on the singing birds." Excuse me Harry
but the poem seems to be taking on a very auditory quality
at this point wouldn't you say? "Yes Chuck, you're right,
but after years of experience I would hesitate to predict

exactly where this poem is going to go. Why I remember
being on the scene with Frost in '47, and with Stevens in '53,
and if there's one thing about poems these days it's that
hang on, something's happening here, he's just compared the curtains

to his mother, and he's described the radiator as 'Roaring deep
with the red walrus of History.' Now that's a key line,
especially appearing here, somewhat late in the poem,
when all of the similes are about to go home. In fact he seems

a bit knocked out with the effort of writing that line,
and who wouldn't be? Looks like ... yes, he's put down his pen
and has gone to brush his teeth. Back to you Chuck." Well
thanks Harry. Wow, the life of the artist. That's it for now,

but we'll keep you informed of more details as they arise.

Meant to be read aloud, for example at breakfast with dear friends on the terrace at Hotel Cheguamegon overlooking Lake Superior. Expect laughter and delight.

[Thanks, Mary and Matt]

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 29, 2006

Ego Humor  Poetry

This morning, at breakfast overlooking Lake Superior with my daughter Molly and a collection of my dearest friends, our friend Mary introduced us all to a wonderful young poet named Jay Leeming. A sample:

Getting rid of your ego
is like trying to throw away a garbage can.
No one believes you’re serious,
and the more you yell at the garbage men
the better the neighbors
remember your name.

Thanks, Mary.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not "discriminatious." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This [FBI raid] has really unified both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert...has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Well, there's a bright side to this [guilty verdict] for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today the Republicans said this [FBI] raid [on Congressman Jefferson's office] may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was it when they were spying on our phone calls? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Conservative Republicans are very worried that there's no way to keep track of these illegal aliens. Yeah, we can't keep track of them unless they start making phone calls. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, "That's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the US/Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country — not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last night was the season finale of "West Wing." "West Wing" is gone. And ABC has cancelled "Commander In Chief." So, now the only fictional president is Bush. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Keeping Reality At Bay Humor  Politics

Defending the border with Reality. Bob Harris. Funny stuff.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans. No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

May 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut on capital gains, and it's all part of President Bush's "No Millionaire Left Behind" program. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 14, 2006

Live From New York Humor

And while we're on the subject of Al Gore, check out this video from SNL. A funny bit, but also kind of heart-breaking. What could have been: an actual clued-in grownup in the White House.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Mother's Day is the busiest long distance phone calling day of the year. Over 300 million long distance calls. And those are just the ones being monitored by the White House. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to a new low, 31% [now 29%]. In recent memory, only four presidents have had lower approval ratings: the president of Exxon, the president of Chevron, the president of Conoco, the president of Shell. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president said his brother Jeb "would be a great president." I guess we voted for the wrong one then. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The bird flu movie, here's what it is. The bird flu is coming, and government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they get this stuff? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

After just 18 months as CIA director, Porter Goss announced that he will be resigning his post to pursue a career as a scapegoat. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Porter Goss the head of the CIA resigned suddenly amid rumors that it has something to do with a floating party that's been going on at the Watergate hotel for years, which involves congressmen, lobbyists, defense contractors, and hookers. This is why you don't want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker — she might fall in with a bad crowd. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and toe the party line when he was doing it on Fox for free? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

All across the nation they had A Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House issued their recommendation for dealing with the bird flu. The first step, tax cuts for all birds. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, "pray that there's no hurricanes." Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The New Orleans Saints drafted Reggie Bush this past weekend. People in New Orleans are hoping this Bush will actually do something to help the city. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 02, 2006

Stephen Colbert In Full Humor  Politics

The full performance by Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents dinner is available here. Seeing the whole thing, including reaction shots of President Bush, one can only agree with Jon Stewart's assessment last night: Colbert's performance was "ballsylicious". The stuff of comic legend.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:53 PM | Comments (3) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush says he wants to find alternative sources of energy. He says they're looking towards solar power. In fact, he and Rumsfeld are planning an invasion of the sun. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Josh Bolten has put together a five-point recovery plan to help push President Bush up in the opinion polls. How about a five-point plan to get out of Iraq, wouldn't that push up the opinion polls? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 30, 2006

Stephen Colbert Has Brass Balls Humor  Politics

Stop what you're doing and go watch Stephen Colbert at last night's White House Correspondents dinner. Seriously. Stop what you're doing and go watch.

The clip is only the second half of his performance, but it's stunning. Bush was not amused, nor were many of the White House correspondents present.

The truth hurts.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:17 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The long-rumored merger between Fox News and the White House was made official this week, with the hiring of Fox News commentator Tony Snow to serve as the president's press secretary. A rebranding is in the works, and the new company will be called Integralux. The new way to govern. The company's expected to go public, uh, never. — Jon Stewart

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist?...Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 03:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 25, 2006

Slobbering Honey-Baby Activism  Humor

Five students, ages 7-10, wrote speeches they'd like to hear from President Bush, assuming he somehow came to see the error of his ways.

Go here to hear them read by Bush impersonator Jim Meskimen. Great stuff.

[Thanks, Kevin]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, "Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will." I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] — whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati the week before, it was a perfect strike. But then, on the other hand, Cheney can read. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, "Stop the persecution, stop the torture!" President Bush had to ask, "Which one of us are you talking to?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. The bad news, they're all in the White House. As you know, staff members have been leaving the White House in droves. Today, press secretary Scott McClellan stepped down. He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family. — Jay Leno

There is no word yet on who will fill McClellan's shoes, although one rumored candidate is Tony Snow, a correspondent at Fox News. In other words, the White House is considering paying a Fox News reporter to tell the public what they want the public to hear. I hope he's up to the job. — Jon Stewart

[The Bush administration reads] the poll numbers, they know most Americans think their policies are failing, so they've responded by changing the person who tells us those policies. It's quite a bold move...Every house cleaning starts by replacing the doormat. — Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already under way in Iran. You know what that means, time to break out the old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Rumsfeld is defiant. He says he is not backing down and he says he's going to stick around and let people criticize him for the Iranian invasion. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

But not all the generals are against Rumsfeld. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. today that President Bush was leaking classified documents in the park. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president of Iran has announced, "We are a nuclear country." ... You know what's scary about that? The president of Iran knows how to pronounce nuclear. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt — kind of like his approval rating...Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim. — Jay Leno

When Cheney came out on the field, he was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to Washington insiders, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he'd like to spend more time lying for his family. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tom DeLay announced that he will not run for re-election. However, he said he would continue to serve the people of his state by making them license plates. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe — that President Bush is allowed to see classified information. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 10, 2006

Today Bush Joke Humor

In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 08, 2006

Elvis Didn't Do No Drugs! Humor  Religion

Penn & Teller take on the Bible (via The Atheist Jew):

Hilarious.

Fair warning: contains rational thought and, uh, profane language.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:09 PM | Comments (7) | Link to this

Today Bush Joke Humor

This 56-year-old guy named Brian Doyle, the deputy press secretary of the Homeland Security Department, was arrested on 23 counts of using his government computer and cell pone to try and have sex with a 14-year-old girl. He would send these girls porno on the Web cam. Nice to see our surveillance cameras being used non-stop in the war against terror. — Jay Leno

A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now...Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security?...It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:48 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

April 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is a huge baseball fan. Did you know he once wanted to be a professional baseball player? He just didn't have the ability. Luckily, that's not a requirement to be president. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Indicted former Republican majority leader Tom DeLay announced he is resigning from Congress and he will not run for re-election. People were shocked. A Republican with an exit plan? ... They say this will be the first time Tom DeLay actually takes a vacation he pays for himself. — Jay Leno

I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks — going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation. — Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

Posted by Jonathan at 11:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 05, 2006

The Onion Does DeLay Humor  Politics

The Onion on Tom DeLay:

Tom DeLay To Pursue Corruption In Private Sector

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who is facing several ethics violations and felony charges, announced Tuesday that he will resign from Congress in order to concentrate on corruption in the private sector. "I can say with a clear lack of conscience that, after 21 years of public disservice, I have done everything I could to the American people," DeLay said in a televised statement to constituents. "I have a lot to offer the corporate world, such as money laundering and influence-peddling."

Or, he'll do a Chuck Colson and come out of prison and declare himself to be a born-again preacher. At which point, if DeLay isn't instantly struck by lightning where he stands, we will have final proof of God's non-existence.

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

He just gave a promotion to the guy who was in charge of our nine trillion dollar debt. You know what? I really think if you walked into a cabinet meeting and started hurling your feces at the wall, Bush would name a state after you. — Jon Stewart, on Bush naming Joshua Bolten his new chief of staff

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Saturday was April Fool's Day and President Bush had a great April Fool's joke planned. He thought he'd put out that old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last week, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the White House, but with more oil. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Dick Cheney said the other day that Democrats are not competent to fight the war in Iraq — this coming from a guy who shot a bird and hit a lawyer. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know Andrew Card? He resigned. I know what you're thinking: Who would leave a dream job like that? Finally somebody in the White House has an exit strategy. — David Letterman

Andy Card resigned. Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Here now a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's "downtime suite": He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. ... Cheney wants bottled water, decaffeinated coffee. He wants his lights on. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TVs must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, "My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraq War!" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief...Now we find out the specific instructions — that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, "Send educational software." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The FBI is investigating Americans — just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, don't applaud, I don't want to get investigated! — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA basketball tournament. Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Osama bin Laden says the US won’t take him alive. If I were him, I'd hide somewhere lacking US federal presence. Might want to try New Orleans' 9th Ward. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 12:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Cheney says there is no civil war in Iraq and that the violence is directed towards us. Wow, talk about good news, bad news. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 08:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We just had the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that Mission Accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC. — David Letterman

There are two sides in Iraq right now fighting. The side that hates us and the side that really hates us. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this, he was stunned. He was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser. — David Letterman

Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in Maryland with swindling Target and some other department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made off without about $5000 or so, which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier this week, the Pentagon launched the biggest air attack in Iraq since 2003. The White House said the attack will continue until President Bush's approval rating goes above 40%. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush said canceling the ports deal sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's now believed Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which could be big trouble — because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won't tolerate, it's a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass destruction, but doesn't. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said "Oh my God, what the hell happened here?" — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush says America has caused an incredible transformation in Afghanistan. He said everything's being rebuilt, people are getting jobs, kids are going back to school. He said it works so well that he's thinking of trying it in New Orleans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains. — Tina Fey

President Bush was also in Pakistan. Which is a little scary. When they landed there they landed in the dark with the lights off and all the shades pulled down. So if you count the Dubai deal, that's the second time President Bush has been operating in the dark. — Jay Leno

At least in India he was greeted by thousands of people waving American flags. They were on fire. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 10, 2006

Mel & Floyd On The Web Humor  Media

If you live here in Madison, you probably know about the "Mel & Floyd Show" on WORT radio. It's the funniest political commentary this side of The Daily Show.

If you're not from Madison, you don't know what you've been missing, but now WORT's streaming on the Internet, so you can listen in from anywhere in the world.

Fridays, 1 to 2 PM Central Time. Mark your calendars. Five stars.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Republicans in Congress want to stop the sale of those six sea ports to that Dubai company even though President Bush supports the deal. Republican congressmen say this issue involves something even more important than loyalty to the president: saving their own asses on election day in November. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On the port deal, a lot of Republican congressmen are saying let's not rush to judgment, let's investigate it and be sure of our facts. Gee, too bad they didn't try that before we invaded Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush got off the plane in Pakistan and said, "Pakistan is a force for freedom in the Arab world." Only problem there is Pakistan is not free and they're not Arab. ... Earlier in the week he referred to the people of India as Native Americans. — Bill Maher

Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, "Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The video tape that everybody is talking about this week is the one of President Bush being warned by federal disaster officials repeatedly the day before Katrina struck. They're constantly saying to him it's going to happen, and he doesn't ask a single question. I think it's a shame the president's performance was too late for this year's Oscars because, usually when you play a retarded guy, you're going to win. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Situational Science Humor  Science/Technology

This is great. Does make me wince, though. If only it were just a joke.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 06, 2006

Star Quality Humor

From James Wolcott's Oscar post:

Lauren Bacall, not the nicest star, but one who will be forever endearable for telling Norman Podhoretz to buzz off and stop bothering her at a party by snapping, "Can't you see I'm talking to my equals?"

Damn! Wouldn't you love, just once before you die, to come up with a crack as perfect as that?

Posted by Jonathan at 11:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left. — Conan O'Brien

He was only in Afghanistan for four hours. That may not sound like much, but it's more time than he spent in the Texas National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A web site called HeroBuilders.com is now selling a Dick Cheney action figure. The nice thing is the Cheney action figure fits right into your back pocket, so you can walk around and pretend you're an oil company executive. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 04, 2006

Bumper Sticker Humor

Seen in traffic today:

Evolution is only a theory.
You know, like gravity.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:59 PM | Comments (6) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They're now talking about bringing in a guy from Dubai to run the country. — Jay Leno, on Bush's low approval ratings

Even Tom DeLay is saying this port deal is a big mistake. He said if the people of Dubai want to be involved in our government, they should do it through proper channels and write him a big giant campaign check. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:32 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush, talking about the port deal, he said we Americans have nothing to fear from the Dubai government running our ports. I know a good way for President Bush to convince everyone of that — let the Dubai government handle his security. Hey if it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button. — David Letterman

President Bush also going to visit Pakistan. I think he wants to put them in charge of our airport security. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said "Mission Accomplished." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 27, 2006

Al Knows Humor

Make your own here.

Posted by Jonathan at 06:11 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A firm owned by Dubai's government has purchased the rights to operate sea ports in six major American cities. A move the White House approved without telling Congress. Even worse, everyone found out about the sale from that Texas quail hunt rancher lady. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot. — Jay Leno

We're turning our ports over to the Arabs. We can't even turn Iraq over to the Arabs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six US ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing? — Jay Leno

President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control of American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Mardi Gras starts this week in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing. The only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan after all. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:39 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, "Hey, does a vice president shoot in the woods?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood? — Jay Leno

Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq. — David Letterman

Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They called it "Interview with a Marksman." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 16, 2006

Faster Than ADSL Humor

If you're familiar at all with Internet protocol terminology and concepts, this is just hilarious. I especially loved the description of the PUSH router. Too funny.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow. — David Letterman

The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again. — David Letterman

If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than shooting your buddy in the ass? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney. — David Letterman

Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him? — Jay Leno

Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects...But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about...Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it. — Jon Stewart

The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face. — Rob Corddry

The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep. — Craig Ferguson

But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his pact with the devil. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is taking this very, very seriously. He's now asking all cartoon characters not to travel to the Middle East. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I'm sure you know by know Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:06 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

As for what exactly a bad day for Bush might look like, oh, how about being a captive audience member at the funeral of a civil rights pioneer in front of thousands of people, none of whom voted for you except the woman sitting right next to you and possibly your dad. But I'm not even sure he's buying it anymore. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There was a tribute to the Dance Theater of Harlem down there in Washington at the White House, and after dinner, Bush and his wife got up and danced for the crowd. And I was thinking about this. I believe the last time Bush danced for a black audience was when he tried to explain FEMA's response. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Just 24 hours after President Bush promised to reduce America's dependence on oil on Tuesday, his Energy Secretary and national economic advisor said he didn't really mean it. They're blaming it on his new speechwriter, "A Million Little Pieces" author James Frey. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, "Brokeback Mountain." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

If you didn't catch the speech, President Bush said we must move beyond a petroleum-based economy, then Dick Cheney clutched his heart and said "No, no!" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There was one awkward moment when the president's SOTU speech was interrupted by a standing ovation from crooked lobbyists. — David Letterman

I have to say I was a little disappointed. Not once did Bush apologize to Oprah for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The State of the Union address was stopped 72 times for applause and another 30 for subpoenas. — David Letterman

One of the big topics was all the new jobs that have been created. A lot of new jobs have been created. They're all in India. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 03, 2006

Iraq: The Musical Activism  Humor  Iraq

The Scarlet Pimpernel of freewayblogger.com has posted an animated musical bit on Iraq, dancing Abu Ghraib figures and all.

Go here and click on Iraq: The Musical.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch to watch the Super Bowl. — Jay Leno

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. That might not mean much to you, but to President Bush it means a month off at the ranch. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 02, 2006

Good Ol' Onion Humor  Politics

The Onion proves once again why it deserves to call itself America's Finest News Source (the Daily Show aside):

President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals

In his State of the Union address to the nation last night, President Bush announced a new cabinet-level position to coordinate all current and future scandals facing his party.

"Tonight, by executive order, I am creating a permanent department with a vital mission: to ensure that the political scandals, underhanded dealings, and outright criminal activities of this administration are handled in a professional and orderly fashion," Bush said.

The centerpiece of Bush's plan is the Department Of Corruption, Bribery, And Incompetence, which will centralize duties now dispersed throughout the entire D.C.-area political establishment.

The Scandal Secretary will log all wiretaps and complaints of prisoner abuse, coordinate paid-propaganda efforts, eliminate redundant payoffs and bribes, oversee the appointment of unqualified political donors to head watchdog agencies, control all leaks and other high-level security breaches, and oversee the disappearance of Iraq reconstruction funds. He will also be responsible for issuing all official denials that laws have been broken.

"Many of the current scandals in Washington are crucial to the success of my priorities for the nation," Bush said. "The Department of Corruption will safeguard these important misdeeds."

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card characterized the president's announcement as part of a larger effort to usher in a "new era of scandal management." [...]

The Scandal Secretary will choose the elected official or business leader who will assume full responsibility for each scandal once it reaches fruition. His department will pen all tearful apologies and plea agreements and make all necessary arrangements for the designated scapegoat's transition to a think tank, consultancy, law-partner position, or, if unavoidable, cursory stint in a minimum-security prison.

Leading candidates for Scandal Secretary include Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff, Scooter Libby, and FEMA's Brownie. Formidable competition indeed.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush gave his State of the Union address...Did you notice, a lot of Republican congressmen were not applauding President Bush. It's hard when you're wearing handcuffs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Whenever I see George Bush speak while Dick Cheney drinks a glass of water, I can't help but silently applaud. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush announced plans to personally get involved in the combat against bird flu. I guess we can expect him to run the operation from the Alabama National Guard again. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Justice Department prosecutors are not expected to try and link President Bush to either the Libby or Abramoff scandals. They realize "the President knows nothing" is a phrase with a lot of credibility with prospective jurors. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Dick Cheney was given a clear bill of health by doctors at the Bethesda Naval hospital. Bet he hasn't felt this relieved since getting his 5th deferment. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:07 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Inspiring developments — Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh — it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Ultimately, Stephen Harper, the conservative, is the new prime minister, ending 13 years of liberal rule in Canada. They picked up not as many parliamentary seats as they thought they might, but they picked up quite a few, more than the liberals. Martin has resigned as liberal party head. But the real question on everybody's mind is, can we still stitch their flags on our backpacks to get through Europe? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Republican Congress is ready to push through lobbyist reform. Although direct deposit will still be a viable option. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 08:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 01:57 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 21, 2006

The Zeal Of Molecules Humor

Fun with chemistry: thermite vs. liquid nitrogen, thermite vs. a French car. Video (via John Robb).

Posted by Jonathan at 05:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:57 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction.— Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Supreme Court Nominee Samuel Alito has a blend of coffee named after him at a Newark, New Jersey, coffee roaster. Its called Bold Justice, although I think Right Wing Wake Up Call has a better ring. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted during an interview this week that he has smacked his children, though only because he believed reports that they were carrying weapons of mass destruction. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last Thursday, the president tried to counter the growing criticism of his Iraq policy by gathering together 13 former secretaries of defense and state, a regular who's who of who's blown up what. Also on the guest list, Robert McNamara, defense secretary during the Vietnam era. The White House invited him to ensure that at least someone in the room had fu*ked up more than they have. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wiretaps. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the Washington Post, Vice President Dick Cheney is limping today because he injured his foot. Cheney said "If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 13, 2006

The Best Blonde Joke Ever Humor

Some of my best friends are blondes, but how could I not link to this: the best blonde joke ever.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:16 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Lobbyist Jack Abramoff's legal fees are going to be astronomical. He might even be forced to lay off a couple of Republican Senators. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 06:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Things are so bad now the Iraqis are offering to help us restore democracy in Washington. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen...Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congressmen are actually now returning illegal gifts. I called the weather bureau, and sure enough, hell has frozen over. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Donald Trump running for president. I blame George Bush. He lowered the standard. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are telephone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: Hello? What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Our torture stance is very simple. We don’t torture people. Never have. Never will. We just don't want to rule it out. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's the start of a new year and President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, "I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq." When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today three wise men arrived at the White House. They're lawyers trying to help President Bush avoid impeachment. They brought gold and other things. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Let's see what is going on with George W. Bush. Do you know what the "W" stands for? Wiretap. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas cards to friends this year did not say "Merry Christmas". nstead they said, "Sorry about the indictment." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Newsweek magazine is reporting that President Bush called in the editor and publisher of the New York Times two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here's my question. How did he know they were going to publish it? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

That's the big story, you know. President Bush and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your phone were telemarketers? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:17 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

December 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his 318th speech on Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 22, 2005

Coal In Your Stocking Energy  Humor

In other Christmas news, here's a little item from The Onion:

With winter's onset driving the demand for surface coal to record-high levels, the mineral's cost is now beyond the reach of low- and middle-income Americans who wish to punish their naughty children. "Coal in one's stocking is meant to serve as an admonishment or warning, not as a dependable grade-B investment," said William Menchell, a commodities adviser for T. Rowe Price.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his warm holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far-off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, "The what and the who?" — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can't blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The general election's taken place in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 15, 2005

A Christmas Poem From Rep. Dingell Humor  Politics

Here (via Atrios).

Posted by Jonathan at 06:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Store Wars Activism  Humor

This is priceless. Laugh-out-loud funny, and oh so clever.

Go see for yourself.

[Thanks, Carie]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% — like it was on Election Day. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey with, it's a curfew. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sounds like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

First Lady Laura Bush read "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" to a group of children. Unfortunately, the first lady was interrupted when Dick Cheney yelled "Go Grinch." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. that Dick Cheney had to take the chains off a detainee and put them on his car. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, "What? We had a plan?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 08, 2005

Jon Stewart's Kwanzaa Gift To Bill O'Reilly Humor  Media  Politics

A follow-up on yesterday's Bill O'Reilly and the fake war against Christmas item: Jon Stewart did a funny bit on it last night. Go here, and click "Secular Central".

And Atrios makes a good point: as silly as all this is, it's annoying that the wingnuts are managing to politicize what most people think of as a nice, loving holiday season that brings people together. Wedge Issues R Us.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Texas, President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can't even get out of jury duty. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know whose birthday it is today? General George Custer. And like President Bush, he had no exit strategy either. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq." — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It seems the Pentagon has been paying Iraqi journalists to promote a proWhite House view in Iraqi newspapers. See, luckily, we don't have that kind of thing here. We have Fox News. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval rating now down to 35%. To give you an idea about how unpopular President Bush is right now, he wasn't even invited to the White House Christmas party. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was called for jury duty in Texas. Whew, finally some good news for Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 02, 2005

Dubya's Briefing Book Environment  Humor

A briefing book on global warming, created just for Dubya, here.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Laughing At Bombastic Bill Humor  Media

Courtesy of Atrios, a listener's reaction (audio - mp3) to Bill O'Reilly. Priceless.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A hunk of marble fell from the front of the Supreme Court building, a big hunk of marble. I believe it was the biggest thud at the Supreme Court since Harriet Miers. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Baghdad, the trial of Saddam Hussein began again today, after a five-week delay which saw two of the former dictator's lawyers executed and a third flee the country. In addition, the trial was adjourned after it was discovered that a key witness against Saddam had been found dead. Although, on the bright side, that witness died of cancer. Which I believe in Iraq is a very hopeful sign. To see someone there live long enough to die of a disease, I think they're turning things around. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The former head of FEMA, Michael Brown, has decided to go into business for himself as an emergency management consultant. That's like Robert Blake deciding to become a marriage counselor. He's even got a great slogan — when you call Michael Brown, you know it's a disaster. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview in GQ, rap artist 50 Cent says he is a big fan of President Bush. This increases President Bush's approval rating among African Americans to one. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the latest poll, a majority of Americans think President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are not telling the truth. How ironic is that? You ever think you'd see the day where you missed the honesty of Bill Clinton? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Dick Cheney said he is particularly upset when critics say they lied us into the war. I say fine. Just lie us back out and we'll call it even. How about that? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

November 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Of course people will be eating turkey on Thanksgiving. A lot of people like to bake it, some broil it, a lot of people pan fry their turkey, some roast it. Dick Cheney plans to have the CIA torture his. — David Letterman

Earlier today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Here's an interesting fact. Do you know how they pick the turkey to give the presidential pardon to? They see which one gave the most money to Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:12 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush had an embarrassing moment after holding a press conference in China, did you see this on the news? He tried to leave the room, but the doors were locked. Once again, no exit strategy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority and a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, "Millions? With an M? That's adorable." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 21, 2005

Jon Stewart Nails Cheney Humor  Iraq  Politics

Go here and click on "Weakened Update" to watch The Daily Show With Jon Stewart nail a variety of targets, Dick "We'll be greeted as liberators" "Last throes of the insurgency" Cheney most of all. Be sure to catch the end.

Puts the rest of the media to shame.

Posted by Jonathan at 07:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is on an 8-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs. He's spending 8 days in the Orient, and as we all know, he's spent the last four years in disorient. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush, is on his Asian tour now. He'll visit Japan, China, South Korea, Mongolia. Once again, he's skipping Vietnam. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:17 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

George Bush's brother Jeb, who is the governor of Florida, says he wants to be president. And you can't blame him. Right now the Bush name is magic. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Dick Cheney is in town. He has been squeezing in as many fundraisers as possible before his indictment. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

When these oil company executives walked into the Capitol building, all these senators and congressmen were scared and nervous. It's always a little nerve-wracking when the real owners of the place show up. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said "I'm not going to act all upset and hurt because I don't have that kind of range." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The chiefs of the five major oil companies defended their companies' huge profits before a congressional committee. See, this gave oil company executives a chance to put a face to the names they write on the checks. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

That President Bush, I'm telling you I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. His approval rating is at an all-time low, 35%. For the first time, it's actually lower than his grades at Yale. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Well, while all this is going on, all these indictments, President Bush has now ordered everyone in the White House to attend ethics classes. Woo, not a moment too soon on that one. Now, you thought FEMA was late? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Things are not going well for Scooter Libby. You see him walking around on crutches? Yeah, apparently he hurt his ankle taking the fall for Karl Rove. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was greeted by ten thousand demonstrators screaming "get out Bush, get out Bush." And that was here at the airport before he left. — Jay Leno, on Bush's trip to Argentina

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House, for the first time, didn't open the door for Halloween trick-or-treaters. It's not terrorism, they're just worried that someone will come to the door with a subpoena. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said "Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:33 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Senator Chuck Grassley has written to the oil companies asking them to donate a portion of their nearly hundred billion dollar oil profits to help low income people buy heat this winter. The oil companies responded by offering millions of dollars to someone to run against Grassley in the next primary. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:46 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Three kids came to my house on Halloween dressed as Bush, Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. I gave them some candy and they just kept standing there. I said, "Okay, you can go," and they said "Oh, we can't, we don't have an exit strategy," so they're still there at the house. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the latest poll, if Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. To which Bush replied, "Again?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 01, 2005

How The News Works Now Humor  Media  Politics

Tom Tomorrow sums it up.

Posted by Jonathan at 06:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

If convicted Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 5 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is a blow to Cheney. Libby is Cheney's Cheney. They say he could finish Cheney sentences — and now he's going to, at Leavenworth. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By the way, his real name is not Scooter. It's I. Lewis Libby. Which will come in handy when he has to say "I Lewis Libby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 02:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Harriet Miers submitted her resignation letter, the first and only document she's released in the entire nomination process. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last night's game was the longest game in World Series history. It lasted 5 hours and 41 minutes. And as it dragged on and on and on, I began to think it was something George Bush had gotten us into. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House remains steadfast. They said they will absolutely not withdraw Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court. You know what that means? She'll be out of there in a week. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They told us that when we invaded, we'd be greeted with sweets and flowers. They left out the crucial modifier: "exploding." — Al Franken

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush will not function effectively. Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively? — David Letterman

Bush is so exhausted by all these scandals that he is praying for another disaster like a flood or a hurricane so he can kick back and do nothing. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's right. That's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. It's an enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on Osama bin Laden's aromatherapist. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 22, 2005

Rush Limbaugh, Satirist Humor  Politics

Rush Limbaugh does satire. Who knew? The Rushbo (via Wampum):

My idea is this: The solution to the Harriet Miers issue. The president announces that he's withdrawing her from nomination to the Supreme Court because he's decided to appoint her to succeed Alan Greenspan at the Federal Reserve. He trusts her. She has filled out her own income tax forms all of her life, and she has done her personal banking all of her life. She knows banks, she knows tax reform, tax policy, and the president trusts her, so she could go to the Federal Reserve.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:52 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

October 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney might resign. Who's going to be president now? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas. — Jay Leno

You know what you call a Republican with only 2 percent of the black vote? A Republican. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this

October 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush and the first lady were on the Today Show building a house for Katrina victims. And before they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans, and he asked if he could keep them because, you know, he's never had a set of plans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small family. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 04:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of surprising. A woman without any opinions? That's like a Republican's dream, isn't it? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 13, 2005

Presidential Speechologist Humor

This is a funny bit.

[Thanks, Deborah]

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Harriet Miers told the New York Times that President Bush is the smartest man she's ever met — and Dick Cheney's the best athlete she's ever seen. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This Harriet Miers pick for the Supreme Court is turning out to be the most controversial pick involving the Supreme Court since — George Bush. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Republicans are having their problems. Karl Rove is testifying as I said for the fourth time next week. Tom Delay was indicted for the second time and Bill Frist is being investigated. For a party that hates trial lawyers they sure do hire a lot of them. — Jay Leno

The Republicans are in trouble. Bill First, the Senate leader, is under investigation, Karl Rove is about to be indicted, Tom DeLay was indicted twice in one week. You almost feel bad for how screwed this guy is, because usually when someone wants to beat this kind of a rap, the person they bribe is Tom DeLay. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Interesting woman this Harriet Miers. She used to be a Democrat, and then she found God and became a Republican. Which is kind of backwards, because usually in Washingotn you become a Republican, get indicted, go to jail, then you find God. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers describes herself as a born-again Christian but claims not to have an opinion on abortion rights. Unh- hunh. The same way a wolf has no opinion on sheep. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A former Marine was arrested for allegedly stealing intelligence memos from the White House. How about that? The guy would get into the White House and steal intelligence memos, and I thought, well, at least someone's reading those memos. — David Letterman

No, it's a real mystery, no one knows how he got into the White House, no one knows how he managed to stay in there so long ... oh, no, wait, that's George Bush, I got confused. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A lot of conservative Republicans say they are very upset about President Bush's choice of Harriet Miers. They say she has no experience, she doesn't know anything about constitutional law, and she's never shown any interest in it. Where were these people with the high standards when they nominated Bush to be president? — Jay Leno

She's never been a judge before, never served on the bench. This is part of President Bush's strategy of surrounding himself with people who are also in over their heads. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Welcome to the "Late Show," ladies and gentlemen. It's like the Supreme Court, anyone can get in here. — David Letterman

Big news this morning at the White House, President Bush defended his nominee, Harriet Miers, calling her "Plenty bright." Yeah, not only that, but then the president said Miers has "real purdy hair." Then he got on a mule and headed south. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush chose Harriet Miers to be his next nominee to the Supreme Court. You know what we know about Harriet Miers? Her name is Harriet Miers. — Jay Leno

Harriet Miers, as you know, has no experience. Apparently no experience is the main requirement to be a Bush appointee. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In the wake of newly-alleged prisoner abuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners is hurting the nation's image. Also hurting the nation's image: letting people drown when it rains. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 03, 2005

Falling, Falling... Humor

This is cute. It's different every time.

[Thanks, Kevan]

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The government's response to Hurricane Rita was relatively smooth, especially when you consider that the response to Hurricane Katrina was littered with faux pas. Or, as President Bush prefers to call them, "freedom pas" — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an announcement today President Bush said all federal workers should travel less to save fuel. He decided on this in Texas, right before he flew to Colorado then back to Washington to prepare for tomorrow's trip back to Texas. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he is innocent of all wrongdoing and is the victim of a plot by the Democrats. Fox News does too; they've been spinning this story so hard that today they had to give the staff Dramamine. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 12:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Forbes this week came out with a list of the 400 richest Americans, or as we call it, the Bush Cabinet. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The National Enquirer says that president Bush has started drinking again. You thought he was falling off his bicycle before. Are you worried that President Bush might be drinking again? Why? Let's say he is drinking. It'd be hard to screw up more than we have already. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm, and while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare — an electric chair with no power. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:33 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush did something interesting the other day. After weeks of dodging how poorly the Hurricane Katrina rescue effort went, he finally took responsibility for it. It's almost unprecedented for President Bush to admit fault. And he's getting so much praise for doing it, he decided to go for broke and also admitted today that he's not very smart. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 03:57 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

If there's one person who felt the pain of what's going on down there and commemorated the victims of Katrina more than anyone else, it's Judge John Roberts, because he observed an entire week of silence. — Bill Maher, on John Roberts' confirmation hearings

Posted by Jonathan at 07:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, "Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush spoke to the nation from historic Jackson Square in New Orleans. Did you see this speech? He wasn't wearing a tie, he wasn't wearing a jacket. See they took all that stuff away from him. Apparently his approval ratings are so low they have him on a suicide watch. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 21, 2005

Laughing To Keep From Crying Humor

I don't know about you, but after that last post, I need some comic relief...

"Hurricane Rita, hitting Florida, and this time President Bush is not screwing around. He is not taking any chances. Earlier today, President Bush sprang into action and evacuated all the crooked voting machines out of Florida." — David Letterman

"Whatever their shortcomings in the past, the federal government has learned the lesson of Katrina: Start blaming state and local officials now. I've already been assured by FEMA that the mayor and governor will have failed. And this time the president will not be detached. There are already plans to helicopter him in to save a baby from raging flood waters." — Rob Corddry

"Hurricane Rita, this is like the 9th hurricane out this season. Maybe this isn't the time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier.

The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, "Can we start with you?" — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Off the coast of North Caroline, Hurricane Ophelia continues to lurk. That is what I was worried about after Katrina, copycat hurricanes. Hopefully Ophelia will peter out and drizzle away. Just to be safe though, the President went on a two-week vacation. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

John Roberts, Bush's nominee for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, refused to answer questions about his opinions on Roe vs. Wade. To the President, they're both equally effective ways to get out of New Orleans. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I guess the lesson of Katrina is: If you expect FEMA to respond, you should live in a state run by Republicans. Preferably a Presidential brother. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 16, 2005

Bonus Bush Joke Humor

Bush says he doesn't want to play the "Blame Game." Makes sense. Never heard of a chicken who wanted to play the "Extra Crispy" game. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Big summit at the U.N., and President Bush warned the president of Syria to stop letting terrorists into Iraq. And then the president of Syria warned Bush to start paying attention to natural disasters. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You've performed so poorly, Mr. President, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend; you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been relieved of his command. He has been asked to return to Washington immediately. He is expected to arrive in about a week. He had a good excuse, though. He said he thought freezing in the face of national crisis made him look presidential. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Just a quick observation. When people don't want to play the blame game — they're to blame. — Jon Stewart, on the White House cautioning against playing the "blame game"

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Big announcement today from FEMA. They say they believe a big hurricane has hit New Orleans. They can't confirm it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:25 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now...Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner — this is true — of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Daily Show:

Jon Stewart: The president has vowed to personally lead the investigation into the government's failed response to Katrina? Isn't that a job perhaps someone else should be doing?

Samantha Bee: No, not at all, Jon. To truly find out what went wrong, it's important for an investigator to have a little distance from the situation. And it's hard to get any more distant from it than the president was last week.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 08, 2005

The Daily Show Does Katrina Disasters  Humor

As always, The Daily Show nails it. Go here and watch:

Meet the F**kers

Bush's Timeline

Inarguable Failure

And go here and watch:

Beleaguered Bush

Nothing cuts through the crap like great satire.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Even President Bush, almost a week later, President Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said "Hey, don't blame me, I was on vacation." Although, to his credit, President Bush did respond quickly and he did send troops — as soon as he found out Louisiana had oil. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 07, 2005

The Daily Show On Bush And Katrina Disasters  Humor  Politics

The Daily Show does it again. Courtesy of Crooks and Liars:

Watch - Windows Media

Watch - QuickTime

Posted by Jonathan at 06:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

From The Daily Show:

Ed Helms — While everybody else is busy setting up commissions and finding fault, through the president's leadership he'll end up building a billion dollar dam in Arkansas.

Jon Stewart — Why would he build a dam in Arkansas?

Ed Helms — His plan will be to fight the water there so we don't have to fight it here.

Posted by Jonathan at 09:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

If they ever pass a new constitution in Iraq, the name of Iraq might change. They might pick a new name for the whole country. I have an idea... How about Vietnam? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

If you want to help the victims hit hardest by hurricane Katrina, Fox news has posted the Web site of the Republican National Committee. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

He could have started planning on Saturday when the radar showed that a hurricane was going to hit the city, but Bush thinks the jury is still out on weather forecasting. You know, there's one big difference between George Bush and Marie Antoinette, and that is when Marie Antoinette said 'Let them eat cake,' they had cake. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Finally [Friday] convoys of troops and aid started to arrive along the Gulf Coast. Five days after the hurricane hit. Kind of makes you miss the innocent days when Bush only sat on his ass for seven minutes. It only took him four days to make a plan, but finally today he said he had a plan. Unfortunately it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn't want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It's the same way that Republicans feel about the White House. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be clearing brush in Texas until Friday. Now he's going to get back to the White House early. You know, if he doesn't use his vacation days, he loses them, so this is hard on everybody. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said he wants Iraqis to compromise with each other, the warring parties, on their constitution. He said, look how easy it is, look how many times I've compromised our constitution. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Interesting science news this week. Scientists say they now have incontrovertible evidence that the earth's core is an iron ball the size of the moon. Apparently it spins faster than the rest of the planet. President Bush weighed in immediately. He said it's also important that schools teach that it doesn't. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

[Clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho]: "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one." Ah, the first rule of public speaking: always start with a joke. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Eight cities in Texas are competing with each other to be the location for the George Bush Library. It's BYOB — bring you own books. The George Bush Presidential Library — that shouldn't take up too much space: a box of cliff notes and pop-up books. The only thing Bush ever checked out of a library was Laura. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 12:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

He keeps saying "sacrifice" and the "war on terror," and then you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong. — Jon Stewart, on President Bush's vacation

Posted by Jonathan at 09:14 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

August 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is on a five-week vacation. How many folks get five weeks off a year? You know, if I want five weeks off I have to have open heart surgery, for God's sake. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Pat Robertson, in case you don't know, is a televangelist. He's one of the big ones and also one of the dumbest ones. He's getting a lot of heat today after suggesting on his show yesterday that we go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela. Well, that is what Jesus would do. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Three missiles were fired on one of our ships in the Gulf of Aqaba in Jordan, and the administration is scrambling to determine exactly who these attackers were, and which country that had nothing to do with it we can invade. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, "Don't worry, I won't do any work there either." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Lance Armstrong is going on a bike ride with President Bush. Apparently, Armstrong's mom called the president's mom and they set the whole thing up. They're going to have a sleep over, build a tent, maybe eat s'mores. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is doing a lot of reading this summer. And today the White House released the president's summer reading list. They said he is reading mostly non-fiction. He likes to save the fiction for when he needs another reason to invade a country. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now — six more weeks of vacation. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Months ago officials set August 15th as the due date for the country's new constitution and, as of August 11th, President Bush remained optimistic. [clip of Bush: "I'm operating under the assumption that it will be agreed upon by August 15th."] Well guess what? The assumption that the president was operating on was wrong — bringing the number of false assumptions we were operating under to — let's see: 1. Iraq has WMDs. 2. We'll be greeted as liberators. 3. No insurgency. 4. All q's followed by u's. 5. Oil revenue will pay for war. ... Number 19,021. Iraqi army training on schedule. 19,022. Hummus left out won't spoil. 19,023. Not everything explodes. 19,024. Constitution by August 15th. ... Is there a fuck up they can't make seem like it was their intention all along? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tony Blair said yesterday that "extremists are no longer welcome in the U.K." So even Tony Blair is trying to distance himself from President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It's like he's still in the National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation — the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the Oil lobby are just giving money to each other. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush signed an energy bill in New Mexico last week. He had a simple clear message for all Americans, he said the economy is moving. It's moving to China and Korea and Taiwan, but it's moving. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

After President Bush signed the new transportation bill, he said it's not just enough to sign the bill — people have to show up and do the work. Then he went back to his five-week vacation. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil. — Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 11, 2005

The Onion Nails US Energy Policy Humor

The Onion weighs in on US energy policy. Excerpt:

President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative Monday that would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the year 4920, less than three millennia from now. [...]

Bush called on both Democrats and Republicans living 1,200 years from now to work together to pass the program. [...]

Some industrialists, particularly major auto manufacturers, expressed reservation over Bush's initiative.

"As admirable as Mr. Bush's visionary pronouncement is, I worry that the timetable he proposes is far too ambitious," General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner Jr. said. "It is simply not realistic. The automotive industry would require an additional three or four thousand years to develop engines that can run effectively on renewable or cleaner-burning fuels."

We laugh to keep from crying.

Posted by Jonathan at 08:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a radio speech this weekend Bush said I will not be satisfied until every American who wants to work can find a job. Then Bush went back to his five-week vacation. — Conan O'Brien

President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news — he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush talked tough today. He said he's not backing out, he's staying the course for as long as it takes. He's in it for the long haul. Not Iraq — his 5-week vacation. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See, a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's been a tough week for the Bush family. First, close friend and Orioles baseball player Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for steroids and, on Monday, Bush friend King Fahad of Saudi Arabia tested negative for being alive. — Jon Stewart

President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're only supposed to be allowed two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 05, 2005

Friday Afternoon Fun Humor  Science/Technology

Take a break, it's Friday. Go here and check out these amazing optical illusions. Simply stunning. We think seeing is believing, without realizing how much our brains pre-condition our "raw" perceptions.

More Friday fun: an inventory of possible ways to destroy the Earth. (Not just ruin it, but blast it to smithereens.) A whole lot funnier — and more interesting — than it sounds. Had me laughing out loud.

TGIF.

[Thanks, Kent]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:42 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years — that's about the national average isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas ranch to unwind. I'm thinking: when does he wind? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush had his physical a couple days ago and doctors say that President Bush is likely our most fit president in the history of the United States. That means if anything happens to Cheney he can jump in and take over...Bush passed his physical — no word yet on his mental. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for god's sakes people, we're not maniacs! It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you! — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today the White House instituted a new don't ask, don't tell policy. The bad news — it's for Supreme Court nominees...The White House announced that the public would not be allowed see the memos produced by John Roberts when he represented the United States government as a lawyer. They say this is because of the attorney-client privilege. Here's the part I don't understand — he represented the United States. We're the client, he's our lawyer. Shouldn't we be allowed to see our own notes? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House has changed their slogan from the war on terror to the global struggle against violent extremism. Well that just rolls off the tongue. Is that a good idea, giving President Bush more syllables to pronounce? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was so hot down in Florida, Jeb Bush was rigging ice machines. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 29, 2005

A Super Straight Guy Humor  Media

If you're a fan of The Daily Show (and if you're not, you should be), I think you'll get a kick out of this interview with Stephen Colbert. Excerpt:

Q: When you were developing your 'super straight guy' look and sound, which actual media personalities did you model yourself after?

COLBERT: First of all, I am a super straight guy. I grew up in Charleston, South Carolina, and I am perfectly comfortable in blue blazers, khaki pants, Brooks Brothers suits and regimental striped ties. It's just genetic. I love a cocktail party with completely vacuous conversation, because I grew up in it.

But in terms of who I channel, my natural inclination was Stone Phillips, who has the greatest neck in journalism. And he's got the most amazingly severe head tilt at the end of tragic statements, like "there were no...survivors." He just tilts his head a bit on that "survivors" as if to say "It's true. It's sad. There were none."

Q: Plus, his name has that sort of Republican porn star vibe to it.

COLBERT: Exactly, if it were Stone Fill-Up then it would really be a porn star name.

Read the rest here.

(Thanks, Maurice)

Posted by Jonathan at 03:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It looks like there may be more people than just Karl Rove involved in this White House leaking scandal that's been going on. They are saying information may also have been leaked by the Vice President Dick Cheney's top aide — a man named Scooter Libby. Let me tell you something right now. That is not a good name to have if you're going to prison. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House announced today that President Bush is on the last page of the Harry Potter book. Apparently, he's reading it backward. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 07:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On this date in 1990 the first President Bush signed into law the Americans with Disabilities Act, which allowed, of course, his son George W. to become president of the United States. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:55 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

July 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy [for the Supreme Court]. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses. — Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

Posted by Jonathan at 01:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last week (President Bush) unveiled his pick with his mastery of the rhetorically obvious. [clip of Bush:"When a president chooses a justice he's placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law."] So you're going with a human are you? Eeeeeeexcellent." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 07:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind — so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:50 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court — John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties. — David Letterman

You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier today President Bush says that he doesn't want to act too quickly and he doesn't want to act before he has all the facts. And I thought, this doesn't sound like the President Bush I know...President Bush does say he'll stand by Karl Rove, and you know what that means — he'll be gone in a week. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff — not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble for allegedly leaking the name of a CIA operative...This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said "Mission Accomplished." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is down to two choices for picking a Supreme Court judge — Yahoo and Google. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove — then I'll believe it's true. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 15, 2005

Gays Teaching Evolution Humor  Media

Matt Taibbi explains modern American news media, here.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:06 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is a tough situation for President Bush because he and Rove are very close. And a friend of both was quoted saying today they finish each other's sentences. Although I am pretty sure Bush starts the sentence, and then the other guy finishes. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, "Finally, a literary reference I can understand." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House has also said that President Bush has begun his formal process of selecting his first nominee for the Supreme Court by reviewing key rulings. Now we all like President Bush, but do you think he spends a lot of his free time reading a bunch of legal rulings? How many think President Bush's selection process falls in the category of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to let the government seize a person's house and give it to a private developer if they think a city or town could make more money by giving your property to someone else. They can take your property. This falls under the rule "One man's home is another man's Wal-Mart." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know whose birthday it was the other day? President Bush turned 59 years old. ... If you haven't gotten him a gift yet, you know you can't go wrong with an exit strategy for Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The other day in Scotland, President Bush was riding his bike when he collided with a police officer and fell off. He could have avoided the collision but, you know, he refuses to go left.

See, personally, I blame the police officer. I mean, he should have heard President Bush coming with all those baseball cards in the spokes.

What does a bicycle have to do with the war in Iraq? President Bush doesn't know how to stop either one of them. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush had a minor bike accident the other day. The White House physician said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time. It's apparently hard to tip one of those things, too. It got caught in the colored streamers. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the Iranian election was invalid and the winner was no friend to democracy. To which Al Gore said, "Hey, tell me about it." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Saddam Hussein's guards are giving interviews. It's with GQ magazine. That's the magazine for dictators on the go. ... Apparently Saddam likes Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Froot Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, "He hates Froot Loops; he's more evil than I thought." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We recently had the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn't be trusted to tell the American people the truth — thirty-three years ago, but it feels like yesterday. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 04, 2005

"I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty" Humor

Bush plays dress-up for the Fourth Of July. From Digby:

Posted by Jonathan at 11:53 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House. As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don't worry, there is no oil either so we won't be going back. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is talking up his economic plan these days. In a speech today, President Bush said his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. ... Bush said my plan will help if you're a billionaire — or even just a millionaire. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush is doing anything he can now to boost his popularity. In fact, tomorrow he will be jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you folks see President Bush's speech the other night, the special address? ... He said many, many, improvements have been made in Iraq. For example, the roads have been improved, the schools have been improved, medical care has improved. Now if only that could happen here. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

How many of you saw President Bush's address on TV? Did you see it? I was surprised. Apparently the war in Iraq is going quite well. Bush highlighted his successes. The Iraqi election is a highlight, improving homeland security — that is a big improvement — capturing Russell Crowe. But the president did admit there are problems. The war is dragging on, of course, the economy is down, gas prices are going up, and then he left on his two-month vacation. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its "24/7 news coverage of car bombs," which "tends to leave a certain impression." You know, that's so true. You never hear about the cars that DON'T blow up. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 28, 2005

Jon Stewart Looks At The "Last Throes" Humor  Iraq  Politics

Stop what you're doing and watch this clip from "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart", courtesy of Crooks and Liars. Stewart and Stephen Colbert look at the administration's weirdly rosy appraisals of the situation in Iraq.

Once again, we have to ask why the best news analysis on tv is coming from a comedy show.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Oil is up to 60 dollars a barrel. In fact, today President Bush declared war on Alaska. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

One of the biggest problems in Iraq right now is agreeing on a constitution. They should just do what Washington does — have a constitution, just don't use it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush welcomed Vietnam's prime minister to the White House. He promised the prime minister he would travel to Vietnam next year — that is, unless his dad can get him out of it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the US Official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: "The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

June 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said it would be wrong to create an artificial time table for getting out of Iraq. You think that's true? We went in for artificial reasons, based on artificial intelligence — why not have an artificial time table to get out? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to an interview in GQ magazine, Saddam Hussein says he wishes to be friends with George Bush. Isn't that ironic? The one foreign leader who reaches out to President Bush and it's Saddam Hussein. The one ally we have. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 07:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will meet with the first prime minister from Vietnam to visit the U.S. in thirty years. You know why he's coming here? It's a lot easier to come here then to get Bush to go to Vietnam. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey — that's our system. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A cable access show has a character called "Dick Smart", and it was a talking penis, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on the TV. Fox News reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently he still hasn't found Waldo. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Bush administration is now resisting calls to shut down the prison at Guantanamo Bay. They said while it's true many prisoners have not been charged with a specific crime, they are sure that each one has done something bad that deserves punishment. Well, you can say the same thing about half the people who work at the White House. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is in a little trouble this week. President Bush's approval rating has dropped to its lowest point since he took office. In fact Bush's ratings are so low he's been offered a show on NBC. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld — he's in the news twice this week because twice he's made statements that conflicted with statements made by President Bush. They're disagreeing a lot. As a result, Rumsfeld had to back down and admit that SpongeBob is way cooler than Pokemon. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A lot of Republicans have come forward to criticize Howard Dean about his latest comments about the Republican Party. Let me tell you something — if Dean wants to insult you and make outrageous statements he should do what the Republicans do and get a talk show on Fox News. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It has been revealed that John Kerry's grades — everybody thought he was the smart one — he and Bush went to Yale together. His grades were lower than President Bush's. That's like losing a spelling bee to Jessica Simpson. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Supreme Court has ruled against medical marijuana, but they said nothing about recreational marijuana, so go crazy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked President Bush to join him in asking other countries to forgiving Africa's debt. President Bush said he would like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Camden, N.J., an 80-year-old has been working as a prostitute — or, as people are calling it, the Bush Social Security plan. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

One of the topics Bush and Blair talked about was debt relief for Africa. Bush unveiled his plan, he wants to give everyone in Africa a tax cut. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Deep Throat, the main source in the Watergate investigation, has been identified. Which would be big news if it was 1975. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard the news. He said "What?!? Deep Throat was a guy?!?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The buzz in Washington is Vice President Cheney is considering running in 2008. Not for president — just for exercise. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Dick Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University over the weekend. He told the graduates he actually dropped out of Yale. He dropped out of Yale! You know what that means? Bush could be the smart one! — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Pat Buchanan, Bob Novak and G. Gordon Liddy don't like Mark Felt. Mark Felt is truly a great man. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 12:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Actually Mr. President, "dissemble" means to not tell the truth, "disassemble" is what we did to Iraq" — Jon Stewart, on the latest Bushism

Posted by Jonathan at 03:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 03, 2005

Must-See TV Humor  Iraq  Politics

There's probably only one news show on corporate television that's worth watching anymore, and it isn't even a news show, it's a comedy show. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about the state of corporate media.

Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, here's a must-see segment from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on US "progress" in Iraq.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:33 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We got big trouble overseas. In Afghanistan they're rioting because they got wind of the fact that American soldiers flushed the Koran down the toilet. This is the kind of thing that makes us very unsafe because it makes jihadists want to kill us. But I got to give it to Halliburton, they make a heavy-duty toilet. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases around the country. If the Bush administration wants to close military bases, how about we start with the ones with Iraq? You know when President Bush first thought about closing bases? When he was in the National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A lot of critics are now saying Darth Vader is like President Bush. I dunno, you think that's true? I don't think so. Napoleon Dynamite maybe. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station. He said that hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future. You know I'm not sure president Bush really understands hydrogen. Like he kept trying to take a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I read today that Star Wars made 58 million dollars in one day. That broke the previous record set by Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The big rumor in Washington, Dick Cheney may run for president. Let's hope that's just a Newsweek story. Cheney says he wants to run because there is still a lot of unfinished business. Like, did you know there are still countries that don't hate us? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The U.S. Army has a new program that will allow soldiers to leave the service a couple years before their full four year contract is up. They can leave early. This is based on a plan developed by President Bush when he was in the National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

May 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The FBI said today that the hand grenade that was thrown near President Bush was real and could have exploded. You know what that means? This was the closest Bush has ever come to finding weapons of mass destruction. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turns soy beans into a clean-burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House is still very upset about [the Newsweek article]. They said Newsweek should have retracted the story as soon they found out they got its facts wrong. If we pulled back every time we got our facts wrong, we wouldn't even be in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek magazine. Newsweek is angry as well, and wants to know who read the story to President Bush. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is really getting on this alternative fuel thing. Did you hear about President Bush's new plan for solar energy? He's going to send troops to the sun. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. ... The administration said the closing of the bases will allow us to fund another unnecessary war. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House said today the Newsweek report has damaged the US image overseas. And, believe me, when it comes to damaging the US image overseas, the White House knows what it's talking about. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush came out today for alternative fuels. He said he looks forward to the day when America invades a country for its soybeans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The big non-story this week was the plane that came near the White House and did nothing. But when President Bush heard there was a plane nearing an important building, he was immediately rushed to a middle school so he could sit there like a lump. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be out of that country in two years. ... The bad news is they'll be next door in Iran. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tony Blair was re-elected for the third time. This is great news for the White House because without Tony Blair, who is there to translate the Bush foreign policy into English?" — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

At the time of the alert, Dick Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:28 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This is absolutely true. During the scare [when the approach of a small plane caused the evacuation of the White House] Vice President Cheney was inside working while President Bush was outside riding his bicycle. So it was a typical day at the White House. Remember the last time this kind of thing happened, he was reading a children's book. This time he was riding a bicycle. How old his he — 12? ... You laugh, but as soon as they gave the all-clear he went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was in Russia all this week. Today he was in the Republic of Georgia and he told the Georgian people he feels very close to them because once, during the Vietnam War, he served in Alabama. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 11, 2005

Kurt Vonnegut's Bumper Sticker Environment  Humor

Paul Krassner says Kurt Vonnegut has a suggestion for a bumper sticker:

Your Planet's Immune System Is Trying to Get Rid of You

Not a good sign when your own Mother considers you an antigen. We can do better.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his biggest decision ever on the environment, President Bush has moved to open up 1/3 of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial adventures. This is part of the "No Tree Left Behind" program. In fact, if you'd like to see any one of our giant redwoods, they'll be at Home Depot next weekend. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's bitch. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 07:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said today that Social Security could be going bankrupt. He said the good news is that it won't happen for at least 50 years and by that time you won't even have to worry about Social Security because the temperature of the Earth will be 158 degrees. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all bribes in pesos. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I have some exciting news. In Britain, in a Democratic election, Tony Blair has been rewarded with a third term as prime minister. And I just want to say for me — I'm sorry. It's a little emotional to see democracy flourish in that part of the world. I'm not saying that it's because of the Iraqi war — but it did happen after. They said that you couldn't bring democracy to those scone-eating, tea-drinking bastards and I said "No, everyone yearns to be free." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Laura Bush was a big hit at the White House Correspondents Dinner. This is something new for the Bush family — intentional comedy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president knew in advance Laura Bush was going to speak, but he never saw the material. Basically the same way he handles the intelligence briefings. He knows they're there but doesn't know what they say. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You saw that Bush press conference the other night. Did you see him at the end of it? He said I don't want to cut into some of these TV shows that are getting ready to air and he literally went off the air so that Paris Hilton's reality show could go on. Talk about a contrast — a dizzy socialite trying to function in a real job — and then Paris Hilton's show. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you hear about this a big scare down in Washington D.C. the other day? Something weird shows up on the radar so the Secret Service guys grab President Bush and they go way down in a bunker. And nobody ever knew about it before. It's a hidden bunker. It's the same place where Tom DeLay picks up his cash payments. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I guess you all heard about the big scare at the White House the other day. You know about this? A false alarm about a plane violating White House airspace caused the Secret Service to evacuate the president from the Oval Office. When the Secret Service told President Bush there might be an incoming plane, out of force of habit he got out a copy of "My Pet Goat" and started reading it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the world energy scene — Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and then led him by the hand into his ranch — confirming the long standing rumor that the president is, in fact, queer for oil. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out a little bit better than their fight against terrorism. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton is in trouble because Colin Powell, among other noted Republicans, is on the anti-Bolton band-wagon. He's down to Bush, who supported Bolton yesterday, and, of course, his biggest friend, his biggest backer — Dick Cheney. Apparently Cheney and Bolton are so close that one is always finishing the other's obscene tirade. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president was supposed to spend Earth Day at a national park in Tennessee, but it had to be canceled because there was a freak hail storm. So, instead, they had a photo op at the airport, because nothing says conservation like an oil man standing in front of a 747. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this

April 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Down in Washington D.C. the feds jumped a guy who was behaving suspiciously and carrying two large suitcases. Turns out it kind of had a funny ending: he's not a terrorist and the suitcases were full of cash for Tom Delay. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:01 PM | Comments (2) | Link to this

April 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A man in West Bend, Wisconsin who bought a shirt at the local goodwill store found $2,000 stuffed inside the pocket, isn't that amazing? The more amazing part is how did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The cardinals said they have to be very careful in the process of electing a new pope because the pope will be interpreting God's law for them. You know, kind of the way Republican leaders do for us in this country. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals first game at RFK Stadium. The umpire called it a ball and Bush appealed it to his friends at the Supreme Court and they made it a strike. The pitch was high and to the right. Just like President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market — good timing! What was the second choice? The national bank of Iraq? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day in several years and the third straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side... your Social Security money isn't in there yet. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Friends say that each day President Bush spends two hours playing video games. Now let's think about this — there's a war in Iraq, gas prices have never been higher and what is he working on? Getting Spiderman to the third level. ...Yeah George loves video games. His favorite? Grand Theft Election. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They claim now that President Bush spends two hours a day playing video games. Here's the good news: that's two hours less that he spends being president. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 03:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's spring time. It was so nice in Washington today Tom DeLay was accepting cash in the park. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know how the pope is chosen? The cardinals all vote and then the ballots are burned. You know — the same thing we did in Florida back in 2000. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned Iraq's new leaders against hiring their friends and family members for government jobs — and then Majority Leader Tom Delay gave the rebuttal. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 13, 2005

One-Take Georgie Humor  Politics

Go to dNeXT and watch what our Preznit does between takes. Takes the Lord's name in vain, for one thing. Don't miss it.

[Via Atrios]

Posted by Jonathan at 11:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The College of Cardinals has set the date of April 18th for the secret vote. What they do is an elite group of robed figures meet behind closed doors and they choose the new leader. Today Bush said "Yeah, that's how I got elected the first time." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush went to the Pope's funeral, and out of reverence he was at half-smirk. ... It was kind of touch and go there for the president because they showed his face on the giant TV screen outside the Vatican where the millions were, and people booed. It could have been worse. Wait until they hear his Social Security plan. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It took almost a week, but they finally buried the pope. It would have been faster, but as of last month, no one dies now without permission of Congress. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as "just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions, words, and illegal doings." — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Right now, all the world leaders are headed to Rome. President Bush flew to the Vatican today, and he told reporters he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. Then, here's the bad part, Bush added, "I was also a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval is at an all-time low of 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we can invade. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval rating is now the lowest it has ever been. In fact, here is how unpopular President Bush is right now. Today, the U.S. told Bush they're pulling out of the coalition. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

They say this time there will be repercussions. The officers who told Bush the lies he wanted to hear will either be fired, suspended, or transferred to work on Social Security. — Bill Maher, on the latest report on Iraq intelligence failures

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 03, 2005

Sean Hannity, Nobel Prize Nominee Humor

Sean Hannity, nominee for the Nobel Prize in Physics. Who knew?

Posted by Jonathan at 01:16 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There was a big screw up on American Idol. The phone voting was all mixed up. They had a complete revote tonight. That's what I love about our country. When there's a voting problem with our presidential election, what did that take, three months? When some stupid karaoke show has a voting problem... Oh my God! Get on the phones, and the next day it's fixed. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

First Lady Laura Bush visited Afghanistan this week. The first lady said she once wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan and always wanted to visit it. And, ironically, President Bush also wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan. He was at Yale at the time. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval rating is at an all time low of 45%. That's below F. Bush is now doing worse as president then he did in high school... President Bush is very concerned about it. He said, "If this keeps up I'll never get elected to a third term." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Down in Washington they had the annual big Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn. No eggs were actually found but President Bush continues to claim that they're there. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 07:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent — the lowest ever for him. The White House blames it on the fact that Bush hasn't invaded anyone in three years. ... To give you an idea how low his approval rating is, only three of the nine Supreme Court justices would vote for him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It was reported today the the United States Marine Corps is having difficulty meeting their recruiting quotas. ... in fact the new slogan is "The Few, The Fewer, The Marines." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

India is upset with President Bush because Bush has agreed to sell F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan, which India doesn't want. And this could cause a problem because if the U.S. goes through with the sale, India says they will stop answering our computer questions. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Vice President Dick Cheney got a big pay raise last week. He was only making 53 dollars a barrel this week he's making 57 dollars a barrel. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It appears the parents of Terry Schiavo have run out of options. The Supreme Court declined to intervene, thus representing the 10th legal judgment in favor of Mrs. Schiavo's husband and guardian, Michael — meaning the Schiavo feeding tube will soon be removed from the cable news networks. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congress recently conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion — the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons. — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 11:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 23, 2005

Black Humor Humor

Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, a hilarious rant from the Daily Show's Lewis Black.

Posted by Jonathan at 06:04 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Poor Man In Da House Humor

The Poor Man reveals today's House agenda.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:48 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There is a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha Stewart's whereabouts. Nothing yet on al Qaeda. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:24 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this

March 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip — give us money for Iraq. ... It's the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule — we broke it, you bought it. — Jon Stewart, on Bush's European tour

Posted by Jonathan at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The White House announced they are looking for a new chef. The candidate must be able to prepare formal dinners, serve meals to the president and make a good choo choo noise. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

When President Bush was in Europe, he went to Germany. He stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with "Ich Bin ein frankfurter." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as "mildly pro-choice," which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 02:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: "We'll Go Through Iran"

WASHINGTON, DC — Almost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush unveiled the coalition forces' strategy for exiting Iraq.

"I'm pleased to announce that the Department of Defense and I have formulated a plan for a speedy withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq," Bush announced Monday morning. "We'll just go through Iran."

Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran's longtime enemy Saddam Hussein, should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state.

"And Iran's so nearby," Bush said.

The Onion

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to a recent safety survey, Baghdad is the world's most dangerous city. After hearing about this President Bush was quoted as saying "Oh now you tell me." — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of "Meet the Press" with Russert: "What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?" Davis: "Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time."] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with... baseball??? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I can understand how [Michael Jackson] would be nervous. The witness on the stand yesterday, by all accounts he is very believable and every credible — until he started talking about how Social Security was going bankrupt. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. [Clip of Bush: "When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners."] Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners. [Clip of Bush: "Iran is not Iraq."] Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

On the tapes President Bush criticized Al Gore. Remember Al Gore admitted to using marijuana? Bush said he would never would answer that question because he wants to set a good example for kids. He doesn't ever want them to say "Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, so I will." So now instead when parents say "Son have you been smoking dope?" they can say "Hey Daddy, President Bush didn't answer that question, and I'm not going to answer it either." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 12, 2005

Wolcott On Wanking Humor

James Wolcott's latest: a typically droll reverie on the "psychosociohistorical ramifications of masturbation." He begins with an account of a priest's "special talk" for the edification of the youthful Wolcott and his male classmates. Excerpt:

Unlike priests of yore, who condemned masturbation as a sin, the first stumble towards damnation, this enlightened father took a more character-building tack, saying that what was wrong with fondling yourself was that it was "selfish."

I must have made a face because the priest looked at me and asked me to say what was on my mind.

"But, Father," I piped up, "some things can't be shared."

Yes, I was quite the little comedian. And to the priest's credit, he rolled his eyes as if to say, This is what I have to put up with, and resumed his regular broadcast. Had I popped off like that to a nun, I might still be afraid to go to sleep without a night light. They were not to be trifled with.

Read the rest — climaxing, so to speak, with the real reason for the fall of the British Empire — here.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:02 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said "Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Iran said recently they will not shoot down any of our drones. You know what our drones are? They're those planes without any pilots. We got the idea for that from Bush and the National Guard. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's parents called him this week and said, "You cannot have another war until you've finished the ones you've started." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush's Social Security plan is in trouble, and Republicans are angry. They say everyone is attacking it and it is still a work in progress. They said, "Of course it's not clear what the solution is — we're still inventing the problem." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means: war with Syria. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

During his European trip, President Bush had dinner with the French President Jacques Chirac. In one kind of awkward moment, President Chirac gave Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower and Bush said "Oh this is great a little oil rig! I love it!" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Despite the president's best efforts, all evidence suggests lingering public skepticism about his proposal to reform Social Security, particularly amongst retired people. In fact, a whole American association of them has come out against it. I speak of course of the AARP. ... The 35-million member group is running several national ads claiming the Social Security program is basically sound and not in need of a major overhaul. And these are old people. They hate everything. ... But according to USA Next, a rival lobbying group, the AARP's real agenda is anti-troop and pro-gay marriage. ... USA Next is brought to you by the same backers who brought you last year's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. So you know their heart is in the right place. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:28 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is home from his European adventure. ... Thank God he is safe because he's not that popular over there. To ensure his safety they had to seal off whole areas of towns, they screened everyone who got within a mile of him and, most importantly, they sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 03, 2005

Moron Of The Year Humor  Media

Go check out this post at Time Magazine's Blog of the Year. Commenting on the Academy Awards show:

One "Chris Rock," the host, whom I've never otherwise heard of, led off with an idiotic anti-Bush tirade. $70 trillion? Interesting statistic. What was noteworthy was not the host, who obviously knows nothing, but the crowd — every single person there laughed and applauded.

Dude, could you possibly be any more clueless? Any more pompous? Any more white?

Chris Rock, whom you've never heard of, but who — obviously — is way smarter than you, is, um, a comedian? As in, teller of jokes? And "$70 trillion" was, you know, comedy?

[Link via The Talent Show, who also has Chris Rock's monologue here.]

Posted by Jonathan at 06:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Russia has agreed to help Iran build a nuclear reactor. Yeah, because when you think well-built nuclear reactor, you think Russia. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 02, 2005

Boondocks On Bush's Marijuana Use Humor


Posted by Jonathan at 02:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The United Nations said today that by the year 2050 the world population will have increased by 40% — mostly in countries that struggle to provide adequate health care and education. Hey, that's us! — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Germany, President Bush last week, you know he was there, just got back. Thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Let me tell you something, that's when you know you've accomplished something — when Germans think you're invading too much. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, "You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush says the idea that the U.S. is going to be attacking Iran is ridiculous and you know what that means? We will be attacking Iran. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush is denying reports today that he plans to invade Iran. Oh, we're still going to invade, we just don't have any plans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

George W. Bush admitted that he once smoked marijuana. Yeah, he said he would like to get high and then listen to John Ashcroft sing "Let the Eagle Soar." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 24, 2005

Apple vs. Microsoft Humor

Engineering humor:

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as Microsoft engineers always do) on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

[Thanks, Kevan]

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said "That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 23, 2005

Today's Bush Jokes Humor

There was a story about this old friend of George W. Bush's — they would have long conversations on the telephone — and this friend tapped these conversations. And now he's written a book. It's a horrible thing to have happened. But in these tapes, President Bush admits at one time he tried marijuana...And I know what you're thinking. How the hell did someone trick George W. Bush? — David Letterman

President Bush is in Europe. He's going to Brussels, he's going to Germany, and then he's going to Amsterdam to get some primo weed. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 22, 2005

Busted Humor

Choose your roommates carefully. They may videotape you. [via Silt]

Posted by Jonathan at 06:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp of Ronald Reagan today. I can't wait for the George W. Bush stamp. That's when your letter goes to Iraq for no reason and the stamp can't explain why. — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

February 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The President said today that the United States does not intend to attack Iran. But then he said, "But you never want a president to say 'never.'" And he said if his position does change, he will make that information public in the time-honored, appropriate manner: by leaking it to a gay prostitute. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 20, 2005

Must-See TV: Bill Maher On "Jeff Gannon" Humor  Media  Politics

Go here and watch Bill Maher and his guests Lesley Stahl, Robin Williams, and Joe Biden discuss "Jeff Gannon".

Great stuff. Don't miss it.

[Thanks, Jeanne]

Posted by Jonathan at 01:38 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Here's some interesting presidential trivia — historians this week named Warren G. Harding the dumbest president of all time. I understand President Bush is demanding a recount. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In a new book just coming out, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the dumbest president of all time. After hearing this President Bush said "Tanya Harding was president?" — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:39 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President George Bush is requesting an additional $82 billion — $82 billion for war funding. Of course that would include Afghanistan, Iraq, and a country to be named later. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 17, 2005

Must-See TV Humor  Media  Politics

Jon Stewart's Daily Show weighs in on blogging and the "Jeff Gannon" affair. Go here and click on the image with the caption "Blog Cabin Republican." Enjoy.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:35 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago.

[Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: "The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S."]

Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation... it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of: we have no idea what we are doing. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. President Bush said today North Korea has nothing to fear from America. He said "don't these people understand we only attack countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, "President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bush's new budget proposal's cut $1.1 billion from the federal food stamp program. I guess the president feels if rich people aren't going to get their full tax cut for a while, the poor people with food stamps should have to help out too. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 13, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day From James Wolcott Humor

Spend a delightful few minutes with the pungent wit of James Wolcott as he meditates on the vagaries of romance and the futility of advice for the lovelorn. Recommended.

Posted by Jonathan at 02:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In other news in Iraq: a new sense of the Islamic fundamentalist light at the end of the tunnel. As the fundamentalist parties won in a landslide, Dick Cheney was heard to say, "Shi'ite!" on the floor of the Senate. — Michael Feldman

[Thanks, Jeanne]

Posted by Jonathan at 12:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran. — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 01:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 11, 2005

Bonus Bush Joke Humor

Condoleezza Rice has warned Iran to stop its nuclear program. They say stop the nuclear program or face the next step. ... The next step being fabrication of evidence and then we march right in. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:55 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales started his first week on the job. Remember those two naked statues that John Ashcroft had covered up when he took the job? Well they're naked again, but now they just have leashes around their necks. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.). — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Everybody was commenting that Stephen Breyer was the only Supreme Court justice at the State of the Union. But it turns out that is not true. It turns out Justice Scalia was there. He was in Dick Cheney's pocket. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice left for Europe this morning with a plan to visit every country that sided with the U.S. in the war on Iraq. She should be back in about a half an hour. — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching — the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:38 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

This week the mayor of Baghdad said he would like to erect a statue of President Bush in the middle of the city. Then the mayor of Baghdad said, unfortunately there is no middle of the city. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 04, 2005

Manly Men Humor

It must be Friday afternoon...

If you've never heard this song ("Manly Men" by Greg Keeler), give a listen.

Posted by Jonathan at 02:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The other night in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio. — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, "We're so close to that oil, I can taste it." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his inauguration speech President Bush said that as a country we have a calling from "beyond the stars." You know what this means? He's drinking again. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 30, 2005

Sauce For The Goose Culture  Humor  Religion

Eric Olson at Deep Blade Journal turned me on to Bob Park's weekly blog. Park is a physicist who posts a handful of items each week on science and technology in the news, together with his own sardonic commentary. Recommended.

Here's something from Park's blog this week. As you probably know, Cobb County, Georgia, wants disclaimer labels to be required on high school biology textbooks:

This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

Fair enough, says Park. After all, "[s]cience is open. If someone comes up with a better theory, the textbooks will be rewritten." But, fair's fair: let's put warning labels on Cobb County Bibles as well. Park suggests:

This book contains religious stories regarding the origin of living things. The stories are theories, not facts. They are unproven, unprovable and in some cases totally impossible. This material should be approached with an open mind, and a critical eye towards logic and believability.

Amen, Brothers and Sisters. Amen.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:27 PM | Comments (3) | Link to this

January 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush held the first news conference of in his second term against the back drop of revelations that the administration has been paying columnists to report favorably on their policies and other reporters complaints about strong arm tactics and lock step spin. [Clip of Bush: "There needs to be a nice independent relationship between the White House and the press and the administration and the press."] Absolutely. Completely independent. The White House has its press and you guys can have yours. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 28, 2005

Social Security Cartoon Humor  Social Security

Good one.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase "contentious but futile protest vote by democrats." By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

CNN is reporting that a longtime friend of President Bush says that Bush is telling everyone, in the next four years he intends to be "really aggressive". "Really aggressive"? In the past four years we launched what, two wars? What's "really aggressive" going to look like? What, are we gonna bomb Canada now?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Here is an interesting piece of inaugural history. Do you know which of our presidents had the shortest inauguration speech? Al Gore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There was one kind of embarrassing moment during the inauguration — Chief Justice William Rehnquist told President Bush, "Repeat after me" and Bush said, "After me." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush announced today that he wanted to institute a test to insure that high school students are reading at their grade level. Bush said the program was necessary because a lot of their students weren't reading at their grade level; they were reading at presidential level. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

News from Washington: Condoleezza Rice says there are no plans to invade North Korea, which can only mean one thing — they don't have any oil. — Craig Ferguson

Posted by Jonathan at 11:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Did you hear about this? The U.S. is sending a top secret reconnaissance team into Iran. How secret can it be if a dumbass like me knows about it? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 20, 2005

Bonus Bush Joke Humor

Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan said that the president's second inaugural speech usually refers to all their accomplishments of the past four years. So the good news it should be a pretty short speech. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Caption Contest Humor

This photo from today's inauguration cries out for a caption contest.

Submit your entries in the comments.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:46 PM | Comments (10) | Link to this

Doonesbury On CIA Torture Training Ethics  Humor  Iraq

In today's Doonesbury, an instructor leads a class on interrogation techniques for a group of CIA trainees.

Instructor — Okay, so here are the key interrogation protocols we'll be covering...

Instructor: Stress positions, sleep and sensory deprivation, temperature control, dog handling, cigarette burns, hooding and beating.

Instructor: But remember, there is one thing that leadership — from the President on down — will NEVER again tolerate at our detention centers...

This sounds hopeful. What could it be?

Instructor: ...digital cameras.

Student: What about cell phone cams?

Welcome to four more years of moral squalor.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

The Daily Show On Finding No WMD Humor  Iraq  Politics

Go here, and click on the image/link above "Mess O' Potamia: Hunt for WMDs". Funny, but maddening as well. As always, it takes The Daily Show to fully expose the nakedness of our newly-inaugurated Emperor.

My favorite part is the final 30 seconds, which shows White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan spinning the announcement that the administration had abandoned the search for WMD. What you see, in quick succession, are the many times in that one press briefing where McClellan invoked 9/11 in explaining why the Iraq invasion was still justified and necessary despite the complete absence of the WMD that had been presented as the rationale for war. 9/11, which, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with Iraq.

And just to be clear: this press briefing was just eight days ago. I.e., they are still cranking out whatever fog they can to link Iraq and 9/11 in people's minds.

Most politicians bend the truth at least some of the time, some do it almost all of the time. This White House, however, are the worst bunch of liars I can remember. The resulting debasement of political discourse may be irreparable — at least, until long after these thugs have passed from the scene.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:42 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

At her confirmation hearing as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. You know what that means — we're running low on ammunition. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview in USA Today, President Bush said he is not wasting any more money on programs that are not working. Well that's good news. I guess the war in Iraq is over. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 18, 2005

Hate Microsoft? Humor

Then you'll love this (scroll down) and this.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

So the president doesn't read the papers. The only real information he gets he gets from his loyal aides and even when he goes to a town hall meeting, to meet the people, they have been pre-selected. Our president is living in "The Truman Show". Nothing happens around him that isn't planned. I don't even think he knows we're out here watching. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 07:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The United States has stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So two years of looking, one war and the closest we came to it was a pound and a half of rancid mutton. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 07:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush says now, boy this is unbelievable, Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. Oh! I'll be darned. But President Bush says there is strong evidence that Saddam Hussein had an illegal nanny. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:23 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Next week President Bush will be sworn in, once again, as president of the United States. This will mark only the second time in four years that he's had his hand on a book. Of course, this inauguration will be a lot less crowded then the last one because we have much fewer allies. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

We have officially stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And as you know we didn't find any. Thank God we found that out before we did anything crazy! Imagine if we had gone in there before we found that out! — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush admitted today that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote. The east, the west, the north, and the south. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has announced that he and his wife are getting divorced. See, I know that town should have never allowed straights to get married. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has been working on his inaugural. Not the actual speech, but the word inaugural. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Trent Lott, who is in charge of the entertainment for the inaugural ceremony, announced that one of the performers at the event this year will be a singer from the Lawrence Welk show, who will sing a song written by John Ashcroft. Who says Republicans don't know how to party? A singer from the Lawrence Welk show singing a song written by John Ashcroft? If they did that at Guantanamo Bay the Red Cross would declare cruel and unusual punishment. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 09, 2005

Bumper Sticker Humor

Somebody just pulled into the parking lot outside with this bumper sticker:

Cute. I liked it, I looked it up on the web, and a minute later it's on my blog. Amazing times we're livin' in, eh?

Posted by Jonathan at 03:38 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Bush administration is proposing a change in the social security system. They want to cut benefits in nearly a third in the next twenty or thirty years. The new program is called "good luck grandma you're on your own." You've fallen and you can get up. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:04 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Some exciting news coming out of Washington. The new cabinet there has exciting new ideas. They have found a way to eliminate the Social Security crisis and the war in Iraq — draft the elderly. — Craig Furgeson

Posted by Jonathan at 09:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 06, 2005

Bill Hicks On Dinosaurs In The Bible Humor

Apropos the post below, here's an audio clip from the late, great comedian Bill Hicks: "Dinosaurs in the Bible," from the CD Philosophy: The Best of Bill Hicks. Recorded shortly after Bush Senior was defeated, hence the reference to "Bush".

Fair warning: contains Cheneyesque language.

MP3 (2.8 MB)

Windows media (2.2 MB)

Posted by Jonathan at 08:03 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You may recall immediately after news of the tsunami broke the Bush administration pledged aid to the region in the amount of 15 million dollars. A bold statement to the world that America is willing to spend about as much on the victims of the greatest natural tragedy in recent history as it was willing to spend on the first week of "Spanglish." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush was shocked to hear Yushenko won Ukraine's run-off election. He said, "I didn't even know Weird Al was running." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In Cuba, Fidel Castro says that they have found a drilling site in Cuba with 100 million barrels of oil. Boy, how long before Bush says, "People of Cuba, we are here to free you! You will no longer live under oppression and tyranny." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Here in New York on New Year's Eve, thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there said it was just like the Republican Convention, but with black people. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:33 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 02, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Things are not looking good for Donald Rumsfeld. First Sen. John McCain said he had no confidence in him. Now Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf said he's angry at Rumsfeld for not providing soldiers in Iraq with the proper armor. In fact, Rumsfeld has screwed up so badly, President Bush might have to give him one of those Medal of Freedom awards. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Tony Blair met with President Bush at the White House recently. Did you see their press conference? They’re kind of like the before-and-after commercial for Hooked on Phonics. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 31, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

As you know, Time magazine has named President Bush "Person of the Year" — quite an honor. Although I'm not sure Bush understands it. Like he said today, he can't decide if he wants the free travel alarm clock or the tote bag. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 30, 2004

And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day Humor

This is just priceless. Scroll all the way down...

[Thanks, Kathy]

Posted by Jonathan at 05:40 PM | Comments (2) | Link to this

Your Tax Dollars At Work Humor  Politics

From the "stuff you couldn't make up" department: this peek into the military id.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:19 PM | Comments (2) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

NAACP president Kweisi Mfume announced that he is stepping down as head of the NAACP. President Bush issued a statement about it today saying that this shows what a great country this is, when a black man can rise to the head of the NAACP. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 29, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

I am not sure if President Bush fully grasps this issue. Like he was asked today if he has any plans to make the dollar stronger? And he said we were thinking of making it two-ply. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 28, 2004

Quote Of The Day Humor

Chris Mooney cites the following quote from Jon Stewart's America (The Book). It's too good not to repeat here:

The human race is by nature brutal, amoral, unreasonable and self-centered, but for the first few hundred thousand years of our existence as a species, we were way too obvious about it.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The international space station is running low on food. They asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about this. And Rumsfeld said, you go to space with the food you've got, not the food you want. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 27, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs to his motorcade. You know it's not going to work though because he's just going to get out to see what they're all looking at. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 26, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In his speech the other night President Bush said this nation should never settle for mediocrity. Then he let Dick Cheney finish the speech. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 25, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Congratulations to President George Bush, named Time magazine's "Person of the Year." And, of course, when he heard the news he was stunned. Bush said, "I don't even subscribe to Time magazine." ... I still don't think Bush quite gets it. Today he was asking people, "So where is Ed McMahon with my big check?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:17 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 24, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend and Dick Cheney had his annual autopsy. The doctor told Bush his health was A-okay and Bush told him flat out "Don't give me all the medical jargon. Give it to me in terms I can understand." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 23, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Now here is the latest on Social Security. It looks like Donald Rumsfeld is about to start collecting it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 22, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush said that he is standing by Rumsfeld. And you know what that means, he'll be gone in a week. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:56 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

December 21, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

At his annual physical last week, the president found out he has gained six pounds over the last year and he has pledged to loose the weight as soon as possible. So, finding Osama bin Laden gets pushed even further down the to-do list. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 20, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Adhering to his Special Olympics approach to his administration, President Bush awarded George Tenet, Paul Bremer and Tommy Franks the nation's highest civilian honor last week — the Presidential Medal of Freedom. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 18, 2004

How Not To Rob A Bank Humor

There's dumb, and then there's this:

A bank robber's note helped police catch the man who allegedly held up a Wells Fargo Bank in downtown Milwaukee.

The robber handed the teller the demand note Thursday morning. She gave him the money and he left.

He was quickly arrested when it was discovered he wrote the note on the back of his probation papers.

He was on probation for a previous bank robbery.

[Via Fark]

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Bush administration is now sponsoring a two day economic summit in D.C. One of the panels is focusing on jobs in the 21st century. Of course that panel is in India. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 17, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Bernard Kerik says he is sorry he'll not be able to be head of Homeland Security. He said with a wife and two mistresses he just doesn't have the time. ... He hired a nanny that may have been an illegal alien. He had a number of mistresses and may have had mob ties. That makes you feel secure! I mean, we can't even do a background check on the guy who is supposed to be in charge of background checks. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 16, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The trade deficit swelled to an all time high of $55.5 billion. Do you know what our number one export is now? National Guard troops. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 15, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Things are going very well for President Bush. He passed his physical. No word yet on his mental. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 14, 2004

Dubya's Repair Shop Humor  Politics

Via A Tiny Revolution, a great cartoon by Rex Babin of the Sacramento Bee.

Click here.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Over in Kuwait Donald Rumsfeld held a question answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq. One soldier asked him a really tough question, it was kind of embarrassing. He asked why don't we have proper armor for our vehicles. The guy who asked the question was Army Specialist Thomas Wilson. I'm sorry, make that Latrine Specialist Thomas Wilson. He has been re-assigned. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 13, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Jon Stewart: Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem?

[Clip] Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of production and capability to do it."

Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you soldiers driving with no armor get it?? Mass times velocity squared equals energy. Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy.

[Clip] Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have."

Stewart: Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in occasionally.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this

December 12, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush has asked for a 50 percent increase in the number of spies and intelligence at the CIA. Apparently he’s not getting enough memos to ignore. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 11, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

There is good news back in Washington. Congress finally signed a bill approving a bill completely reorganizing America's intelligence community. And all is took was three years of nagging from grieving 9/11 widows. Cause, you know, it was a back burner thing for Congress. It ain't Freedom Fries, people! — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 10, 2004

Social Security Corporatization Explained Humor  Social Security

The Onion puts Social Security corporatization into perspective.

Posted by Jonathan at 08:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Bonus Bush Jokes Humor

Donald Rumsfeld held a question and answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq and one soldier asked why a lot of their vehicles still don't have the proper armor and Rumsfeld said, "You go to war with the army you have. Not the army your wish for." And then he got into his armored car and drove away. — Jay Leno

Note to Donald Rumsfeld: you might want to cancel the next question and answer session with the troops. Unlike our media, they ask real questions apparently. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush visited with soldiers yesterday in an effort to f*ck up morale. I'm sorry, that's buck up morale. ... [Video of President Bush: "Today's war on terror will not end with a ceremony on the deck of a battleship."] Mr. President, if you're asking me not to trust ceremonies on the deck of battleships [and aircraft carriers], I'm way ahead of you. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 09, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

After an attack at the American consulate, Saudi Arabia has renewed their fight against terrorism, and they're serious. This time they may actually stop funding them. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 08, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Earlier today the president has called on all Americans to do volunteer work. For example: National Guard service. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 07, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Here's a late breaking bulletin from the Bush White House — the White House Christmas tree has submitted its resignation. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 06, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Down in Washington, Christmas is exciting because it's our nation's capitol and the White House. They have it all decorated. Beautiful! Quite a sight. A big huge 20-foot tree, 200 glass balls, 75 tinsel garlands and 50 resignations. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 05, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The other night they had the national lighting of the Christmas tree. They threw the switch and the tree came to life. And apparently it worked so well they are going to try the same thing with Dick Cheney. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 04, 2004

Diebold Parody Humor  Politics  Vote Fraud

This site has a collection of clever parody magazine ads for Diebold's electronic voting. Sample tag line: "Diebold. Because democracy is too important to leave to chance." View the ads here.

[Thanks, Kent]

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Elsewhere overseas, the invasion of and continued presence in Iraq still evokes passionate response. Witness this demonstration Tuesday, an angry mob shouting anti-U.S. slogans and toppling a statue of President Bush in a public square in the rogue nation of... Canada. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 03, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The Ukraine has now declared a winner in their presidential election, but the European Union says it is not legitimate. The give away was when the winner Viktor Yushchenko thanked his brother Jeb Yushchenko. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 02, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

President Bush is up in Canada to mend U.S./Canadian relations and pick up some discount Lipitor for Cheney. — David Letterman

President Bush was going to go to Canada back in '68, but then his dad got him into the National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 01, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually the second hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce: Bush being re-elected. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 30, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Dan Rather announced he was leaving. President Bush said, "I didn't even know he was in my cabinet." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 29, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview with USA Today, former first lady Barbara Bush says she tries to avoid news coverage of world events. So apparently it's hereditary. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 28, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wanted to invade Iraq, the whole place is oil and cash. It's like Republican Disneyland. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 27, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Are you all finally over the election? I tell you this has been a tought time, especially if you are a gay, pro-choice stem cell. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 26, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn't think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something, if you're a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on earth. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 25, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Now that Bush has won a second term, Dick Cheney could be a candidate in 2008. A lot of people forget about that. But Cheney says he has no intention of running for president for three reasons. One: He'll be too old. Two: He's had health problems. And three: He's already been president. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 24, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

As you know, Secretary of State Colin Powell submitted his letter of resignation. Actually, he submitted it six months ago, but Bush didn’t get around to reading it until now. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 23, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It's her job to continue to make sure the world hates us. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 22, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically he's now just a semi-Colin. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 21, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

You know what happens to the turkeys the president pardons every year? They are released to a farm and they live out the rest of their lives on this little farm. Or at least that's what they tell President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 20, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Today was the day President Bush was going to pardon the presidential turkey... But before he could pardon him, he resigned. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 19, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Condoleezza Rice brings an impressive resume to her new job. The granddaughter of a cotton farmer, the former provost of Stanford University, she is fluent in four languages, an accomplished classical pianist, and even an expert figure skater. Wow, it seems like the only thing she can't do is make peace with other nations. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 18, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Down in Washington, D.C. today a man tried to climb the fence to the White House. Luckily the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush cabinet members. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 17, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

Colin Powell and three others resigned the other day. President Bush said that this proves that he's winning the war on his own staff. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 15, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

It's been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it finds suspicious. When asked about it, President Bush said "I've always been suspicious of people who go to libraries." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 14, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

These days it's good to know we still have friends in the Middle East, friends like Saudi Arabia. That's where, may I remind you, four of the 19 September 11th hijackers were not from. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 12:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 13, 2004

Today's Bush Joke Humor

The president is focusing on his agenda for the next three years. One: finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting the war in three other places. — Ed Helms

Posted by Jonathan at 12:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 12, 2004