July 26, 2006
|World's Funniest Joke||Humor & Fun|
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Got a better one? Leave it in the comments.
A man is robbing a house in the middle of the night. With his flashlight he spots the stereo. He unplugs the wires, sets it by the door, and then hears a faint voice that says “Jesus is watching.” Spooked, the man turns his flashlight off and freezes. After a few minutes of silence he continues. He spots the T.V. with his flashlight and unplugs it. As he’s setting it by the door he hears the faint voice again, “Jesus is watching”. This time the man faces his fear and begins shinning the flashlight around the room. “Who’s there?” he shouts, and then spots a caged parrot in the corner.
He walks over to the bird and asks “Are you the one making all the noise?”
“That’s right, I’m Moses” says the parrot.
“Moses!” the man laughs, “What’s the big idea. You nearly gave me a heart attack”.
“I’m just trying to warn you” says the parrot.
“Warn me, ha! What kind of person names a bird Moses anyway?”
Moses replies “The same kind of person that names their rottweiler Jesus.”
Posted by: Jeff at July 26, 2006 12:51 PM
Mickey Mouse is concerned about his and Minnie's marriage, and sees a counselor. At the end of the session, the counselor agrees to speak with Minnie.
The counselor says to Mickey "I spoke with your wife, and I must say, I didn't find any evidence of mental instability; she is not crazy."
Mickey says "Crazy!? I never said Minnie is crazy. I said she's fucking Goofy!"
Posted by: Gumpa at July 26, 2006 02:02 PM
This was the 2nd place joke in the study:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Posted by: Jonathan at July 26, 2006 04:01 PM
An atheist is hiking through the woods. He hears a noise from behind so he turns to look. He sees a bear in the distance. Keeping his cool, not wanting to spook the bear, the man simply continues to walk hoping the bear will head off in another direction. But no luck, the noise gets louder, the man turns and the bear is closer. The man decides to walk a little faster but the noise continues to get louder. The man looks again and the bear is about 10 feet away so the man begins to run. The bear gains on him and raises one of his paws in the air. The man can see the bear's sharp claws and is stricken with fear. In desperation he shouts, “Oh God! Save me”.
All of sudden everything stops, frozen in time, and the man hears a loud, thunderous voice from above “Hello my child. I cannot save you for you do not believe. If you believe I can save you.”
The man, still scarred, out of breath and conflicted says “No, no, I’m an atheist.”
God replies, “Then I’m afraid I cannot save you.”
The man, struggling to save his life asks “If you can’t save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?”
God ponders this for a moment, and says “Your wish has come true my child, the bear is now a Christian.” And poof, everything goes back into motion.
The bear having lost all its momentum falls straight to the ground. Confused, it shakes its head as it looks up and sees the man. The bear’s eyes get really big. The man, frozen with suspense, can do nothing but watch to see what the bear will do. The bear bows its head and places its paws together. This brings great relief to the man for he can clearly see the bear is in fact a Christian and simply saying a prayer.
Then the bear speaks, “Thank you Lord, for this meal I’m about to receive...”
Posted by: Jeff at July 26, 2006 07:36 PM
Their were three men lost in a dessert with no water. Close to the end for themthey came across a fancy bottle. They rubbed and opened it, thinking it may be something to drink or eat. POOOOOF - out comes a Jeanie. I will grant each of you one wish.
The 1rst. guy says, I wish I was on my own big boat with lots of girls, beer and food. Poooooof, he was gone.
The second guy says, I wish I was home with a pizza watching a new big screen TV. Pooooof, he was gone.
The 3rd. guy was a little hesitant, and finnaly said; oh I just can't think, I wish my freinds were back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: nan at July 27, 2006 11:47 AM
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant in Norfolk, Virginia, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do. Okay?" They agreed, but once he'd left, Joe called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's five bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.
Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he started, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "um, one third x cubed?"
Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and an irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
Posted by: Gumpa at July 28, 2006 10:53 AM
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at
the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s
problem was but the boys would constantly tease him at not
being too smart. To prove it, sometimes they would offer him the choice
between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents)
Johnny would always take the nickel; they said because it was
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him
aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you.
They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the
nickel. Are you taking it because the nickel is bigger or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face, and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime,
they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
Posted by: at July 28, 2006 10:59 AM
A guy is touring in his hire car in Ireland. He pulls into a garage and says "fill her up please". The attendant says "sorry, we don't sell petrol"
The tourist looks puzzled and says "well will you check the oil please". The attendant replies "no point, we don't sell oil either". The driver is pretty frustrated by this time so asks "What sort of service station is this anyway?". The attendant looks round and says "Actually it's not, it's a front for the IRA". The driver's eyes light up. "Well in that case you can blow up my tyres"
Posted by: Big John at September 11, 2006 09:46 PM