Past Peak: Humor Archives

February 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday, the British government announced they're going to begin pulling their troops out of Iraq. Of course, it could take them a while because they're flying home on JetBlue. Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day Monday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way — by ignoring the other two branches of government. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

With about 70 candidates running for President it seems George Bush has convinced the country that pretty much anybody can do the job. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

New White House pastry chef William Yosses is author of "Desserts for Dummies." So apparently, he's qualified. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The president's approval is at an all-time low. Say what you want about the guy, but he didn't become president to make friends. He became president because the White House had a bowling alley in the basement. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 01:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play." — Comedy Central

Posted by Jonathan at 03:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 17, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In an interview with "Fox News Sunday," Vice President Dick Cheney commented on Congress' efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, "You cannot run a war by committee." You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts. — Seth Meyers

Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

You all watch the Grammys? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney. He turned 66 recently. Isn't his annual autopsy coming up soon? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Barack Obama now trying to quit smoking. He's now chewing nicotine gum. Today on the news, they showed him chewing the gum while walking. To which President Bush said, "Show off." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:36 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In Omaha, Nebraska, they are opening what they call "America's first terror-free gas station." The good news? They will only sell petroleum products from countries that like us. The bad news? They only have eight gallons. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida does not vote on this one. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Congress began hearings this week on the government response to Katrina. See, I'm confused. Was there a government response to Katrina? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

We are at that weird stage in this administration, where half the White House staff is on C-SPAN and the other half is on Court TV. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Critics of Venezuela say they now have a radical lurch towards a dictatorship by a leader with unchecked power. They told President Bush about this. He said, "What? Cheney's in Venezuela?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

This weekend, the President of the United States went on National Public Radio to explain that he knows Cheney. Cheney is not delusional, just optimistic [on screen: Bush saying Cheney reflects a 'half-glass-full' mentality]. How twisted is your administration when this guy is your Pollyanna? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty. As opposed to Republicans, who live in a mansion and talk about a tax cut. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The perjury trial of I. Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is underway in Washington. This case dates back to 2003 and the State of the Union address. So, perhaps a quick refresher would be appropriate. Once upon a time, there was a very bad man [on screen: Saddam Hussein] who was doing a very bad thing [on screen: Pres. Bush saying he learned from the British gov't that Hussein sought large quantities of uranium from Africa]. Slam dunk. Amazing story. How did the president know? Because the British told him — but the British weren't so sure. So, we really wanted to kill this guy, but you can't just go around killing people just because you think they have weapons of mass destruction. You'd look idiotic. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 31, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Cheney lashed out at Hillary Clinton the other day. He said on CNN that he doesn't believe Hillary would be a good president. I can understand that. I mean, his administration has raised the bar so high. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 30, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 29, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans — the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 28, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named "Checkers." Bush plays checkers with his dog. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 05:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 27, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of "leaders in Congress from both political parties"]. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 26, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

31 million people watched the president — many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance. — Jimmy Kimmel

Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this

January 25, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush addressed the nation the other night. He talked about how we can save energy, how we can still win the war in Iraq, and then gave a beautiful rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings." Randy and Paula were in tears. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 24, 2007

Alternatives

Shorter SOTU: cartoon version.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

How will the president describe the state of our union? Well, over the past six tumultuous years, he has always managed to find just the right word to encapsulate the complexities of our times [on screen: Bush using varieties of 'strong']. Strongly, we will use strength to bestrongen our strongness, for strongaliciousness is strongtastic...That's what you get for relying exclusively on Roget's Monosaurus. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 23, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

During an interview with "60 Minutes" last week, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, "We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude." Said the Iraqi people, "We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 22, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think there are 21,000 people in the country who think it's a good idea. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 21, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In his "60 Minutes" interview, Bush said popularity is not his goal. Well, I thought, mission accomplished. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 20, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, "Uh, you first." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 19, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The president's advisers launched a PR offensive to assure the public that just because our new way forward meant returning troops levels to where they were in December of 2005, this plan had a twist [on screen: NSA Stephen Hadley saying the strategy 'will succeed rather than fail']. Hmmm. Succeed rather than fail? Sounds counterintuitive. Okay, I'll indulge you. You have a plan. Well, have you thought about looking at that plan in the most emotionally loaded way possible? [on screen: WH press sec. Tony Snow saying, 'I'll ask a simple question. If the U.S. withdraws, does it make Osama bin Laden happy or sad?']. And if bin Laden was happy, would he know it? And if bin Laden knew it, would he clap his hands? Would his face surely show it? These are the questions we would have asked bin Laden — if we had caught him. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 18, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 17, 2007

Cakewalk

Humor Iran Iraq

Tom Tomorrow, from April Fool's Day, 2003.

[Via Atrios]

Posted by Jonathan at 09:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:12 AM | Comments (4) | Link to this

January 16, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 15, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 14, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution. And I was thinking: you think he'd being doing this if he were still in the National Guard? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:27 PM | Comments (4) | Link to this

January 13, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 12, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier tonight, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq. And President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off that old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — David Letterman

I hope you caught the president's speech tonight. I'm still glowing. Watching him address the nation is like hanging out with your best bud. You're on the couch. He's giving a speech. You're drinking a beer. He's increasing troop levels in Iraq. Of course, I was a little disappointed the president didn't go with my recommendation of 300 million troops. That's a mistake. But you know what? If that's the only mistake he makes in this war, then we are in good shape. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 11, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq "The New Way Forward." Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called "Winging It." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 10, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 09, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

We have a new person in the mail room opening mail, President Bush. The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. Hey, how about those memos on your desk? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 08, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 07, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the Prime Minister of Iraq says not only will he not seek a second term in office, he wishes he could quit early. He says he has other interests he'd like to pursue — like trying to stay alive. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 06, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 05, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani's entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:38 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 04, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

They executed Saddam Hussein. I guess that means that whole Iraqi thing is over. We can all go home now. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 03, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of President Bush from his National Guard days]. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 02, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

The good part of crossing the threshold of a new year is you get to start over. The bad part is you have to do it from where you are now. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 01, 2007

Today's Bush Joke

There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?" — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Big changes in Washington. Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, "Uh oh." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I'm thinking if George Bush got a lump of coal for Xmas, Santa is sloughing off in his old age. Of course, you never hear of Santa giving a good pistol whipping as a present. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 03:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Now President Bush wants to send MORE troops to Iraq. This guy refuses to listen to anybody. The Iraqi people, the American people, his own intelligence Estimates, bi-partisan Study Groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (2) | Link to this

December 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 02:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier today, the Christmas tree in front of the White House fell over. Even after the tree collapsed, President Bush insisted that the tree was doing a heckuva job. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This California company that was contracted to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:50 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Republicans used their last days in power to pass last-minute tax cuts, expand oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, clear GOP leadership of wrongdoing in the Mark Foley scandal, and pardon Hitler. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush today completed what he called "a listening tour." He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon — all the people he should have met with before the war. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This week a top general at the Pentagon said the War on Terror could take a 100 years to fight. President Bush was furious about the 100-year prediction and said, "Stop setting a fixed timetable." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush actually said today he will not be rushed into a decision about Iraq. I guess one time is enough for him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This is an anniversary. Do you know what happened on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. And isn't it nice that since we've captured Saddam Hussein, we haven't had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons? Everything's so much better now. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 03:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 15, 2006

Flyover Statement

The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, who brought us Tough Day, Great Opportunity, one of TDS's best bits ever, is back with another good one. It's not on YouTube yet, but you can watch it here. Check it out.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought — unlike getting us into Iraq. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The White House said today President Bush is expected to make his Iraq strategy public, but not until after the holidays. What's the rush? Take a break. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush has received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, "Don't tell me how it ends." They said, "Uh, it doesn't." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:11 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

December 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. presidents. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 10, 2006

Manifestoon

The words of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, illustrated by clips from Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Interesting and subversive.

It's remarkable that the words were written more than a century and a half ago. Some archaic terminology aside, a lot of it's pretty descriptive of events today. Check it out.

[Via Stan Goff]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 09, 2006

Dick Cheney, That's Funny

Letterman inaugurates a new segment:

(Via Minor-Ripper)

Posted by Jonathan at 12:46 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

It is in book form and entitled, "The Way Forward — A New Approach," a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, "Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug." — Jon Stewart, on the Iraq Study Group report

Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Dick Cheney has a gay daughter, Mary. Well, she's pregnant. Wow, that's going to be a shotgun wedding. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:37 AM | Comments (3) | Link to this

December 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Today was the first and only day of confirmation hearings for Rumsfeld's replacement Robert Gates. The committee immediately confirmed the guy. They really only had one question: "Are you now or have you ever been Donald Rumsfeld?" He said, "No." He showed them his driver's license and utility bill, and boom, they confirmed him. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 06, 2006

How I'm Feeling

[Thanks, Dave]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:06 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Wednesday that it is time to face reality and recognize that Iraq is in a state of civil war. Powell made the statement after growing what are known as "retirement balls." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The White House does not yet believe Iraq is in a civil war, though they did concede that the conflict has entered a new phase. And it rhymes with "muster bluck." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war...President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time-Life books. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term explosion-filled misunderstanding. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House: more dead wood. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 01, 2006

Kansas Outlaws Evolution

TGIF. The Onion:

In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life.
"From now on, the streets, forests, plains, and rivers of Kansas will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to procreate without deviating from God's intended design," said Bob Bethell, a member of the state House of Representatives. "This is about protecting the integrity of all creation."

The sweeping new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from being born with random genetic mutations that could make them better suited to evade predators, secure a mate, or, adapt to a changing environment. In addition, it bars any sexual reproduction, battles for survival, or instances of pure happenstance that might lead, after several generations, to a more well-adapted species or subspecies. [Emphasis added]

Yes, it's a joke. Just barely.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together! — Jay Leno

Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential library, not just a library, it will also contain a think tank — because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking. — David Letterman

President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books. They're popouts. Conan O'Brien

President Bush is preparing to build his presidential library. Bush's is expected to cost $500 million. That's more than three times the cost of the Clinton library, and more than all the other libraries combined, which makes you wonder, how many Garfield books can there be? — Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 29, 2006

Parting Shot

Posted by Jonathan at 08:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war it's Henry Kissinger. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Every year, President Bush gets to pardon one turkey, and this year it was Donald Rumsfeld. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A new poll finds that 60 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is a worse president than his father. However, President Bush's advisers cheered him up by telling him he's the second best George Bush who's ever been president. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 22, 2006

Hortatory Talk

General Shinseki and the Iraq war's only instance of 20/20 foresight. Jon Stewart:

Posted by Jonathan at 12:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will pardon the turkey. And today, Dick Cheney spent all day torturing it. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq met with leaders in Vietnam. Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 20, 2006

Jon Stewart Nails Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck is such an idiot. Jon Stewart:

Posted by Jonathan at 01:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position, I kid you not, in the Senate will be Minority Whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice. — Jon Stewart

Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him Minority Whip. That is great for Trent. They say Minority Whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 19, 2006

Sermon For Today

This being Sunday and all.

When I was a child, I used to pray to God for a bicycle. But then I realized that God doesn't work in that way — so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. — Emo Phillips

Posted by Jonathan at 06:07 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

The War On Christmas

It seems to come earlier every year.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

A judge in Massachusetts has ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich. Which makes me wonder, have we found bin Laden yet? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Last week, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he is unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, That's ridiculous. The president is just as unpopular overseas. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it. — David Letterman

This week President Bush is flying to Asia to meet with leaders of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. Or, as President Bush calls them, China. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

On election night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

You got to give Rumsfeld credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands [on screen: a 1983 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein]. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment — irrelevance. — Jon Stewart

Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, "I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively — and then I waited three years." — Conan O'Brien

Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?. — Jay Leno

Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The other day in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4 — lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after the election, they'll be able to find jobs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This is a good rule for life: Look for whoever is the most against anything and you can almost guarantee they are that something they are against. The guy who devotes his life to fighting gay rights is gay. The guy working to pass the laws against child pornography is sending sex messages to teenage interns. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

November 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsements from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 05, 2006

Ted Haggard

You know you're in a pretty tight spot when you're a fundamentalist preacher with a high political profile and your defense is: "I only bought crystal meth from that gay hooker."

Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 07:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In Maryland, the National Black Association created a controversy for running this radio ad [on screen: Announcer saying, "Democrats passed those black codes and Jim Crow laws. Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan. White hoods and sheets? Republicans freed us from slavery and put our right to vote in the Constitution."]. Great ad. It reminds us what this election is really about — the 1870s. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 12:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that — Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore. — Jay Leno

I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the "Mission Accomplished" sign three years ago. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder of exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys! — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico...That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Bush is getting rid of the phrase, "stay the course." That was his phrase for the entire war. Maybe the phrase should have been, "Find bin Laden." Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, "Stay under the desk?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:59 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The election is two weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 04:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

They were talking to President Bush about what he likes to do in his spare time. He said what he likes to do is get on the Internet and he Googles. He likes to look at satellite photos of his ranch. Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It seems a lot of things about Republicans happen to be coming out now, only after they've done them. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:33 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [On screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years? — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 23, 2006

Perspective

9/11, "War On Terror" Humor Politics

Doonesbury (via Bruce Schneier) explains faulty risk assessment and the politics of fear:

First cartoon
Second
Third
Fourth
Fifth
Sixth
Seventh

A voice of reason.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

A consumer watch group has released its annual list of the most dangerous Halloween costumes. Apparently, the most dangerous thing for kids to wear this year is a congressional page blazer. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Do you believe how self-destructive this Congress has become? This upcoming election is not an election, it's an intervention. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 05:16 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush now says there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. Of course, the big difference is, his dad could get him out of Vietnam. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 20, 2006

Growth Industry

Election outcome experts.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:10 PM | Comments (2) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

The president had a press conference this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, "Like having no plan ever stopped me before." He has something even more deadly in store for them — we're going to bring them democracy. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The American President. Throughout history, there have been many of them. Every four years, roughly 50% of roughly 40% of Americans elevate a fellow citizen to this highest post in the land. These men — and you better believe they're men — evoke many feelings. Pride, respect, loyalty. Uh, the opposite of those things. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses — this is true — most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 17, 2006

Stick A Yellow Ribbon Up Your SUV

The Asylum Street Spankers offer their opinion about yellow ribbons on SUVs.

[Thanks, Paul]

Posted by Jonathan at 09:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

In a press conference this morning, President Bush said that he has no intentions of attacking North Korea. Then Bush said, "However, I can't speak for Donald Rumsfeld." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 16, 2006

W	Humor Iraq Politics

The leader of the free world. It's so embarrassing:

And as for cuttin' and runnin'...

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said today the U.S. will not attack North Korea. Oh sure, but we may liberate them. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush said he will not attack North Korea. Well, of course not. They actually have weapons of mass destruction. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A very scary situation in North Korea, but let's move on to the good news. As of Monday, North Korea has one less bomb. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 11, 2006

Crisis In Our Nation's Pants

Jon Stewart on the Foley mess. Excellent, as always.

Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

And House Speaker Dennis Hastert is under fire because he claims if he was told about Foley's sex scandal a few years ago, he doesn't remember it. Really? How bad is the rest of the Republicans' behavior if news of one having cybersex with teenage boys isn't that memorable? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier in the week, Foley checked himself into rehab. But according to the New York Times, many people question his alcoholism claim. That's when you know things are bad in Washington: when a congressman can't even be trusted to be a drunk. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Remember the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Congressmen are now on their five-week break. Did you know they were off? No, you don't even know when they're working. Anyway, they have five weeks to campaign for their upcoming elections. You know, they're traveling around the country talking about the most dangerous threats to our country — flag-burning and gay marriage. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

We're covering a story about a certain congressman. Let's call him. Representative Mark Foley, Republican of Florida. He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself. — Jon Stewart

But in fairness to the Republicans, let me just throw this out — who invented the Internet? That's right — Al Gore, a Democrat. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. Run with it Fox News. — Jimmy Kimmel

(Foley's) in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks — drunk dialing. It's just that in Foley's case, it was drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation. It's simple. You drink, you forget things — especially things that could endanger minors. And I know people are wondering why Condoleezza Rice can't remember a July 2001 meeting with George Tenet where he warned her an al Qaeda attack was likely, even though White House records prove the meeting happened. She probably just blacked out. She was playing a drinking game. Every time you hear George Tenet say "imminent," you take a shot. — Stephen Colbert

This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday...Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

On Friday, Republican Congressman Mark Foley of Florida stepped down because, well, he's in big trouble. If you were watching Fox News, you might have missed this story — they're still rerunning that Clinton video. — Stephen Colbert

Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit e-mails to underage boys. What is it with congressmen? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass. — Jay Leno

How 'bout that Florida Congressman Mark Foley? At least the Democrats waited until the interns were 18. — David Letterman

The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action. One lawmaker, the co-founder of the congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, was particularly outraged [on screen: Foley saying, "They're sick people. They need mental health counseling. They certainly don't need to be interacting with children."] That was Mark Foley from 2002, reacting to himself three years later. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A report leaked to the New York Times insinuates that the Iraq war has actually helped spread the Jihadist movement. President Bush none too pleased about the report. [on screen: Bush calling the assumption that going to Iraq was a mistake, naive]. Wow, going to Iraq being a mistake is naive? How naive? This kind of naive? [on screen: VP Dick Cheney saying, "I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators."] That kind of naive?. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

October 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Did you see this Clinton thing on Fox? [on screen: Bill Clinton's interview with Chris Wallace on 'Fox News Sunday']. Wow, talk about an overreaction. Chris Wallace just asked him a perfectly legitimate question [on screen: Depends On What Definition of 'Legitimate' Is]. He just basically asked, why did you let those 3,000 people in the World Trade Center die? And Clinton freaks out [on screen: Burst His Bubba]. Clinton even had the nerve to question why Wallace never asked the Bush administration the same thing. Well, there's an excellent reason [on screen: You Don't Criticize Your Boss]. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The president of Afghanistan says over the past year, democracy has suffered a setback in his country. On the bright side, at least now he and President Bush have something in common. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

After three long years, our efforts in Iraq have been successful in fostering a new generation of people who hate us. A new National Intelligence Estimate report recently leaked to the New York Times says the war in Iraq has made the overall terrorism problem worse, and has spread Islamic radicalism further than before. Now that sounds bad, but remember, this is from a U.S. intelligence report. Take it with a grain of salt. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The U.N. says that there is more torture going on in Iraq than when Saddam was in power. Bush shot back. He said, "That is just the opinion of one individual who doesn't know the difference between regular torture and freedom torture." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Venezuelan President went to the U.N. and called Bush the devil. You could tell Bush was offended, because his tail stopped wagging. Bush said, "I would love to answer your ridiculous charge that I'm the devil, but I'm a little too busy this week trying to unite my party behind torturing people." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 08:57 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

On "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson is gone. He got the least number of votes. A Republican stopped by a lack of votes — when does that ever happen? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In his speech, Bush said the United Nations is in danger of losing its credibility. And believe me, when it comes to international affairs, President Bush is an expert on losing credibility. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Did you know that in midterm elections you don't even get to vote for the president [on screen: Unless Using Diebold Machine]. Remember, you Republicans are the party of Jesus [on screen: And Will Be Crucified on 11/7]. It may look like you die, but in 2008, you will rise again just like the Lord [on screen: Lord Voldemort]. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, "This time, Rumsfeld and I are just going to wing it." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:11 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 06:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Picture your family dead. Just for a second. Are you picturing it? Now go vote. — Jon Stewart, summarizing President Bush's interview with NBC's Matt Lauer

Posted by Jonathan at 09:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Last night in his speech to the nation, President Bush called for unity among all Americans unless, of course, you're gay, a Democrat or live in a blue state. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:16 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

On this day in 1993 Israeli and Palestinian leaders met on the White House lawn and signed the peace accord. Glad they settled that! — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In his speech to the nation this week, Bush said that we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent — and anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Senate Intelligence Committee — that almost sounds like an oxymoron — released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

You are joining us on September 12th, which as you know, is the fifth anniversary of the misappropriation of the events of September 11th. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

[Monday was] a very solemn day — the fifth anniversary of 9/11. It's a time for the nation to reflect, come together and watch TV. What better way to commemorate a national tragedy than turning it into a mini-series? It's called "The Path to 9/11." I watched it last night. It's very educational. I know, because I yawned out loud. As ABC's epic disclaimer explains, it's based on the 9/11 commission report and some other stuff [on screen: Mad Libs]. — Stephen Colbert

The big controversy, of course, is the 9/11 mini-series because people are upset that it's not accurate. Because as you know, nothing is typically more accurate than the made-for-television movie. Why shouldn't 9/11 get the same respect that the Amy Fisher story gets? I mean, these are network executives making decisions about these films. Be thankful the Condoleezza Rice character is still black. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their "Path to 9/11" docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's "Rockin' 9/11 Countdown."

The controversial one is this ABC one, "The Path to 9/11." The original title was "Sheiks on a Plane." This is controversial because apparently it's very heavily slanted and it blames 9/11 on Bill Clinton. It makes Bush out to be a saint, which is kind of ridiculous because if Bush is gonna be on any ABC program, it should be "Lost." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had surgery on his shoulder yesterday. Apparently, he wrenched it while trying to pull his foot out of his mouth. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

After two months of controversy following the Mexican election, the electoral court declared Felipe Calderon as the president of Mexico. Imagine that — a court having to decide a presidential election. What a backward country that is. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, "The key for me is to keep expectations low." I think you can accurately say, "Mission Accomplished." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:33 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Ernesto — you've heard about this storm? Gathering speed, heading up the East Coast. They said Washington might be hit. That's when you know the federal government has its head up it's ass when the hurricanes have to come to you. Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the "Mission Accomplished" banner. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:25 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

September 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack — and will continue to be right up until Election Day. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

There is finally a happy story in the Middle East. In the Gaza strip, Palestinian militants released those two Fox News journalists. They were released unharmed. The Palestinians said they just couldn't take any more of the pro-Bush stories. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:14 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

September 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Let me explain something to you about the algebra, if you will, of cable news: Three-year war in Iraq is less than 30-day-old bombing of Lebanon, which is less than explosive Gatorade on a plane, all of which is chickens**t compared to a break in a 10-year-old murder case. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it. — Conan O'Brien

President Bush. You know where he is? He's in New Orleans right now to mark the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Now if we could just get FEMA down there. — David Letterman

Today, of course, the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans. FEMA officials said it seems like just yesterday when they first arrived in New Orleans. And then they realized, "Oh, it was just yesterday." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, "Home of Cindy Sheehan." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under "job comma heckuva." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The White House announced that President Bush took three books with him on his ten-day vacation to his ranch in Texas. Three books. Now before you get impressed by all that, it's the same three books he took last year. He's still waiting to see if the little engine makes it over the mountain. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 27, 2006

Today's Lieberman Joke

A lot of folks are big fans of the planets. Pluto now has lost its status as a planet. But it says it will run as an independent. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Posted by Jonathan at 09:57 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

August 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep, and that's why we're in Iraq. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

August 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

When it comes to the war in Iraq, no one is more optimistic than our President Bush. In fact, no one is optimistic other than President Bush. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 07:42 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 23, 2006

One-Handed Rubik's

CalTech student sets the world record for solving a 3x3 Rubik's Cube — one-handed:

Posted by Jonathan at 12:19 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Thousands of Lebanese refugees are pouring back into their home towns, and it seems that one relief organization is stepping up their aid efforts more than any other relief organization. Which group is it? Here are some hints: They're Shiites, they're on the State Department's watch list of terrorist groups, and their name rhymes with "Lezbollah." — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Midterm elections are a few months away. The intensity is picking up. Republican Senator/possible '08 presidential candidate George Allen of Virginia, campaigning hard. George Allen was pointing out that his opponent in the Senate race, James Webb had sent someone to videotape all of George Allen's appearances — which is not a very nice thing to do because George Allen says some really stupid s**t. Like, "Let's all welcome macaca over here to America." Although in Allen's defense, he didn't know that the gentleman was already a citizen and didn't need to be welcomed to America, or that his name wasn't "macaca". I think Allen just assumed the gentleman looked "macaca-ish". — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

While President Bush was on vacation, this country was in the capable hands of his brother, Raul. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:52 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In a sign of how troubled our world is right now, this year, President Bush decided he's only doing a ten-day vacation at his Crawford ranch which, really, why even bother at that point?. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Good news. President Bush had his physical last week, and passed his physical. No word on the mental. But the doctors say he's okay, but he might want to go on a diet, because his Body-Mass Index has jumped to 26. On the bright side, his Body-Mass Index now matches his approval rating. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

There have been a myriad of sporadic cease-fires in the Middle East over the last sixty years. Indeed, over the last three millenia, and each has proved but a tiny foyer opening onto yet another grand dark ballroom, whose weary dancers waltz endlessly to the dismal music of war. Still, I think this one's going to last. Call it a hunch. — Rob Corddry

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 15, 2006

Terror / Danger / Madman

9/11, "War On Terror" Humor Politics

Pardon my cynicism, but why are US airports full of machine-gun toting police and soldiers after the plot is uncovered?

Three months before an election.

Here's a Jon Stewart bit from February, 2004, a little reminder how the Bush/Cheney White House is all about pushing the fear button:

Terrorists hope to make us afraid. That's why it's called terror. Bush, Cheney, et al do the terrorists' work by constantly reminding us to be afraid.

Meanwhile, expect more pre-election Terror Alerts. They think we're suckers.

Update: YouTube pulled the video. It was good though. :-)

Posted by Jonathan at 05:28 PM | Comments (3) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I don't want to say that President Bush's approval rating is low but the Republican party has a special offer now for any donor who payed $10K in the past to have their picture taken with President Bush. Now for $20K they'll destroy the picture. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush, of course, is responding to the crisis. He's on vacation. That's his plan. He'll show them ... President Bush is on vacation in Texas right now. This is true. He's urging his staff to join the 100-degree club by running three miles in 100-degree heat. Experts say it's proof that the president an come up with a bad idea at any level. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This is the latest: While on vacation, President Bush, I guess this was in the paper today, reportedly is reading a book about Abraham Lincoln or as President Bush calls him: the guy from the pennies. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 10, 2006

"Tough Day, Great Opportunity"

Humor Palestine/Middle East

There's silly satire, and there's satire with real bite. This bit from The Daily Show is the latter — exactly as it should be. I can't recommend it highly enough. Watch it, then watch it again:

Outstanding.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (5) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday President Bush denied that Iraq is close to a civil war saying, "Civil War. What Civil War?" Coincidentally, that's the same thing Bush used to say in his American History class. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Yesterday President Bush flew out to his prairie-chapel ranch in Crawford, Texas, to begin his eleven-day vacation. It's not really a ranch. There's no cows or horses. It's more like an estate. But ranch sounds better. You know, like when you call Iraq a democracy. It sounds better. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

We talk a lot about Iraq, the Middle East, and Baghdad in particular, which hasn't had what they call utility services. They haven't had water, electric return to the state the way they were before the war, but the United States isn't really doing so great with that here either. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush had his annual medical exam this week. The doctors said the president remains in excellent health and is fit for duty. In fact so fit today the National Guard called and said "So how about serving your time now?" The doctors said his heart rate, blood pressure and cholesterol are all pretty good. The only bad number is his approval rating. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush had his annual physical this week. Doctors said that the president is in excellent shape. The country has gone to hell. But he's in good shape. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

An Inconvenient Truth: There has never been a better time for a movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned theater than right now. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 01:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

More serious newspapers in Israel are now starting to question their government's actions in Lebanon. The critics say Israel leaders underestimated the strength of the enemy, didn't have a well thought-out military plan, and may have gotten them bogged down in a quagmire fighting a guerrilla war in a foreign country. Well, thank god our leaders would never let anything like that happen. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 02, 2006

Political Science

Humor Politics Rights, Law

Good old Onion:

Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self
WASHINGTON, DC — In a decisive 1–0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.

"I promise the American people that I will not abuse this new power, unless it becomes necessary to grant myself the power to do so at a later time." [...]

"In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to make the tough decisions, including, if need be, the decision to grant himself even more power," Bush said. "To do otherwise would be playing into the hands of our enemies."

About sums it up.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:35 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush spent hours talking about a possible solution to the Mid East crisis until staffers had to pull him aside and say, "Mr. President, that's Taylor Hicks. Prime Minster Blair is still outside waiting." — Jay Leno

This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big "American Idol" winner, and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

August 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush hosted the "American Idol" finalists in the Oval Office. Well sure, there's not really anything else going on. Bush is very, very busy. Tomorrow he meets with the Pirates of the Caribbean. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In a speech, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Either we are serious about this war or we are not." Of course, people didn't know if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war against people who disagree with him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:54 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: "They did what?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there were in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

George Bush is a "Wheel of Fortune" President in a "Jeopardy" world. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 08:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 26, 2006

World's Funniest Joke

The world's funniest joke, according to psychology professor Richard Wiseman, University of Hertfordshire (Telegraph, via Lew Rockwell):

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Got a better one? Leave it in the comments.

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (8) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week — all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for a cease-fire. No, she's there for a "sustainable cease-fire," which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

People still talking about President Bush's use of a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit. It's not a big deal, President Bush using a four-letter word. Now if President Bush used a four-syllable word... — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white...Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong — even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it. — Jon Stewart

On White House press secretary Tony Snow classifying civilian casualties as a lamentable side effect of war: "It's not murder, it's a lamentable side effect. The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:56 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

[A]fter six years of silence, [President Bush] finally stood up and testified at the NAACP Convention in Washington. Now a lot of people assumed the president would get a chilly reception. Wrong. The NAACP embraced him. The man got huge applause. Take a look [on screen: Bush receiving applause after saying, "I understand many African Americans distrust my political party"]. Showered with love. — Stephen Colbert

For the first time in his presidency, President Bush addressed the NAACP convention. For five years he was asked to appear at the NAACP, but didn't make it. Well, that's nothing. He was asked to appear at the National Guard for six years and never made any of those either. — Jay Leno

Actually, it almost didn't happen. When President Bush overheard a couple of staff members saying he was going to give a speech at the NAACP, Bush got mad. He said, "You can't fool me, I know what that spells." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A lot of people are complaining about how long it's taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? We couldn't even evacuate Americans from New Orleans. — Jay Leno

The Middle East crisis continues right now. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in Lebanon say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

So hot today down in Washington, D.C., President Bush said, "Maybe there is something to this global warming sh*t." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Valerie Plame. You know who she is? She was the CIA agent whose name was leaked to the press and is now suing Vice President Dick Cheney for violating her constitutional rights. She's suing Dick Cheney. Is that smart? Even the guy who Dick Cheney shot in the face isn't suing him — and he's a lawyer. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 08:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush has gone to the G8 Summit in Russia. The White House says he's going to try and convince other world leaders to develop nuclear power. Apparently, it's working, because so far, Bush has convinced Iran and North Korea. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 08:57 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

July 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, "I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig."] He may have the honor of slicing the pig?? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 02:01 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a "de-escalation of Mid-East violence." Later, Bush called for both sides to "de-angrify" and "de-hurt" each other. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 01:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan the other day where he promised to defeat the Taliban. Didn't we do that already? He's also sworn we will soon capture Saddam Hussein. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said today we should be patient with North Korea and use diplomacy and not rush into any kind of military actions. You know what that means? No oil over there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The government of Afghanistan has sent a letter to the news stations and all journalists in that country ordering them to report only favorable news about the government. Now I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember they don't have Fox News over there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 10, 2006

One Red Paper Clip

This is a fun story.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Frustrated members of the Iraqi Parliament are encouraging the US to form a new government. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to Tony Snow, the reason Norm Minetta left his Cabinet post of Transportation Secretary is because "he wants to." That's the kind of insight you expect from a Bush Administration spokesperson. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

[On AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a "full ground war" against the United States:] Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 04:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Crime has jumped to its highest level since 1993. I.e., the last time a Bush was in the White House. Coincidence? I think not. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 03:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Do you know this story? Today President Bush criticized the New York Times for revealing a government program to spy on people's bank accounts. President Bush defended it. Bush said, "If you want to figure out what bad people are doing, follow the money." He's right. That's how we got Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

To his credit President Bush knew all the protocol when meeting the Japanese prime minister. He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

How about the weather in Washington? Oh my God. The rain, or as they're calling it, Al Gore's revenge. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

At the White House President Bush was going to have a screening of Al Gore's movie on global warming, but they cancelled it because the theater was flooded. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 06:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

July 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A powerful storm in Washington, D.C. knocked over a 100-year-old Elm tree on the White House lawn. President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The White House is mad at the New York Times because they broke the story that the White House is secretly tracking our banking transactions. They're looking out for when people suddenly withdraw large amounts of cash — you know, either terrorists or people who need to fill up their SUV. In fact, President Bush is so angry at the New York Times he said today he's not even going to pretend to read it anymore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The flooding was so bad in Washington that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president and said, "You're on your own pal." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 27, 2006

Bumper Sticker

Bumper sticker I saw tonight:

BILLIONAIRES FOR BUSH
Tax cuts for the rich create jobs. Honest.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:53 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily, the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush got back tonight from his very brief trip to Europe. Boy, remember the old days when it used to take longer than two days to visit all of our allies? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is in Austria. He's trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:14 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States...I was thinking about this and I was like, "Oh hell, that's Leno's problem." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It was so hot today that President Bush met with European leaders just for the chilly reception. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is creating a Marine sanctuary in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest islands of Hawaii. You know what that means? No oil there. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Republicans in the House of Representatives forced everyone to spend an entire day discussing a non-binding resolution praising the troops and labeling Iraq part of the War on Terror. Later they will debate a resolution declaring kittens "adorable". — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. ... They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Supreme Court has ruled that with a warrant, police no longer have to knock before kicking your door in. Unless, of course, you're the Vice President of the United States and we're talking about shooting a man in the face. Then you can come back tomorrow. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Today in Iraq, the new prime minister instituted a ban on guns. Hey, good luck with that. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:38 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

[President Bush, you] were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 04:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The president was [in Iraq] for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then...with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping...He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura — Ahmed Chalabi's "Desperation." It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma — smells awful...Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, "I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here." — Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Posted by Jonathan at 12:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 14, 2006

Robert Newman's History Of Oil

Activism Humor Media War and Peace

This is absolutely, bar none, the most brilliant piece of political video ever. Also the funniest. No contest.

Learn the real cause of the First World War. Learn what Salvador Dali's checkbook has to do with the Axis of Evil and the current invasion of Iraq. And many more things besides.

It's genius.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:29 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Last week, we did lose one of the best. Tom DeLay gave his farewell speech to the House of Representatives. A brilliant speech and I believe some day DeLay's final address to Congress will be mentioned in the same breath as the preamble to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address. In fact, I just did it. That some day is today. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 09:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 02:13 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better. — David Letterman

Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

[Clip of Bush: "America is a free society, which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives."] And that's why I want to ban gay people from getting married. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place. — David Letterman

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was "mean, vicious, and hateful." So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage. And yet [the 2004 election campaign] was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I don't know about you guys, but I am so sick and tired of these lying, thieving, holier-than-thou, rightwing, cruel, crude, rude, gauche, coarse, crass, cocky, corrupt, dishonest, debauched, degenerate, dissolute, swaggering, lawyer shooting, bullhorn shouting, infra-structure destroying, buck passing, hysterical, criminal, history defying, finger pointing, puppy stomping, roommate appointing, pretzel choking, collateral damaging, aspersion casting, wedding party bombing, clearcutting, torturing, jobs outsourcing, torture out-sourcing, election fixing, women’s rights eradicating, Medicare cutting, uncouth, spiteful, boorish, vengeful, jingoistic, homophobic, xenophobic, xylophonic, racist, sexist, ageist, fascist, cashist, audaciously stupid, brazenly selfish, lethally ignorant, journalist purchasing, genocide ignoring, corporation kissing, poverty inducing, crooked, coercive, autocratic, primitive, uppity, high-handed, domineering, arrogant, inhuman, inhumane, inbred, inept, insipid, incapable, incompetent, ineffectual, insolent, insincere, know-it-all, snotty, pompous, contemptuous, supercilious, gutless, spineless, shameless, avaricious, noxious, poisonous, imperious, merciless, graceless, tactless, brutish, brutal, Karl Roving, backward thinking, persistent vegetative state grandstanding, nuclear option threatening, evolution denying, irony deprived, consciously depraved, conceited, perverted, peremptory invading, thirty-five day vacation taking, bribe soliciting, hellish, smarty pants, loudmouth, bullying, swell headed, ethics eluding, domestic spying, medical marijuana busting, Halliburtoning, narcissistic, undiplomatic, blustering, malevolent, demonizing, Duke Cunninghamming, hectoring, dry drunk, Muslim baiting, hurricane disregarding, oil company hugging, judge packing, science disputing, faith based advocating, armament selling, nonsense spewing, education ravaging, whiny, insane, unscrupulous, lily livered, greedy (exponential factor fifteen), fraudulent, delusional, CIA outing, redistricting, anybody who disagrees with them slandering, fact twisting, ally alienating, betraying, chickenhawk, sell out, quisling, god and flag waving, scare mongering, Cindy Sheehan libeling, smirking, bastardly, voting machine tampering, sociopathic, cowardly, treasonous, Constitution shredding, oppressive, vulgar, antagonistic, trust funding, nontipping, tyrannizing, peace hating, water and air and ground and media polluting (which is pretty much all the polluting you can get), deadly, traitorous, con man, swindling, pernicious, lethal, illegal, haughty, venomous, virulent, mephitic, egotistic, bloodthirsty, yellowbelly, hypocritical, Oedipal, did I say evil, I’m not sure if I said evil, because I want to make sure I say evil . . . EVIL, cretinous, slime buckets in the Bush Administration that I could just spit. Impeachment? Hell no. Impalement. Upon the sharp and righteous sword of the people's justice. Make it a curtain rod. Because it would hurt more. — Will Durst

Xylophonic?

Posted by Jonathan at 09:51 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

June 05, 2006

Evolution Of Dance

This is great fun. Make sure your computer's sound is turned on.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:15 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A survey of our troops in Iraq says 70% of them support a pullout within a year. Don’t these guys realize that when they say stuff like this it endangers our troops? — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 12:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Senate voted 63 to 34 to make English the official language of the United States, but they say as a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know, kind of like that ethics bill. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the "goodest news" he's heard in a long time. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

June 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier today, the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. was on lock down because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: "Cheney." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 30, 2006

Man Writes Poem

Another gem from Jay Leeming:

Poem: "Man Writes Poem" by Jay Leeming, from Dynamite on a China Plate. © The Backwaters Press. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)
Man Writes Poem

This just in a man has begun writing a poem
in a small room in Brooklyn. His curtains
are apparently blowing in the breeze. We go now
to our man Harry on the scene, what's

the story down there Harry? "Well Chuck
he has begun the second stanza and seems
to be doing fine, he's using a blue pen, most
poets these days use blue or black ink so blue

is a fine choice. His curtains are indeed blowing
in a breeze of some kind and what's more his radiator
is 'whistling' somewhat. No metaphors have been written yet,
but I'm sure he's rummaging around down there

in the tin cans of his soul and will turn up something
for us soon. Hang on—just breaking news here Chuck,
there are 'birds singing' outside his window, and a car
with a bad muffler has just gone by. Yes ... definitely

a confirmation on the singing birds." Excuse me Harry
but the poem seems to be taking on a very auditory quality
at this point wouldn't you say? "Yes Chuck, you're right,
but after years of experience I would hesitate to predict

exactly where this poem is going to go. Why I remember
being on the scene with Frost in '47, and with Stevens in '53,
and if there's one thing about poems these days it's that
hang on, something's happening here, he's just compared the curtains

to his mother, and he's described the radiator as 'Roaring deep
with the red walrus of History.' Now that's a key line,
especially appearing here, somewhat late in the poem,
when all of the similes are about to go home. In fact he seems

a bit knocked out with the effort of writing that line,
and who wouldn't be? Looks like ... yes, he's put down his pen
and has gone to brush his teeth. Back to you Chuck." Well
thanks Harry. Wow, the life of the artist. That's it for now,

but we'll keep you informed of more details as they arise.

Meant to be read aloud, for example at breakfast with dear friends on the terrace at Hotel Cheguamegon overlooking Lake Superior. Expect laughter and delight.

[Thanks, Mary and Matt]

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 29, 2006

Ego	Humor Poetry

This morning, at breakfast overlooking Lake Superior with my daughter Molly and a collection of my dearest friends, our friend Mary introduced us all to a wonderful young poet named Jay Leeming. A sample:

Getting rid of your ego
is like trying to throw away a garbage can.
No one believes you’re serious,
and the more you yell at the garbage men
the better the neighbors
remember your name.

Thanks, Mary.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not "discriminatious." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This [FBI raid] has really unified both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert...has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Well, there's a bright side to this [guilty verdict] for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Today the Republicans said this [FBI] raid [on Congressman Jefferson's office] may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was it when they were spying on our phone calls? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Conservative Republicans are very worried that there's no way to keep track of these illegal aliens. Yeah, we can't keep track of them unless they start making phone calls. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, "That's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the US/Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country — not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Last night was the season finale of "West Wing." "West Wing" is gone. And ABC has cancelled "Commander In Chief." So, now the only fictional president is Bush. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Keeping Reality At Bay

Defending the border with Reality. Bob Harris. Funny stuff.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans. No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

May 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut on capital gains, and it's all part of President Bush's "No Millionaire Left Behind" program. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 14, 2006

Live From New York

And while we're on the subject of Al Gore, check out this video from SNL. A funny bit, but also kind of heart-breaking. What could have been: an actual clued-in grownup in the White House.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Mother's Day is the busiest long distance phone calling day of the year. Over 300 million long distance calls. And those are just the ones being monitored by the White House. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:25 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to a new low, 31% [now 29%]. In recent memory, only four presidents have had lower approval ratings: the president of Exxon, the president of Chevron, the president of Conoco, the president of Shell. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The president said his brother Jeb "would be a great president." I guess we voted for the wrong one then. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:47 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The bird flu movie, here's what it is. The bird flu is coming, and government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they get this stuff? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

After just 18 months as CIA director, Porter Goss announced that he will be resigning his post to pursue a career as a scapegoat. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Porter Goss the head of the CIA resigned suddenly amid rumors that it has something to do with a floating party that's been going on at the Watergate hotel for years, which involves congressmen, lobbyists, defense contractors, and hookers. This is why you don't want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker — she might fall in with a bad crowd. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and toe the party line when he was doing it on Fox for free? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

All across the nation they had A Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The White House issued their recommendation for dealing with the bird flu. The first step, tax cuts for all birds. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, "pray that there's no hurricanes." Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The New Orleans Saints drafted Reggie Bush this past weekend. People in New Orleans are hoping this Bush will actually do something to help the city. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 02, 2006

Stephen Colbert In Full

The full performance by Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents dinner is available here. Seeing the whole thing, including reaction shots of President Bush, one can only agree with Jon Stewart's assessment last night: Colbert's performance was "ballsylicious". The stuff of comic legend.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:53 PM | Comments (3) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush says he wants to find alternative sources of energy. He says they're looking towards solar power. In fact, he and Rumsfeld are planning an invasion of the sun. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

May 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Josh Bolten has put together a five-point recovery plan to help push President Bush up in the opinion polls. How about a five-point plan to get out of Iraq, wouldn't that push up the opinion polls? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 30, 2006

Stephen Colbert Has Brass Balls

Stop what you're doing and go watch Stephen Colbert at last night's White House Correspondents dinner. Seriously. Stop what you're doing and go watch.

The clip is only the second half of his performance, but it's stunning. Bush was not amused, nor were many of the White House correspondents present.

The truth hurts.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:17 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The long-rumored merger between Fox News and the White House was made official this week, with the hiring of Fox News commentator Tony Snow to serve as the president's press secretary. A rebranding is in the works, and the new company will be called Integralux. The new way to govern. The company's expected to go public, uh, never. — Jon Stewart

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist?...Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 03:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 25, 2006

Slobbering Honey-Baby

Five students, ages 7-10, wrote speeches they'd like to hear from President Bush, assuming he somehow came to see the error of his ways.

Go here to hear them read by Bush impersonator Jim Meskimen. Great stuff.

[Thanks, Kevin]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:10 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, "Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will." I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] — whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati the week before, it was a perfect strike. But then, on the other hand, Cheney can read. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, "Stop the persecution, stop the torture!" President Bush had to ask, "Which one of us are you talking to?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. The bad news, they're all in the White House. As you know, staff members have been leaving the White House in droves. Today, press secretary Scott McClellan stepped down. He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family. — Jay Leno

There is no word yet on who will fill McClellan's shoes, although one rumored candidate is Tony Snow, a correspondent at Fox News. In other words, the White House is considering paying a Fox News reporter to tell the public what they want the public to hear. I hope he's up to the job. — Jon Stewart

[The Bush administration reads] the poll numbers, they know most Americans think their policies are failing, so they've responded by changing the person who tells us those policies. It's quite a bold move...Every house cleaning starts by replacing the doormat. — Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already under way in Iran. You know what that means, time to break out the old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Rumsfeld is defiant. He says he is not backing down and he says he's going to stick around and let people criticize him for the Iranian invasion. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

But not all the generals are against Rumsfeld. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. today that President Bush was leaking classified documents in the park. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The president of Iran has announced, "We are a nuclear country." ... You know what's scary about that? The president of Iran knows how to pronounce nuclear. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt — kind of like his approval rating...Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim. — Jay Leno

When Cheney came out on the field, he was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to Washington insiders, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he'd like to spend more time lying for his family. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Tom DeLay announced that he will not run for re-election. However, he said he would continue to serve the people of his state by making them license plates. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe — that President Bush is allowed to see classified information. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 10, 2006

Today Bush Joke

In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:31 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 08, 2006

Elvis Didn't Do No Drugs!

Penn & Teller take on the Bible (via The Atheist Jew):

Hilarious.

Fair warning: contains rational thought and, uh, profane language.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:09 PM | Comments (7) | Link to this

Today Bush Joke

This 56-year-old guy named Brian Doyle, the deputy press secretary of the Homeland Security Department, was arrested on 23 counts of using his government computer and cell pone to try and have sex with a 14-year-old girl. He would send these girls porno on the Web cam. Nice to see our surveillance cameras being used non-stop in the war against terror. — Jay Leno

A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now...Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security?...It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:48 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

April 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is a huge baseball fan. Did you know he once wanted to be a professional baseball player? He just didn't have the ability. Luckily, that's not a requirement to be president. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Indicted former Republican majority leader Tom DeLay announced he is resigning from Congress and he will not run for re-election. People were shocked. A Republican with an exit plan? ... They say this will be the first time Tom DeLay actually takes a vacation he pays for himself. — Jay Leno

I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks — going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation. — Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

Posted by Jonathan at 11:52 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 05, 2006

The Onion Does DeLay

The Onion on Tom DeLay:

Tom DeLay To Pursue Corruption In Private Sector
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who is facing several ethics violations and felony charges, announced Tuesday that he will resign from Congress in order to concentrate on corruption in the private sector. "I can say with a clear lack of conscience that, after 21 years of public disservice, I have done everything I could to the American people," DeLay said in a televised statement to constituents. "I have a lot to offer the corporate world, such as money laundering and influence-peddling."

Or, he'll do a Chuck Colson and come out of prison and declare himself to be a born-again preacher. At which point, if DeLay isn't instantly struck by lightning where he stands, we will have final proof of God's non-existence.

Posted by Jonathan at 09:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

He just gave a promotion to the guy who was in charge of our nine trillion dollar debt. You know what? I really think if you walked into a cabinet meeting and started hurling your feces at the wall, Bush would name a state after you. — Jon Stewart, on Bush naming Joshua Bolten his new chief of staff

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Saturday was April Fool's Day and President Bush had a great April Fool's joke planned. He thought he'd put out that old "Mission Accomplished" banner. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Last week, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:28 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the White House, but with more oil. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

April 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Dick Cheney said the other day that Democrats are not competent to fight the war in Iraq — this coming from a guy who shot a bird and hit a lawyer. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

You know Andrew Card? He resigned. I know what you're thinking: Who would leave a dream job like that? Finally somebody in the White House has an exit strategy. — David Letterman

Andy Card resigned. Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Here now a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's "downtime suite": He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. ... Cheney wants bottled water, decaffeinated coffee. He wants his lights on. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TVs must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, "My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraq War!" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief...Now we find out the specific instructions — that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, "Send educational software." — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The FBI is investigating Americans — just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, don't applaud, I don't want to get investigated! — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA basketball tournament. Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Osama bin Laden says the US won’t take him alive. If I were him, I'd hide somewhere lacking US federal presence. Might want to try New Orleans' 9th Ward. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 12:19 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Cheney says there is no civil war in Iraq and that the violence is directed towards us. Wow, talk about good news, bad news. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 08:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

We just had the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that Mission Accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC. — David Letterman

There are two sides in Iraq right now fighting. The side that hates us and the side that really hates us. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this, he was stunned. He was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser. — David Letterman

Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in Maryland with swindling Target and some other department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made off without about $5000 or so, which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier this week, the Pentagon launched the biggest air attack in Iraq since 2003. The White House said the attack will continue until President Bush's approval rating goes above 40%. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Bush said canceling the ports deal sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It's now believed Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which could be big trouble — because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won't tolerate, it's a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass destruction, but doesn't. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony. — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said "Oh my God, what the hell happened here?" — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:01 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush says America has caused an incredible transformation in Afghanistan. He said everything's being rebuilt, people are getting jobs, kids are going back to school. He said it works so well that he's thinking of trying it in New Orleans. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 02:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains. — Tina Fey

President Bush was also in Pakistan. Which is a little scary. When they landed there they landed in the dark with the lights off and all the shades pulled down. So if you count the Dubai deal, that's the second time President Bush has been operating in the dark. — Jay Leno

At least in India he was greeted by thousands of people waving American flags. They were on fire. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 10, 2006

Mel & Floyd On The Web

If you live here in Madison, you probably know about the "Mel & Floyd Show" on WORT radio. It's the funniest political commentary this side of The Daily Show.

If you're not from Madison, you don't know what you've been missing, but now WORT's streaming on the Internet, so you can listen in from anywhere in the world.

Fridays, 1 to 2 PM Central Time. Mark your calendars. Five stars.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:47 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Republicans in Congress want to stop the sale of those six sea ports to that Dubai company even though President Bush supports the deal. Republican congressmen say this issue involves something even more important than loyalty to the president: saving their own asses on election day in November. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

On the port deal, a lot of Republican congressmen are saying let's not rush to judgment, let's investigate it and be sure of our facts. Gee, too bad they didn't try that before we invaded Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:03 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush got off the plane in Pakistan and said, "Pakistan is a force for freedom in the Arab world." Only problem there is Pakistan is not free and they're not Arab. ... Earlier in the week he referred to the people of India as Native Americans. — Bill Maher

Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, "Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The video tape that everybody is talking about this week is the one of President Bush being warned by federal disaster officials repeatedly the day before Katrina struck. They're constantly saying to him it's going to happen, and he doesn't ask a single question. I think it's a shame the president's performance was too late for this year's Oscars because, usually when you play a retarded guy, you're going to win. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Situational Science

Humor Science/Technology

This is great. Does make me wince, though. If only it were just a joke.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 06, 2006

Star Quality

From James Wolcott's Oscar post:

Lauren Bacall, not the nicest star, but one who will be forever endearable for telling Norman Podhoretz to buzz off and stop bothering her at a party by snapping, "Can't you see I'm talking to my equals?"

Damn! Wouldn't you love, just once before you die, to come up with a crack as perfect as that?

Posted by Jonathan at 11:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left. — Conan O'Brien

He was only in Afghanistan for four hours. That may not sound like much, but it's more time than he spent in the Texas National Guard. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:51 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A web site called HeroBuilders.com is now selling a Dick Cheney action figure. The nice thing is the Cheney action figure fits right into your back pocket, so you can walk around and pretend you're an oil company executive. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:43 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 04, 2006

Bumper Sticker

Seen in traffic today:

Evolution is only a theory.
You know, like gravity.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:59 PM | Comments (6) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

They're now talking about bringing in a guy from Dubai to run the country. — Jay Leno, on Bush's low approval ratings

Even Tom DeLay is saying this port deal is a big mistake. He said if the people of Dubai want to be involved in our government, they should do it through proper channels and write him a big giant campaign check. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:32 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush, talking about the port deal, he said we Americans have nothing to fear from the Dubai government running our ports. I know a good way for President Bush to convince everyone of that — let the Dubai government handle his security. Hey if it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for him. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button. — David Letterman

President Bush also going to visit Pakistan. I think he wants to put them in charge of our airport security. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

March 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said "Mission Accomplished." — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:57 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 27, 2006

Al Knows

Make your own here.

Posted by Jonathan at 06:11 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A firm owned by Dubai's government has purchased the rights to operate sea ports in six major American cities. A move the White House approved without telling Congress. Even worse, everyone found out about the sale from that Texas quail hunt rancher lady. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 11:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot. — Jay Leno

We're turning our ports over to the Arabs. We can't even turn Iraq over to the Arabs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six US ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing? — Jay Leno

President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control of American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:37 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Mardi Gras starts this week in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 21, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing. The only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun. — Bill Maher

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan after all. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 12:39 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, "Hey, does a vice president shoot in the woods?" — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood? — Jay Leno

Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq. — David Letterman

Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They called it "Interview with a Marksman." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 16, 2006

Faster Than ADSL

If you're familiar at all with Internet protocol terminology and concepts, this is just hilarious. I especially loved the description of the PUSH router. Too funny.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:29 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow. — David Letterman

The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again. — David Letterman

If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than shooting your buddy in the ass? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney. — David Letterman

Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him? — Jay Leno

Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects...But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about...Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it. — Jon Stewart

The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face. — Rob Corddry

The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep. — Craig Ferguson

But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his pact with the devil. — Jimmy Kimmel

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 13, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is taking this very, very seriously. He's now asking all cartoon characters not to travel to the Middle East. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

I'm sure you know by know Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:06 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls. — Stephen Colbert

Posted by Jonathan at 12:20 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

As for what exactly a bad day for Bush might look like, oh, how about being a captive audience member at the funeral of a civil rights pioneer in front of thousands of people, none of whom voted for you except the woman sitting right next to you and possibly your dad. But I'm not even sure he's buying it anymore. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

There was a tribute to the Dance Theater of Harlem down there in Washington at the White House, and after dinner, Bush and his wife got up and danced for the crowd. And I was thinking about this. I believe the last time Bush danced for a black audience was when he tried to explain FEMA's response. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Just 24 hours after President Bush promised to reduce America's dependence on oil on Tuesday, his Energy Secretary and national economic advisor said he didn't really mean it. They're blaming it on his new speechwriter, "A Million Little Pieces" author James Frey. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The president said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, "Brokeback Mountain." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

If you didn't catch the speech, President Bush said we must move beyond a petroleum-based economy, then Dick Cheney clutched his heart and said "No, no!" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

There was one awkward moment when the president's SOTU speech was interrupted by a standing ovation from crooked lobbyists. — David Letterman

I have to say I was a little disappointed. Not once did Bush apologize to Oprah for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The State of the Union address was stopped 72 times for applause and another 30 for subpoenas. — David Letterman

One of the big topics was all the new jobs that have been created. A lot of new jobs have been created. They're all in India. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 03, 2006

Iraq: The Musical

Activism Humor Iraq

The Scarlet Pimpernel of freewayblogger.com has posted an animated musical bit on Iraq, dancing Abu Ghraib figures and all.

Go here and click on Iraq: The Musical.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:27 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch to watch the Super Bowl. — Jay Leno

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. That might not mean much to you, but to President Bush it means a month off at the ranch. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 02, 2006

Good Ol' Onion

The Onion proves once again why it deserves to call itself America's Finest News Source (the Daily Show aside):

President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals
In his State of the Union address to the nation last night, President Bush announced a new cabinet-level position to coordinate all current and future scandals facing his party.

"Tonight, by executive order, I am creating a permanent department with a vital mission: to ensure that the political scandals, underhanded dealings, and outright criminal activities of this administration are handled in a professional and orderly fashion," Bush said.

The centerpiece of Bush's plan is the Department Of Corruption, Bribery, And Incompetence, which will centralize duties now dispersed throughout the entire D.C.-area political establishment.

The Scandal Secretary will log all wiretaps and complaints of prisoner abuse, coordinate paid-propaganda efforts, eliminate redundant payoffs and bribes, oversee the appointment of unqualified political donors to head watchdog agencies, control all leaks and other high-level security breaches, and oversee the disappearance of Iraq reconstruction funds. He will also be responsible for issuing all official denials that laws have been broken.

"Many of the current scandals in Washington are crucial to the success of my priorities for the nation," Bush said. "The Department of Corruption will safeguard these important misdeeds."

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card characterized the president's announcement as part of a larger effort to usher in a "new era of scandal management." [...]

The Scandal Secretary will choose the elected official or business leader who will assume full responsibility for each scandal once it reaches fruition. His department will pen all tearful apologies and plea agreements and make all necessary arrangements for the designated scapegoat's transition to a think tank, consultancy, law-partner position, or, if unavoidable, cursory stint in a minimum-security prison.

Leading candidates for Scandal Secretary include Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff, Scooter Libby, and FEMA's Brownie. Formidable competition indeed.

Posted by Jonathan at 04:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush gave his State of the Union address...Did you notice, a lot of Republican congressmen were not applauding President Bush. It's hard when you're wearing handcuffs. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

February 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Whenever I see George Bush speak while Dick Cheney drinks a glass of water, I can't help but silently applaud. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 31, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush announced plans to personally get involved in the combat against bird flu. I guess we can expect him to run the operation from the Alabama National Guard again. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 30, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Justice Department prosecutors are not expected to try and link President Bush to either the Libby or Abramoff scandals. They realize "the President knows nothing" is a phrase with a lot of credibility with prospective jurors. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 29, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Dick Cheney was given a clear bill of health by doctors at the Bethesda Naval hospital. Bet he hasn't felt this relieved since getting his 5th deferment. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 02:07 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 28, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Inspiring developments — Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh — it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 01:02 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 27, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 26, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Ultimately, Stephen Harper, the conservative, is the new prime minister, ending 13 years of liberal rule in Canada. They picked up not as many parliamentary seats as they thought they might, but they picked up quite a few, more than the liberals. Martin has resigned as liberal party head. But the real question on everybody's mind is, can we still stitch their flags on our backpacks to get through Europe? — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 08:34 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 25, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The Republican Congress is ready to push through lobbyist reform. Although direct deposit will still be a viable option. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 08:36 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 24, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 01:57 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 23, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 22, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 21, 2006

The Zeal Of Molecules

Fun with chemistry: thermite vs. liquid nitrogen, thermite vs. a French car. Video (via John Robb).

Posted by Jonathan at 05:22 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:57 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 20, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction.— Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 19, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Supreme Court Nominee Samuel Alito has a blend of coffee named after him at a Newark, New Jersey, coffee roaster. Its called Bold Justice, although I think Right Wing Wake Up Call has a better ring. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 18, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted during an interview this week that he has smacked his children, though only because he believed reports that they were carrying weapons of mass destruction. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 17, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Last Thursday, the president tried to counter the growing criticism of his Iraq policy by gathering together 13 former secretaries of defense and state, a regular who's who of who's blown up what. Also on the guest list, Robert McNamara, defense secretary during the Vietnam era. The White House invited him to ensure that at least someone in the room had fu*ked up more than they have. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 16, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wiretaps. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 15, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to the Washington Post, Vice President Dick Cheney is limping today because he injured his foot. Cheney said "If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:40 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 14, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 13, 2006

The Best Blonde Joke Ever

Some of my best friends are blondes, but how could I not link to this: the best blonde joke ever.

Posted by Jonathan at 01:16 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Lobbyist Jack Abramoff's legal fees are going to be astronomical. He might even be forced to lay off a couple of Republican Senators. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 12, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 06:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 11, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Things are so bad now the Iraqis are offering to help us restore democracy in Washington. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

January 10, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen...Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 09, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Congressmen are actually now returning illegal gifts. I called the weather bureau, and sure enough, hell has frozen over. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 08, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Donald Trump running for president. I blame George Bush. He lowered the standard. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:05 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 07, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are telephone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: Hello? What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:24 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 06, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Our torture stance is very simple. We don’t torture people. Never have. Never will. We just don't want to rule it out. — Will Durst

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 05, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

It's the start of a new year and President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 04, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 03, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 02, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, "I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq." When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran. — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

January 01, 2006

Today's Bush Joke

You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:51 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 31, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Today three wise men arrived at the White House. They're lawyers trying to help President Bush avoid impeachment. They brought gold and other things. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Let's see what is going on with George W. Bush. Do you know what the "W" stands for? Wiretap. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:11 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas cards to friends this year did not say "Merry Christmas". nstead they said, "Sorry about the indictment." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Newsweek magazine is reporting that President Bush called in the editor and publisher of the New York Times two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here's my question. How did he know they were going to publish it? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

That's the big story, you know. President Bush and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your phone were telemarketers? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 08:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:00 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:26 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 04:17 PM | Comments (1) | Link to this

December 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

In his 318th speech on Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 22, 2005

Coal In Your Stocking

In other Christmas news, here's a little item from The Onion:

With winter's onset driving the demand for surface coal to record-high levels, the mineral's cost is now beyond the reach of low- and middle-income Americans who wish to punish their naughty children. "Coal in one's stocking is meant to serve as an admonishment or warning, not as a dependable grade-B investment," said William Menchell, a commodities adviser for T. Rowe Price.

Posted by Jonathan at 03:56 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his warm holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far-off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments? — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 21, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, "The what and the who?" — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:35 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can't blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:48 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:18 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

The general election's taken place in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:27 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 15, 2005

A Christmas Poem From Rep. Dingell

Here (via Atrios).

Posted by Jonathan at 06:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Store Wars

This is priceless. Laugh-out-loud funny, and oh so clever.

Go see for yourself.

[Thanks, Carie]

Posted by Jonathan at 04:07 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% — like it was on Election Day. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey with, it's a curfew. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 11:00 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sounds like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

First Lady Laura Bush read "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" to a group of children. Unfortunately, the first lady was interrupted when Dick Cheney yelled "Go Grinch." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 03:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. that Dick Cheney had to take the chains off a detainee and put them on his car. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 03:09 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, "What? We had a plan?" — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 08, 2005

Jon Stewart's Kwanzaa Gift To Bill O'Reilly

Humor Media Politics

A follow-up on yesterday's Bill O'Reilly and the fake war against Christmas item: Jon Stewart did a funny bit on it last night. Go here, and click "Secular Central".

And Atrios makes a good point: as silly as all this is, it's annoying that the wingnuts are managing to politicize what most people think of as a nice, loving holiday season that brings people together. Wedge Issues R Us.

Posted by Jonathan at 11:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

In Texas, President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can't even get out of jury duty. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

You know whose birthday it is today? General George Custer. And like President Bush, he had no exit strategy either. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:49 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq." — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

It seems the Pentagon has been paying Iraqi journalists to promote a proWhite House view in Iraqi newspapers. See, luckily, we don't have that kind of thing here. We have Fox News. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:44 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush's approval rating now down to 35%. To give you an idea about how unpopular President Bush is right now, he wasn't even invited to the White House Christmas party. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush was called for jury duty in Texas. Whew, finally some good news for Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:15 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 02, 2005

Dubya's Briefing Book

Environment Humor

A briefing book on global warming, created just for Dubya, here.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:40 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Laughing At Bombastic Bill

Courtesy of Atrios, a listener's reaction (audio - mp3) to Bill O'Reilly. Priceless.

Posted by Jonathan at 05:34 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:50 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

December 01, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

A hunk of marble fell from the front of the Supreme Court building, a big hunk of marble. I believe it was the biggest thud at the Supreme Court since Harriet Miers. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 30, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

In Baghdad, the trial of Saddam Hussein began again today, after a five-week delay which saw two of the former dictator's lawyers executed and a third flee the country. In addition, the trial was adjourned after it was discovered that a key witness against Saddam had been found dead. Although, on the bright side, that witness died of cancer. Which I believe in Iraq is a very hopeful sign. To see someone there live long enough to die of a disease, I think they're turning things around. — Jon Stewart

Posted by Jonathan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 29, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

The former head of FEMA, Michael Brown, has decided to go into business for himself as an emergency management consultant. That's like Robert Blake deciding to become a marriage counselor. He's even got a great slogan — when you call Michael Brown, you know it's a disaster. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:10 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 28, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

In an interview in GQ, rap artist 50 Cent says he is a big fan of President Bush. This increases President Bush's approval rating among African Americans to one. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:45 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 27, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

According to the latest poll, a majority of Americans think President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are not telling the truth. How ironic is that? You ever think you'd see the day where you missed the honesty of Bill Clinton? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 26, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Dick Cheney said he is particularly upset when critics say they lied us into the war. I say fine. Just lie us back out and we'll call it even. How about that? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 25, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency. — Tina Fey

Posted by Jonathan at 10:25 AM | Comments (1) | Link to this

November 24, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Of course people will be eating turkey on Thanksgiving. A lot of people like to bake it, some broil it, a lot of people pan fry their turkey, some roast it. Dick Cheney plans to have the CIA torture his. — David Letterman

Earlier today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Here's an interesting fact. Do you know how they pick the turkey to give the presidential pardon to? They see which one gave the most money to Tom DeLay. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 01:12 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 23, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush had an embarrassing moment after holding a press conference in China, did you see this on the news? He tried to leave the room, but the doors were locked. Once again, no exit strategy. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:53 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 22, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority and a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, "Millions? With an M? That's adorable." — Amy Poehler

Posted by Jonathan at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 21, 2005

Jon Stewart Nails Cheney

Humor Iraq Politics

Go here and click on "Weakened Update" to watch The Daily Show With Jon Stewart nail a variety of targets, Dick "We'll be greeted as liberators" "Last throes of the insurgency" Cheney most of all. Be sure to catch the end.

Puts the rest of the media to shame.

Posted by Jonathan at 07:21 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush is on an 8-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs. He's spending 8 days in the Orient, and as we all know, he's spent the last four years in disorient. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 20, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush, is on his Asian tour now. He'll visit Japan, China, South Korea, Mongolia. Once again, he's skipping Vietnam. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 02:17 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 19, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

George Bush's brother Jeb, who is the governor of Florida, says he wants to be president. And you can't blame him. Right now the Bush name is magic. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 18, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 17, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Vice President Dick Cheney is in town. He has been squeezing in as many fundraisers as possible before his indictment. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 16, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 15, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 14, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

When these oil company executives walked into the Capitol building, all these senators and congressmen were scared and nervous. It's always a little nerve-wracking when the real owners of the place show up. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 13, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said "I'm not going to act all upset and hurt because I don't have that kind of range." — Conan O'Brien

Posted by Jonathan at 12:41 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 12, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

The chiefs of the five major oil companies defended their companies' huge profits before a congressional committee. See, this gave oil company executives a chance to put a face to the names they write on the checks. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 11, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

That President Bush, I'm telling you I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. His approval rating is at an all-time low, 35%. For the first time, it's actually lower than his grades at Yale. — David Letterman

Posted by Jonathan at 10:20 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 10, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Well, while all this is going on, all these indictments, President Bush has now ordered everyone in the White House to attend ethics classes. Woo, not a moment too soon on that one. Now, you thought FEMA was late? — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 09, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Things are not going well for Scooter Libby. You see him walking around on crutches? Yeah, apparently he hurt his ankle taking the fall for Karl Rove. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 08, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

President Bush was greeted by ten thousand demonstrators screaming "get out Bush, get out Bush." And that was here at the airport before he left. — Jay Leno, on Bush's trip to Argentina

Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 07, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

The White House, for the first time, didn't open the door for Halloween trick-or-treaters. It's not terrorism, they're just worried that someone will come to the door with a subpoena. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 10:32 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 06, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said "Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years." — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:33 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 05, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Senator Chuck Grassley has written to the oil companies asking them to donate a portion of their nearly hundred billion dollar oil profits to help low income people buy heat this winter. The oil companies responded by offering millions of dollars to someone to run against Grassley in the next primary. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 12:46 PM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 04, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

Three kids came to my house on Halloween dressed as Bush, Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. I gave them some candy and they just kept standing there. I said, "Okay, you can go," and they said "Oh, we can't, we don't have an exit strategy," so they're still there at the house. — Jay Leno

Posted by Jonathan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | Link to this

November 03, 2005

Today's Bush Joke

According to the latest poll, if Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. To which Bush replied, "Again?" — Jay Leno