February 23, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Yesterday, the British government announced they're going to begin pulling their troops out of Iraq. Of course, it could take them a while because they're flying home on JetBlue. Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 22, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day Monday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way — by ignoring the other two branches of government. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 21, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
With about 70 candidates running for President it seems George Bush has convinced the country that pretty much anybody can do the job. — Will Durst
Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 20, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
New White House pastry chef William Yosses is author of "Desserts for Dummies." So apparently, he's qualified. — Will Durst
Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 19, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The president's approval is at an all-time low. Say what you want about the guy, but he didn't become president to make friends. He became president because the White House had a bowling alley in the basement. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 01:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 18, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play." — Comedy Central
Posted by Jonathan at 03:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 17, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In an interview with "Fox News Sunday," Vice President Dick Cheney commented on Congress' efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, "You cannot run a war by committee." You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts. — Seth Meyers
Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 16, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 15, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 14, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
You all watch the Grammys? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 13, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney. He turned 66 recently. Isn't his annual autopsy coming up soon? — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 04:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 12, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 02:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 09, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Barack Obama now trying to quit smoking. He's now chewing nicotine gum. Today on the news, they showed him chewing the gum while walking. To which President Bush said, "Show off." — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 08:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 08, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In Omaha, Nebraska, they are opening what they call "America's first terror-free gas station." The good news? They will only sell petroleum products from countries that like us. The bad news? They only have eight gallons. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 07, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida does not vote on this one. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 06, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Congress began hearings this week on the government response to Katrina. See, I'm confused. Was there a government response to Katrina? — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 05, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
We are at that weird stage in this administration, where half the White House staff is on C-SPAN and the other half is on Court TV. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 04, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Critics of Venezuela say they now have a radical lurch towards a dictatorship by a leader with unchecked power. They told President Bush about this. He said, "What? Cheney's in Venezuela?" — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 04:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 03, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This weekend, the President of the United States went on National Public Radio to explain that he knows Cheney. Cheney is not delusional, just optimistic [on screen: Bush saying Cheney reflects a 'half-glass-full' mentality]. How twisted is your administration when this guy is your Pollyanna? — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 02, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty. As opposed to Republicans, who live in a mansion and talk about a tax cut. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
February 01, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The perjury trial of I. Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is underway in Washington. This case dates back to 2003 and the State of the Union address. So, perhaps a quick refresher would be appropriate. Once upon a time, there was a very bad man [on screen: Saddam Hussein] who was doing a very bad thing [on screen: Pres. Bush saying he learned from the British gov't that Hussein sought large quantities of uranium from Africa]. Slam dunk. Amazing story. How did the president know? Because the British told him — but the British weren't so sure. So, we really wanted to kill this guy, but you can't just go around killing people just because you think they have weapons of mass destruction. You'd look idiotic. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 31, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Vice President Cheney lashed out at Hillary Clinton the other day. He said on CNN that he doesn't believe Hillary would be a good president. I can understand that. I mean, his administration has raised the bar so high. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 30, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 29, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans — the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 28, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named "Checkers." Bush plays checkers with his dog. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 05:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 27, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of "leaders in Congress from both political parties"]. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 26, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
31 million people watched the president — many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance. — Jimmy Kimmel
Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this
January 25, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush addressed the nation the other night. He talked about how we can save energy, how we can still win the war in Iraq, and then gave a beautiful rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings." Randy and Paula were in tears. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 24, 2007
| Alternatives | Humor Politics |
Shorter SOTU: cartoon version.
Posted by Jonathan at 12:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
How will the president describe the state of our union? Well, over the past six tumultuous years, he has always managed to find just the right word to encapsulate the complexities of our times [on screen: Bush using varieties of 'strong']. Strongly, we will use strength to bestrongen our strongness, for strongaliciousness is strongtastic...That's what you get for relying exclusively on Roget's Monosaurus. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 23, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
During an interview with "60 Minutes" last week, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, "We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude." Said the Iraqi people, "We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up." — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 22, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush is calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think there are 21,000 people in the country who think it's a good idea. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 21, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In his "60 Minutes" interview, Bush said popularity is not his goal. Well, I thought, mission accomplished. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 02:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 20, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, "Uh, you first." — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 05:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 19, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The president's advisers launched a PR offensive to assure the public that just because our new way forward meant returning troops levels to where they were in December of 2005, this plan had a twist [on screen: NSA Stephen Hadley saying the strategy 'will succeed rather than fail']. Hmmm. Succeed rather than fail? Sounds counterintuitive. Okay, I'll indulge you. You have a plan. Well, have you thought about looking at that plan in the most emotionally loaded way possible? [on screen: WH press sec. Tony Snow saying, 'I'll ask a simple question. If the U.S. withdraws, does it make Osama bin Laden happy or sad?']. And if bin Laden was happy, would he know it? And if bin Laden knew it, would he clap his hands? Would his face surely show it? These are the questions we would have asked bin Laden — if we had caught him. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 09:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 18, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 17, 2007
| Cakewalk | Humor Iran Iraq |
Tom Tomorrow, from April Fool's Day, 2003.
[Via Atrios]
Posted by Jonathan at 09:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:12 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this
January 16, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 15, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 14, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution. And I was thinking: you think he'd being doing this if he were still in the National Guard? — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 02:27 PM | Comments (4) | Link to this
January 13, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 03:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 12, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Earlier tonight, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq. And President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off that old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — David Letterman
I hope you caught the president's speech tonight. I'm still glowing. Watching him address the nation is like hanging out with your best bud. You're on the couch. He's giving a speech. You're drinking a beer. He's increasing troop levels in Iraq. Of course, I was a little disappointed the president didn't go with my recommendation of 300 million troops. That's a mistake. But you know what? If that's the only mistake he makes in this war, then we are in good shape. — Stephen Colbert
Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 11, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq "The New Way Forward." Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called "Winging It." — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 10, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 09, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
We have a new person in the mail room opening mail, President Bush. The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. Hey, how about those memos on your desk? — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 08, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 07, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the Prime Minister of Iraq says not only will he not seek a second term in office, he wishes he could quit early. He says he has other interests he'd like to pursue — like trying to stay alive. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 05:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 06, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 05, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani's entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 08:38 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this
January 04, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
They executed Saddam Hussein. I guess that means that whole Iraqi thing is over. We can all go home now. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 03, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of President Bush from his National Guard days]. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 02, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The good part of crossing the threshold of a new year is you get to start over. The bad part is you have to do it from where you are now. — Will Durst
Posted by Jonathan at 11:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
January 01, 2007
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 08:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 31, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?" — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 03:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 30, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Big changes in Washington. Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, "Uh oh." — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 29, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
I'm thinking if George Bush got a lump of coal for Xmas, Santa is sloughing off in his old age. Of course, you never hear of Santa giving a good pistol whipping as a present. — Will Durst
Posted by Jonathan at 03:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 28, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him. — Bill Maher
Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 27, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Now President Bush wants to send MORE troops to Iraq. This guy refuses to listen to anybody. The Iraqi people, the American people, his own intelligence Estimates, bi-partisan Study Groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog. — Will Durst
Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this
December 26, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 02:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 25, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 24, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Earlier today, the Christmas tree in front of the White House fell over. Even after the tree collapsed, President Bush insisted that the tree was doing a heckuva job. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 23, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This California company that was contracted to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 03:50 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 22, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 21, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 20, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Republicans used their last days in power to pass last-minute tax cuts, expand oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, clear GOP leadership of wrongdoing in the Mark Foley scandal, and pardon Hitler. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 19, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush today completed what he called "a listening tour." He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon — all the people he should have met with before the war. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 18, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This week a top general at the Pentagon said the War on Terror could take a 100 years to fight. President Bush was furious about the 100-year prediction and said, "Stop setting a fixed timetable." — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 17, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush actually said today he will not be rushed into a decision about Iraq. I guess one time is enough for him. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 03:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 16, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This is an anniversary. Do you know what happened on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. And isn't it nice that since we've captured Saddam Hussein, we haven't had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons? Everything's so much better now. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 03:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 15, 2006
| Flyover Statement | Humor Iraq |
The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, who brought us Tough Day, Great Opportunity, one of TDS's best bits ever, is back with another good one. It's not on YouTube yet, but you can watch it here. Check it out.
Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought — unlike getting us into Iraq. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 11:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 14, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The White House said today President Bush is expected to make his Iraq strategy public, but not until after the holidays. What's the rush? Take a break. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 13, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush has received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, "Don't tell me how it ends." They said, "Uh, it doesn't." — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this
December 12, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall. — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 11, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. presidents. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 10, 2006
| Manifestoon | Humor Politics |
The words of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, illustrated by clips from Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Interesting and subversive.
It's remarkable that the words were written more than a century and a half ago. Some archaic terminology aside, a lot of it's pretty descriptive of events today. Check it out.
[Via Stan Goff]
Posted by Jonathan at 04:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 12:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 09, 2006
| Dick Cheney, That's Funny | Humor |
Letterman inaugurates a new segment:
(Via Minor-Ripper)
Posted by Jonathan at 12:46 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
It is in book form and entitled, "The Way Forward — A New Approach," a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, "Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug." — Jon Stewart, on the Iraq Study Group report
Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 08, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Vice President Dick Cheney has a gay daughter, Mary. Well, she's pregnant. Wow, that's going to be a shotgun wedding. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (3) | Link to this
December 07, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Today was the first and only day of confirmation hearings for Rumsfeld's replacement Robert Gates. The committee immediately confirmed the guy. They really only had one question: "Are you now or have you ever been Donald Rumsfeld?" He said, "No." He showed them his driver's license and utility bill, and boom, they confirmed him. — Stephen Colbert
Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 06, 2006
| How I'm Feeling | Humor |
[Thanks, Dave]
Posted by Jonathan at 04:06 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Wednesday that it is time to face reality and recognize that Iraq is in a state of civil war. Powell made the statement after growing what are known as "retirement balls." — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 09:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 05, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The White House does not yet believe Iraq is in a civil war, though they did concede that the conflict has entered a new phase. And it rhymes with "muster bluck." — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 04, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war...President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time-Life books. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 03, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term explosion-filled misunderstanding. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 02, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House: more dead wood. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
December 01, 2006
| Kansas Outlaws Evolution | Humor |
TGIF. The Onion:
In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life."From now on, the streets, forests, plains, and rivers of Kansas will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to procreate without deviating from God's intended design," said Bob Bethell, a member of the state House of Representatives. "This is about protecting the integrity of all creation."
The sweeping new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from being born with random genetic mutations that could make them better suited to evade predators, secure a mate, or, adapt to a changing environment. In addition, it bars any sexual reproduction, battles for survival, or instances of pure happenstance that might lead, after several generations, to a more well-adapted species or subspecies. [Emphasis added]
Yes, it's a joke. Just barely.
Posted by Jonathan at 05:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together! — Jay Leno
Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 30, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential library, not just a library, it will also contain a think tank — because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking. — David Letterman
President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books. They're popouts. Conan O'Brien
President Bush is preparing to build his presidential library. Bush's is expected to cost $500 million. That's more than three times the cost of the Clinton library, and more than all the other libraries combined, which makes you wonder, how many Garfield books can there be? — Jimmy Kimmel
"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 29, 2006
| Parting Shot | Humor Politics |
Posted by Jonathan at 08:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war it's Henry Kissinger. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 09:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 28, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Every year, President Bush gets to pardon one turkey, and this year it was Donald Rumsfeld. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 27, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House? — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 25, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page. — Bill Maher
Posted by Jonathan at 11:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 24, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
A new poll finds that 60 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is a worse president than his father. However, President Bush's advisers cheered him up by telling him he's the second best George Bush who's ever been president. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 08:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 23, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him. — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 10:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 22, 2006
| Hortatory Talk | Humor Iraq |
General Shinseki and the Iraq war's only instance of 20/20 foresight. Jon Stewart:
Posted by Jonathan at 12:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will pardon the turkey. And today, Dick Cheney spent all day torturing it. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 08:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 21, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq met with leaders in Vietnam. Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 20, 2006
| Jon Stewart Nails Glenn Beck | Humor |
Glenn Beck is such an idiot. Jon Stewart:
Posted by Jonathan at 01:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position, I kid you not, in the Senate will be Minority Whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice. — Jon Stewart
Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him Minority Whip. That is great for Trent. They say Minority Whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. — Stephen Colbert
Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 19, 2006
| Sermon For Today | Humor |
This being Sunday and all.
When I was a child, I used to pray to God for a bicycle. But then I realized that God doesn't work in that way — so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. — Emo Phillips
Posted by Jonathan at 06:07 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this
| The War On Christmas | Humor |
It seems to come earlier every year.
Posted by Jonathan at 12:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
A judge in Massachusetts has ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich. Which makes me wonder, have we found bin Laden yet? — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 18, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 17, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Last week, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 16, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he is unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, That's ridiculous. The president is just as unpopular overseas. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 15, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it. — David Letterman
This week President Bush is flying to Asia to meet with leaders of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. Or, as President Bush calls them, China. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 14, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
On election night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S. — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 13, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
You got to give Rumsfeld credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 12, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 11, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands [on screen: a 1983 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein]. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment — irrelevance. — Jon Stewart
Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 11:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 10, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, "I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively — and then I waited three years." — Conan O'Brien
Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?. — Jay Leno
Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 09, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The other day in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 08, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4 — lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after the election, they'll be able to find jobs. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 07, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This is a good rule for life: Look for whoever is the most against anything and you can almost guarantee they are that something they are against. The guy who devotes his life to fighting gay rights is gay. The guy working to pass the laws against child pornography is sending sex messages to teenage interns. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this
November 06, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsements from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 08:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 05, 2006
| Ted Haggard | Humor |
You know you're in a pretty tight spot when you're a fundamentalist preacher with a high political profile and your defense is: "I only bought crystal meth from that gay hooker."
Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 07:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 04, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
In Maryland, the National Black Association created a controversy for running this radio ad [on screen: Announcer saying, "Democrats passed those black codes and Jim Crow laws. Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan. White hoods and sheets? Republicans freed us from slavery and put our right to vote in the Constitution."]. Great ad. It reminds us what this election is really about — the 1870s. — Stephen Colbert
Posted by Jonathan at 12:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 03, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that — Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore. — Jay Leno
I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 09:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 02, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the "Mission Accomplished" sign three years ago. — Jay Leno
Posted by Jonathan at 08:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
November 01, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder of exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses. — Conan O'Brien
Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 31, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys! — Amy Poehler
Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 30, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico...That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change. — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 29, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger. — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 28, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Bush is getting rid of the phrase, "stay the course." That was his phrase for the entire war. Maybe the phrase should have been, "Find bin Laden." Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, "Stay under the desk?" — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 01:59 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 27, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
The election is two weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for. — Bill Maher
Posted by Jonathan at 04:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 26, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
They were talking to President Bush about what he likes to do in his spare time. He said what he likes to do is get on the Internet and he Googles. He likes to look at satellite photos of his ranch. Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden? — David Letterman
Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 25, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
It seems a lot of things about Republicans happen to be coming out now, only after they've done them. — Jon Stewart
Posted by Jonathan at 08:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 24, 2006
| Today's Bush Joke | Humor |
Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [On screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years? — Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Jonathan at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this
October 23, 2006
| Perspective | 9/11, "War On Terror" Humor |